But I’d do it. Without batting an eye. And that’s what made me good.
The temptation to not be good anymore scares me. The resistance to take risks that I need to take for the good of everyone.
Well, nearly everyone.
This would’ve been such an easy decision before, and it isn’t now, and that’s a problem. Sure, I’ve had my first taste of happiness, but what happens if Mateo figures that out? What happens if I’m not useful anymore? Bad enough Matt had to go and make me a potential threat—what if happiness makes me less effective?
I’m going to have to take the risk. The certainty moves through me, heavy and cold, settling in my gut. I don’t like the taste of fear. I’m not accustomed to it, and looking over at Elise’s face, so peaceful in sleep, I wonder if it’s always going to be like this. Is this a new burden I’m going to have to carry? Since she became mine, it’s been there niggling at me every damn day—is it just because it’s new, or is this my new normal? If I’m already feeling this way, what happens if we do have those kids? What happens if there is room in my heart for them, and they get lodged there, and I start feeling again? What if I feel the fear again? What if I feel it every damn day of my life?
My life isn’t cut out for them. I don’t know what Mateo was thinking, letting me have all this. Of course he couldn’t have been sure I’d respond to it this way—he doesn’t know yet, as far as I can tell—but he has it already; doesn’t he feel it? Every time he steps outside this house there’s a target on his back. I guess there’s always been one on mine, too, but I never noticed. It never mattered.
It matters now.
But I can’t let it stop me from doing what needs to be done, so I guess I just have to live with the fear. Shove it down. Hide it. Pretend it isn’t there, and let it gnaw away at me every day.
I’ve already offered him my loyalty. The Morellis offer no take-backs.
I watch Elise’s face as I move my arm out from under her, trying to move her enough to wake her up.
She just rolls over.
Dammit.
Deciding to be a little less subtle, I lean in and drop a soft kiss against the ball of her shoulder. Then I proceed in toward her collar bone, pulling her over so she’s on her back, continuing the trail along her chest.
Her eyes open and she gives me a sleepy smile. “Can I help you?”
“Oh, you’re awake,” I say, feigning surprise.
Her sleepy smile turns into a grin and she brings her arms around my neck, pulling me down to kiss her. “Can’t sleep?” she asks, when I pull back.
I shake my head, watching her beautiful face as I bring my hand up to tuck her hair behind her ears. “Can’t sleep,” I verify.
“What’s on your mind?”
“Lots.”
She smiles. “That’s incredibly specific.”
“When do you want to have kids?”
Her eyebrows rise, apparently not counting on that question. “I don’t know. I’m pretty much ready when you are, but you don’t seem like you’re in a hurry.”
“But when do you want them?” I ask her, dropping a kiss to her cleavage, then looking at her again.
Narrowing her eyes slightly, like she’s trying to figure me out, she asks, “Why?”
I can’t seem to stop touching her. I think it alarms her, as I trail my hand down her arm to her elbow and back, catching her wrist and bringing it to my lips, dropping a little kiss there.
Suddenly she frowns and tries to sit up. I don’t let her; I want to stay here, anchoring her beneath me. “What’s wrong, Adrian? Is this about the stuff with Mateo? Has something else happened?”
I shake my head, greeting her alarm with calm. “No. It’s just… you know, there’s some dodgy shit going on right now, and I’m in charge of some of the more dangerous operations.”
“But you’ve always been in charge of that stuff, and you’ve always been fine,” she points out.
“I never worried about whether I was or not. You were more a fantasy than a real goal. I knew you were the light at the end of the tunnel, but… I don’t know. I don’t think I ever expected to reach it.”
Her brow furrows. “You didn’t really want me?”
I almost chuckle at that one. “No, I wanted you more than anything. Sometimes you just chase something for so long, you can’t imagine actually getting it. And maybe you do, but you don’t know what to do with it.”
“I think you’ve figured out what to do with me just fine,” she assures me, wryly.
I pause, trying to find the right words to explain. “I don’t know how to be the man I was before, and the man I am with you.”