Sal read my first message immediately, and just the thought of him out there, still awake but not with me, makes me sad. I just want to be with him. I don’t want to be here. I want to cuddle up in bed with him and fall asleep. I want to sleep all night and not have him wake me up so I can leave to come back to my big, lonely bed.
“Hey, don’t worry about it,” he sends back. “I get it. Don’t worry. I’m not mad.”
“I don’t want you to be mad at me,” I send back, despite him just saying he wasn’t.
“I’m definitely not. I understand family loyalty. I guess for me, you just feel like family somehow.”
“I wish I could be your family,” I tell him. “I wish I could fall asleep curled up in your arms every night.”
“I wish that, too.”
I flatten myself on the bed, lips downturned. I probably shouldn’t be texting him out in the open like this. I have no idea if there are cameras in my bedroom, but my assumption is yes, since they’re everywhere. The last thing I need is Mateo to wonder why I felt like drinking with him tonight and investigate, or even him just being concerned that I got lost or fell on my way up here. He could pop into the security room to check my monitor, just to make sure I got here safe, and he’d see me texting. There’s only one reason I would be sending drunken text messages after proclaiming to Mateo how incredible love is, and the last thing I need is for him to start looking into me.
The phone lights up again and I tip it on its side so I can read it without moving. “Are you okay?” Sal asks.
Typing feels hard, and I need to put my phone away and go to bed, but I grab the phone and clumsily type back, “I love you.”
“I love you, too,” he assures me. “But you didn’t answer my question.”
“I’m okay. I had a drink with Mateo and he drinks battery acid, I guess.”
“That was probably not a good idea,” Sal remarks.
“I didn’t say anything I shouldn’t. I just felt like I needed a drink and he has the good stuff.”
“I’m sorry I drove you to drink,” Sal types back. “Especially with your brother.”
“I should set him up with Maddie.”
“Not in a million years,” he sends back.
“She’s pretty. He’d think she’s pretty.”
“You need to sleep off the battery acid, babe,” he sends back.
“I’m sorry about earlier.”
“You said that already. It’s fine. No need to apologize. Everything is fine, and if that ever changes, you know I’ll take care of you no matter what.”
That warms up my insides and I can’t help smiling. My eyes drift closed though and I realize I desperately need to hide my phone so I can go to sleep. My body suddenly feels like a sack of bricks.
“You always take care of me,” I send back, with a kissy face emoji. “I love you. I’m going to bed. Good night.”
I wait for him to say good night back, then I stash my Salvatore phone and grab my real phone out of my purse and put it on charge. I drape myself across my bed, still fully clothed. Thank God tomorrow is Sunday and the bakery is closed. I feel like I need to sleep for three days.
I don’t even crawl the rest of the way up the bed to put my head on the pillow, I just crash in the middle of the bed and a minute later I’m asleep.
—
I feel absolutely awful when I wake up around lunchtime on Sunday.
Not physically. My mouth is as dry as a cotton field, but that might have more to do with sleeping for 12 hours than the alcohol I consumed.
No, I feel awful because what the hell was I thinking? My drunken speeches come back to me in pieces, but there’s one piece that sticks and holds: You need someone to love you, because having someone love you is incredible and I want that for you.
I feel panicky thinking about it as I shower and get ready for the day. That was just about the worst thing I could have said. Why didn’t I just hold up my secret phone and tell him I’m in a secret relationship? It would’ve been just as subtle! Mateo knows exactly who I was in my only relationship with, and he damn sure knows he never loved me.
I can’t believe I did this.
I shouldn’t have gone to his study last night. I definitely shouldn’t have had a drink with him. I’m lucky he didn’t latch on and push the issue right then.
My only possible saving grace is that I brought up Beth mere seconds before I said that. I didn’t only bring her up, I told him to get over her. Good God. He may have actually been in a rage fog, so maybe be wasn’t even really listening at that point.