Beth is Mateo’s kryptonite.
Here’s hoping I threw him enough by bringing her up and he didn’t realize what I said.
I don’t even get my Salvatore phone out today. Logically I realize it’s too late; if I made him suspicious enough to check, he already watched me texting him last night after I came back from the study.
I can’t believe I was so reckless.
I’m tempted to go see him before dinner, but illogically I feel like if I don’t see him, that means he doesn’t know anything. The longer I can avoid him, the less worried I have to be.
It doesn’t work though. I’m so anxious, the whole day is torture. When I finally meet Mia and Cherie in the kitchen for dinner, it’s all I can think about. I don’t want to stare at him through dinner, but I’m going to be so worried. He’ll feel it. He’s perceptive, so he’ll know I’m anxious. Will he think it’s because of the secret love I basically told him all about, or because I brought up Beth, and that’s a big no-no?
I’m so high-strung about all that could go wrong at dinner, when Cherie finally says she’s going to go to the study to do drinks, I volunteer to go in her stead.
My palms sweat as I make my way there. I press them against the fabric of my expensive dress, breathing in and out, coaching myself to be normal. I can’t walk in there with fear in my eyes. I can’t do anything else that might make him suspicious.
My gaze goes straight to him when I enter the room. He looks especially intimidating today in a sharp black suit, a snowy white shirt and the gold tie I got him for Christmas secured perfectly around his neck. My mind locks on the tie, my paranoia nearly matching his as I wonder if he wore it on purpose. His thoughts on my flub last night, on who I might’ve been texting in bed—he would see that I was texting, but I can’t imagine he would’ve been able to zoom in well enough to read them. His cameras are good, but they’re not that good. While thinking about me and my duplicity, perhaps he selected a tie I got him.
He flicks a glance at the door when he hears it open, but he expects to see Cherie so his gaze moves away in a practiced response before jumping back to me, faintly surprised.
I rarely do drinks. Probably another not so great idea, shaking it up like this, but I couldn’t stand the idea of waiting until dinner. I’ve been anxious about it for hours already.
I flash him a smile that verges on apologetic. I’m not even sure what I’m apologizing for—my presence, last night, the secret he has already figured out I’m keeping from him? I don’t know, it’s just my natural inclination to go repentant when I know I’ve fucked up.
I go to the alcohol cart and fix him a drink first. When I deliver it to him at his desk, I don’t know whether to be relieved or further apprehensive when his lips curve up slightly and he asks, “None for you today?”
I roll my eyes, manufacturing a smile to give back. “I think I’m good for a few years.”
His low laughter reassures me as he looks down at the amber liquid in his glass. My heart beats double time as I head back to the alcohol cart, the first shot of premature relief coursing through my veins. Maybe he didn’t catch it.
He could be lulling me into a false sense of security, though. I fix drinks for Adrian and Alec next. Alec is in a fine mood, as usual, but Adrian is surly as hell. I hand him his drink and he throws back the entire glass, handing it back to me. I blink, then I go to get him some more.
I hand him his second drink and place a light hand on his shoulder to get his attention. He glances up at me, and the sadness in his eyes makes my heart hurt.
“Everything okay?” I ask quietly.
“Fantastic,” he mutters, taking a more reasonable sip.
I make a note to keep his glass full. I don’t know what’s wrong with him, but clearly something is. He’s pretty gruff oftentimes, but not like this.
My heart feels heavy with new worries as I grab drinks for Vince and Joey.
I wish I could talk to Sal. I obviously can’t, but I need his energy to even out the weight of all the heaviness around this place today. Mateo’s not even in a bad mood today, so it’s not him this time. Usually it’s him. He’s pretty even-tempered for the most part, but I think he just bottles his feelings up, and then when the lid pops off, the whole house is affected.