Dirty Secrets (Get Dirty 4)

He slumps, his shoulders sagging slightly, and he swallows. “And the thought that I could lose that, lose you, kills me. When you’re out there, walking around and doing whatever crazy shit you’re getting into for the day, you take my heart with you. And I’m that man again, empty and icy. It’s not until you’re back by my side, when I can see that you’re okay, that I can breathe again, that my heart stars to beat again. How can I apologize for that? To protect an angel, I’ll gladly be the devil.”

It’s honest. It’s bare. It’s Dominick.

It feels like the biggest share of our time together, or maybe the biggest share he’s ever given anyone, judging by the ragged way he’s breathing. The heaviness of his truth hangs in the air between us.

But I’m not sure it’s enough.

“So what am I supposed to do?” I ask, lowering my voice. “Just go along with this because your life is scary? This is crazy, Dominick. It’s too much. I don’t know if this is the life I want,” I say, shaking my head. “What do I get? Cameras, guards, danger, and not knowing where you are or what you’re doing for my own good? How is that a partnership?”

He huffs, maybe because he doesn’t understand . . . or maybe more because he does. “You get me. And I get you. That’s all we need. Each other. The rest of it is outside us. Just the things that allow us to be us. I love you, Allison.”

“You keep saying that,” I whisper sadly. “And I know you do. I truly believe that. And I understand that this is how you love. But just because this is the only way you can love, it doesn’t mean it’s the way I need to be loved. It may be your all, but that doesn’t mean it’s enough. I need more than protection. I need respect.”

The words are almost poignant, and Dom’s shoulders slump as the reality hits him. The little devil on my shoulder echoes TJ’s words from before, asking me if this is the life I want, the life I dream of.

And this time, I don’t brush it off. I listen.

“I need some time,” I add after a moment. “I need to think this through. I think you should go. When you’re here, it’s all messed up in my head, because yes, I do love you. But you’re talking about a whole life like this, living in a sanitized bubble because you think I can’t handle the dark side of your life. Well, maybe I can’t, but I need to decide that for myself. And you need to decide whether you’re strong enough to let me not be that perfect angel you think I am.”

Dominick holds my upper arms in his hands, gripping me tightly but not hurting me, and I almost wish he would hurt me, smack my ass and take control so I don’t have to decide our fate, our future.

But he doesn’t. Though he wants me in this gilded cage, he wants me to come freely to it, to him.

His words are quiet, his emotions back on lockdown, but even now, when he’s trying so hard to erect his shields, I can see the open honesty in his eyes.

“I understand. It’s a lot. But you are it for me, Allison. Choose me or don’t, but you will always be mine and I will always be yours. Logan will be downstairs if you need anything.”

I shake my head, tightening my belt. “No. I need to be alone. Truly alone. No guards, no you. I need space.”

He nods, kisses my forehead, and leaves.

I sag to my knees, tears burning my cheeks as the weight of everything pulls me down.

Everything in my head tells me this is crazy, to run far and wide to get away from the pressure of his rules and expectations, an inherent need to rebel against any restraint forcing its way through my soul.

But my heart thuds dully, just wanting him to come back and hold me.

I force myself up, needing to see if he does what I asked, like it’s a litmus test that will tell me I did the right thing. I walk over to the window, peeking out the blinds.

Through blurry tears, I see Logan’s car pull away, then Dom’s black Mercedes leave the garage and do the same. I feel alone without him here.

For the first time in a long time, I am alone.

Chapter 20

Allie

I take a few minutes to get back to my apartment. Luckily but stupidly, I left my front door unlocked. I stay under control pretty well until the door closes and I slump onto my bed, the tears flowing freely as my heart shatters.

I bury my face in a pillow for a moment before realizing it smells like him, and I angrily snatch its velvet softness and hurl it across the room.