Hold on to Hope

She touched his chest. Lightly. Just her fingertips. But she swore she saw the burst of light that came with it. This feeling that only existed with Evan Bryant. Something that kept growing and growing and was getting more confusing with each day that passed. “I can’t stand for you to hurt, either.”

For a moment, he stared, his chest rising fuller. Then he cracked a smile. “Only pain I’ve got is you . . . you know, the pain in my ass.”

She frowned. “Stop being a jerk, Evan. I’m bein’ serious. You’re my best friend.”

His brow drew together, somberly, and he pressed her hand tight over the spot on his chest that drummed. She wanted to press her ear to it so she could listen. “You’re my best friend, too. Always.”

Frankie suddenly felt all nervous and sweaty.

“What if I want you to be more than that?”

Her voice felt rough and scraggly, her stomach twisting with nerves. She was never shy, but she felt shy right then.

His eyes moved over her, dipping to her mouth. All of a sudden, he stepped back. “Don’t be stupid, Frankie.”

“I’m not. I mean it.”

He shook his head like he was mad. “You’re too young to even get it.”

Anger flashed through her like a fire. “I’m thirteen . . . you’re fifteen. Big whoop.”

They were in that one month when he was only two years older than her, and it’d become her favorite month of the year. She couldn’t stand the thought of him growing up without her. With him looking at her like she was stupid and small. She really, really hated it when he pointed it out.

He laughed a frustrated sound, and his hands were flying. FRANKIE, WE AREN’T GETTING MARRIED OR HAVING BABIES OR LIVING HAPPILY EVER AFTER. WE WERE JUST LITTLE KIDS. YOU NEED TO GET OVER THAT.

I DON’T WANT TO GET OVER IT. She signed the words between them, mad and hard and trying to ignore the urge to shove him against the chest.

“Well, we don’t always get what we want, do we?” His weird voice that she loved gushed across her face.

“If we fight hard enough for it, we do.”

He turned his face away, like now he really was in pain, then he looked back at her and took her by the hand. “Let’s just jump, Frankie. Jump. Maybe if we jump high enough, we can soar to another place where I could be different. Normal.”

He used to say stuff like that when they were little and it felt fun and hopeful and the only thing they needed in the world was to believe.

Today the only thing those words did was make her sad.

“I don’t want you normal. I want you just like this.”

His head shook. “You don’t even know what you’re asking for.”

Evan – Fifteen Years Old

Do you know that moment in life when you realize you’re a complete idiot? When you slam face-first into reality after you’ve been living in some kind of fantasy?

A world where everything is glitter and gold and words are magic.

Hope.

Belief.

Faith.

Evan guessed he’d lost every single one of them that day. Earlier that morning when he was sitting in the doctor’s office for his regular check-up and the doctor had told him that he wanted to talk, man-to-man.

Evan was fifteen. He figured it was about fucking time since most people treated him like he was a little kid.

Dumb and stupid and ignorant.

Turned out, he was ignorant after all.

Sure, he’d always known he would die young.

Was he okay with it?

No.

But somewhere along the way, he’d accepted it would be his fate even though that meant living with the normalcy of fear, a huge burden he’d carried around day to day, like his backpack always weighed just a little bit heavier.

Only thing that made it okay was he’d never stopped believing that there was a place after death, that this world was too full of miracles and wonders and beauty to believe there wasn’t something waiting out there that might even be better.

Still, there were so many nights he’d lain awake as a little boy with his broken heart pounding out of control, hammering at his chest with a suffocating kind of anxiety.

Wondering which day would be the end. But he thought he’d always been more scared of leaving behind the ones that he loved most than anything. The one’s that worried for him.

Mostly his mother.

Kale, of course.

His baby sister once she was born.

Hardest part was Frankie Leigh, this girl who had always been by his side.

His best friend, even though he’d always known they were more than that.

Intertwined in an extraordinary way.

Like they were part of the same person, and it’d seemed impossible to separate the two.

She’d always been this light . . . this feeling that would come over him when she came into the room . . . shining this bright ray of hope that whispered that maybe he could be normal after all.