Getting Her Back

1

“Are you sure about this?” Ellen asks. “I mean are you really, really sure?”

“Yes,” I say. “I am 100% sure.” That’s a lie, but I need her to believe me. Because her believing me makes me more sure.

The app that is open on my phone is giving me a little warning box, telling me that as soon as I hit the button my profile on Heartility will be live. And even though I think I’m ready, I’m still nervous. Even though I could always delete my profile, this feels like something that I won’t be able to take back.

But it doesn’t matter. I am going to do this. I want to baby, and if this is the only way for me to get one, then so be it. Steeling myself, I push the button and watch my picture and the few curated lines about myself go flying into cyberspace.

I don’t feel any different. When making big life decisions or having birthdays or crossing some milestone you always think you’re going to feel some sort of big change. But I never have. “Well,” I say, “that’s that.”

Ellen puts her arm around my shoulder and hugs me. “Are you going to start swiping now?”

That’s a part of the rules. Heartility is basically like Tinder but for men willing to be sperm donors. So for that reason, the women have to message first. It’s a neat idea, with all the men having been vetted and background checked so there’s nobody on the app looking to prey on women, and the fact that they’re actually fertile and able to complete the mission, so to speak. But let’s be real, it’s all upside for the men. Free sex and no commitment.

“No,” I say. “I think I’m going to need some wine before I do that.”

“Well then, let’s go get some wine.”

I laughed. “That’s okay, I’ve got some here.”

Ellen raises an eyebrow. “Are you kicking me out?”

“Of course not.” She stares at me until I give in. “Okay, fine. I am pretty tired. I was thinking about taking a nap before the wine.”

“I can take the hint,” she says, laughing. “But I expect full details if you match with anyone, got it?”

“Got it.”

Ellen gives me another hug, grabs her purse, and leaves. I wait until I hear the door closed behind her and hear steps go downstairs before I pick up my phone again. I feel bad lying to my best friend, but this doesn’t feel like a game. I’m picking the potential father of my child, and it’s not something I can giggle over while drunk.

I wasn’t lying about the wine though, or about being tired. I may very well take a nap, and I will definitely be a drinking wine while looking through these profiles. Otherwise, I’ll be too anxious to make a decision, or even to say yes to talking. But I don’t think it would do me any harm to start looking a little bit right now.

I open the app again and click to the screen where all your potentials are displayed. The first few I say no to easily. I know that this is all about getting pregnant, and that it shouldn’t matter so much whether or not I’m attracted to the person. I should be paying attention to their profile and statistics. But if I’m going to be sleeping with this person for any length of time, I have to be attracted to them. I’m making a baby, and I’m not just going to close my eyes and think of England while I do it.

I’ve done this a few times over the past year, I know how to quickly evaluate a dating profile. But this isn’t that. When you’re looking for somebody to be the father of her child, it takes a little bit more time. Every swipe I make has more significance, and so each one takes longer.

After swiping a few more times, I find a profile that’s intriguing. He doesn’t have many pictures, and none of his face. But the pictures of his body are to die for. I scroll down through the pictures to the rest of his profile and start to read. He’s has a good education, good test scores, and a healthy medical history.

I’m not sure why there aren’t any pictures of his face, but this is the first profile I’ve seen that checks all the boxes. Taking a deep breath, I swipe yes. I feel more anxious about it than I thought I would. But all I need to remember is that this isn’t a sure thing. If I don’t like him, I can always say no and find somebody else.

Heartility opens a message between the two of us, and suddenly my mind is blank. What do you say to a man who you’re basically asking to fuck you until you get pregnant?