Getting Her Back

But then again, it’s why were both on this app in the first place. So I guess I’ll just start with the basics.

Hi, I came across your profile and I liked it. Would you mind talking further?

I can’t think of anything else to say, and I know that I’m just going to stare at the screen until he responds, so I put my phone down. I think I’ll take that nap after all. I can’t be overthinking things when I’m asleep, though I’m sure my brain and subconscious will find a way to prove me wrong.

* * *

When I open my eyes it’s darker than I expect. I slowly roll out of bed and open the curtains, surprised that it’s fully dark outside. I slept away longer than I intended to. I have no idea what time it is.

Oh well, it’s Friday. Doesn’t matter that much.

I pull a sweatshirt on over my head and make my way back into the living room. My phone is still sitting face down on the coffee table, and it feels like it takes up all the space in the room. Did mystery man answer while I was sleeping? And why am I so hung up on whether or not he does? There are plenty of men on Heartility ready and willing to give me a baby. I guess there’s something about the first one that seems a little magical. Full of possibility.

Following my promise to myself, I go to the kitchen and pour myself a glass of wine. Thank you past me for deciding to buy a bottle of my favorite white earlier this week. I take a sip, savoring the dry flavor. Who knows, it may not be too long before I can’t have wine for a long time. That thought is both terrifying and exciting, and it gives me the courage to go back into my living room and pick up my phone.

It’s there! There’s a notification from Heartility. He responded.

The notification doesn’t show me any of his text, and I have to set my wine glass down on the coffee table because I’m shaking. I open the message thread between us and read.

Of course.

What would you like to know?

I have to think about that for a second. What do I want to know? What kind of questions do you ask a sperm donor? Well, I guess I have at least one.

Why are you on this app?

I don’t expect a response right away. But suddenly at the bottom of the screen is a little bubble that shows him typing. I take a big gulp of wine and wait. Maybe I was wrong, maybe I should have had Ellen stay for this. He types for what seems like a very long time, until:

I knew someone who wanted to get pregnant. But her partner wasn’t interested, or at least she thought he wasn’t. So she decided to do it anyway. I said that I would help her do it safely, and while we were doing research together discovered this app. It occurred to me that I could help other women who were in your position.

Plus, there’s the sex.

I freeze. That’s shockingly similar to my own story. Suddenly the strange magic of the first match comes back to me again. What are the odds of this? I type back quickly:

Wow. That’s very nice of you.

Right away.

Well, I do get the benefit of sex.

That’s true.

Is there anything that you’d like to know about me?

I think for a second. How much do I want to know about this man? Will it be easier if I know everything about him and then never see him again once I’m pregnant? Or is it better to just have a pleasant and distant memory, some vague and hazy presence. A kind of glowing benefactor in the background.

He must sense my hesitation because he types:

We can go out if you like, maybe get to know each other a little bit more before you make a decision.

I have an immediate thrill that someone would want to go out with me. I haven’t had the best luck with that the past, but that’s not what this is for, and I don’t feel like I’m ready to make that kind of decision right now.

Let me think about it.

Sure thing.

I put the phone down again and take a sip of my wine. This suddenly all feels very real. Almost too real, but no, this is what I said I wanted, and I do, so I’m not going back. I’m going to sleep on his suggestion. Tomorrow, after all the shock and excitement has worn off from actually starting this journey, maybe I’ll be able to make a decision on whether or not I really want to get to know him. Until then, I guess he can wait.