I planned to let him have her alone not because I didn’t want to be with them, but I knew I’d hurt him so deeply and I didn’t want that to intrude on his time with Hannah. But Ash, being insightful not only about his lack of experience with children but about the fact Hannah didn’t know him, and asked me to tag along.
We walked to the zoo and my heart swelled watching Hannah and Ash walk hand-in-hand. She chatted away about her love of mermaids.
“What’s your favorite food?” Ash asked her.
“I like hotdogs and macaroni and cheese.”
“Maybe we can get a dog later for lunch,” he said.
“Will I stay at your house sometimes?” Hannah asked him.
He glanced at me, before answering her. “I’d like that if you feel comfortable.”
“You can’t make me shrimpies. They make me sick.”
“How about we stick to hot dogs and macaroni and cheese?”
“Yeah. And ice cream. I loooooooovvvvve ice cream,” Hannah gushed.
“You know what, I do too. Maybe we can get some after out hot dogs.”
“Yay. Mommy, did you hear that?”
“I did.” As zoos went, the Central Park one wasn’t very big, but it was ideal for a five-year-old.
“What’s that?” Hannah said tugging Ash toward a pen.
“It’s a red panda,” he answered, reading the sign.
She looked up at him with her, you’re-teasing-me face. “Nuh-uh. Pandas are white and have black on them. They’re really cute. Those look like… raccoons.”
“They do, don’t they?” Ash said. “But this sign says they’re red pandas.”
“They’re cute too. Mommy, can we get a stuffed one in the gift shop?”
“I’ll get you one,” Ash said. I wasn’t sure if he did that because he knew I was broke, or just because he wanted to. It didn’t matter as both were true.
After the zoo, Ash got us dirty water dogs from a vendor.
“Are you sure these are safe?” I asked.
Ash looked at me quizzically. “You grew up in the city, you know exactly what these are.”
“I wasn’t a mom worried about making my daughter sick.”
“I’ve never heard anyone getting sick,” he answered. We headed toward the pond that had the model boats. As Hannah’s energy petered out, Ash lifted her onto his shoulders.
“Oh my gosh… look how high I am!” She gripped Ash around the neck, probably choking him.
He adjusted her hands. “You haven’t ridden on someone’s shoulders?”
“Nope. I like this.”
He looked at me. “Not even uncle Ben?”
I gave him a look to tell him not to make Ben look bad in Hannah’s eyes. Then again, Ben didn’t need any help looking bad.
“Nope. He’s sick a lot and won’t go to the doctor. I went to the doctor when I was sick. It was scary.”
“You’re so brave,” Ash said.
After watching the boats, it was clear that Hannah needed a rest, so we walked home, this time Ash carried her in his arms as she dozed on and off. Once home, he carried her and her stuffed red panda up to her room, and I went to grab the laundry out of the dryer. It was another task I learned to do since we didn’t have staff taking care of such things for us, anymore.
“She’s zonked out,” he said when he came down.
“She had a lovely time. Thank you, Ash.”
He frowned. “Don’t thank me for being a father.” His tone reminded me of how hurt he was over my betrayal.
I nodded when I heard him. “As a father, you can’t have every visit be a day at the park.” If he was really going to take on the role, he needed to be there for the not so fun stuff too.
He put his hands on his hips and glared at me. “This was my first day, Beth. Had I known about her, I’m sure I would have had opportunities to be there for the not so fun stuff. In fact, I was there when she was in the hospital. That wasn’t so fun.”
Oh God, I was doing it again. “You’re right. I’m sorry.” I started to fold my clothes, hoping I could control my mouth.
He let out a breath and watched me. “You had to let Mrs. Andrews go?”
I nodded. “Her daughter, Morgan, babysits for me sometimes, but they’ve had to find other work.” Out of nowhere, emotion swept up and I started to cry.
“Jesus, Beth, what’s wrong?”
I waved my hand to tell him I was being silly, but the words gushed out. “This whole nightmare is getting to be too much.” Then, because I didn’t want him to think I was a spoiled brat, I elaborated. “I don’t mind doing my own laundry or cleaning my own toilets. But so many people relied on us for their livelihoods and we let them down. Mrs. Andrews is sick. She should be retired and well-cared for, but we can’t do that for her.”
Ash’s eyes softened. “It’s not all your fault. I’ve gone through the accounting, Beth. Your dad died leaving you and Ben in a tough spot. It’s not surprising that he wasn’t able to maneuver out of it.”