“Stop you’re not a mistake, and you have no reason to be sorry. I love you. I love you so fucking much. None of this would’ve happened had I been honest with you. Had I told you the truth about the blackmailing, but I didn’t want you to worry, or leave, but it seems the opposite happened.” I tuck a strand of hair that’s stuck to her tear-stained cheek behind her ear.
“I was so fucking worried about you,” I admit. “Do you remember what you said to me the night you were drunk, and I brought you to the dorms?” She thinks for a moment before she shakes her head slightly. “You told me you’d thought about ending it all. What did you mean by that?”
More tears run down her face, and I almost regret bringing it up, but I need to know what’s going on in her head. I need her to be safe, even from herself.
“I can’t believe I told you that… You don’t have to worry though. I haven’t had those thoughts in a long time, and I never acted on them, but in the past, it did cross my mind that everybody around me would be better off with me dead.”
“Don’t ever think that, Lily. I wouldn’t be able to go on without you. I need you to promise me that you will never hurt yourself and if you ever have those kind of thoughts again you need to tell me immediately so we can get you help.”
“I promise,” she answers right away, sounding determined and sincere. “I swear, I haven’t thought like that in a while, but if those thoughts ever return I’ll talk to someone.” I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest.
I don’t want her to cry anymore. I want to share the good news that I received over the weekend, the news, I had been waiting to hear for the last week.
“Can we go?” she finally asks. “I already look like a hot mess standing out here. I don’t want to have another breakdown where the rest of the world can see.”
Releasing her, even though, I don’t want to, I nod, and gesture for her to get into the car, while I grab her bags. She moves slowly toward the door, and by the time I’m in the driver’s seat, she’s just buckling her seatbelt.
“Are you hungry?”
“Yeah. I kinda walked out on dinner, so I could go for something to eat.” She gives me a sad smile that damn near breaks my heart in two. I don’t say anything else as I drive us through the drive-through at McDonald’s. Once we have our food, I park in the parking lot and roll down the windows. Lily sips on her strawberry shake, her eyes trained on the windshield. I wonder what she’s thinking. I’m smart enough to know why she left, and I want to make sure she never does again. She’s everything to me, and she needs to know that.
“I know now isn’t the time to do it, but I can’t stand the sadness in your eyes, and I have to do something to make it better.”
She shifts, looking away from the windshield and at me.
“I have something I want to tell you too.” She pauses, and those bright blue eyes of hers meet mine, “I didn’t leave because I don’t want to be with you. I left because I didn’t want you to have to give everything up for me. I was trying to come up with a solution that worked for both of us. I was going to drop out of classes and wanted some advice, but my grandparents weren’t the kind of people I should’ve gone to.” A frown pulls at her lips, “They told me that if I drop out of school, I’ll lose all of their support.” She snorts, “As if they were all that supportive, to begin with.”
Reaching out, I place my hand on top of hers. I just need to feel her, to touch her, to know that she’s actually here with me.
“I didn’t think you left or were leaving me, but I freaked out knowing you’d seen the messages. I was just worried…” I sigh, “I may have lost it a little bit. But as I sat there in the living room all alone in the dark, I started to piece it all together. I knew you were feeling guilty, and that you were upset. I knew that you were worried about being a burden when you’re truly anything but that to me.”
“I thought…” Lily looks down at my hand on hers and then interlocks our fingers. Shame fills her face. “I just don’t understand why you didn’t tell me. Why did you keep this from me? Don’t you trust me?”
The sadness pours out of her like a sink that’s overflowing, “I trust you with my life, Lily. I was just scared, and I didn’t want you to worry or feel guilty.” In that moment, I feel like a pile of shit. “All I wanted was to make it go away as fast as possible, and I thought that paying them off would do that. Of course, I thought about telling you and going to the cops. But I decided against all that because I didn’t want everybody to find out about us that way.”