At least, that was how she’d been feeling for most of the day.
Or maybe he was doubting her. Maybe he was thinking that what had happened a week ago Thursday had been by design. Her design. A classic case of plain girl trying to trap the handsomest guy in town in the most old-fashioned way. “I want you to know that I’m having this baby on my own, Josh,” she said, the words forming as though they’d been there all day.
Maybe they had. Or maybe they were just becoming clear. But she felt real conviction behind them. Not only did Josh not want to be a father, he didn’t think he could be one. He’d made his feelings very clear the night he’d practically suffocated when he’d found out that she wasn’t on the pill. He’d also made it abundantly clear that she couldn’t rely on him for anything.
He’d been honest.
And honesty was the one thing she valued more than anything else on earth.
“Even if you wanted to be involved, at this point, I won’t allow it.” She wasn’t giving him a chance to let her or the baby down. “I just had to let you know. This is a small town and you’re going to see me pregnant at some point and after seeing what my mother’s lie has done to my family, how much pain she caused, I had to be up front with you.”
“And you think everyone in town knowing I’m the father and seeing me have nothing to do with the child is going to make me happy?”
“I wasn’t planning to tell anyone who the father is,” she said. “I actually never once considered doing so. I just had to tell you.”
They started slowly walking again. Side by side. Not touching. She kept her hands firmly in her pockets and her body a good foot away from his. “I guess, if—or I should say when—I meet someone I want to spend the rest of my life with, I will tell him, too. He’ll need to know.” She’d have to find someone willing to take on another man’s child. But in today’s world, that wasn’t as much of a stigma as it had been in her mother’s day.
She thought about the future. To a time when her child was old enough to ask questions. She’d be honest with him or her, too.
But she and Josh didn’t need to deal with that right now. If she could find him, she’d consult with him about that when the time came.
“Fair enough.”
For a second she thought she’d been thinking aloud. And then she realized he was replying to her comment about telling her future husband about him some day.
She walked to the end of the block. And when he remained completely silent, she turned the corner again, heading toward his place.
Back at his house, she greeted the puppies with the effusiveness they deserved. She took Lindy Lu out of her kennel, but picked up the kennel in her other hand and walked toward the front door.
“Aren’t you going to put her out?”
“I need to get home,” she said. “It’s been a long day.”
She’d been feeling as if she was on the verge of tears all day and had a feeling the flood was going to break through any minute.
She wanted to be alone when it did.
* * *
THE FIRST THING Josh did after Dana left was throw away the rest of the bottle of Scotch he’d mostly consumed the night before. He was not going to make it easy on himself to escape—not into a bottle and not anywhere else, either.
With L.G. on his arm, he dropped down to the couch, sitting in the near-dark.
The lasagna sat like lead in his stomach. He wanted to puke, but couldn’t.
He wanted to be angry. But wasn’t.
He waited until Dana had had enough time to get home and then he called her. When she didn’t pick up, he called her again.
And kept calling until he finally heard a very subdued and slightly nasal, “Hello?”
“You know it’s me.”
“Yeah.”
She was finally on the line and he had no idea what to say to her. “Thank you for telling me.” That much was good. “You did the right thing.”
“I know.”
“You’ve been crying.”
“It’s been a rough day, Josh. It’ll pass.”
“You just found out today, then?” He hadn’t asked. Not about how she’d found out. Or how she felt about it.
She’d been so sure it was her safe time of the month.
“Yeah, I’ve known since this morning. I took a home-pregnancy test.”
Letting go of a very deep breath, Josh sat upright, knocking L.G. off his lap. The puppy landed on his butt, shook himself and lay down. “They’re not all that accurate, are they?”
“They’re usually only wrong when they’re negative,” she said. “At least that’s what I understand from all the reading I’ve done. The positive result means I have an elevated amount of the pregnancy hormone in my body. That happens when a woman is pregnant. A negative could have meant that I was pregnant, but not far enough along to be excreting the hormone yet.”