He stiffened. He wasn’t sure he’d ever lose his edge. “Maybe. You know I haven’t made a decision yet on the Corps.”
She gave him one of those odd searching looks of hers and he wished he understood what she meant by it. He hoped that she found the answer she wanted in his face. But when she sighed and turned away, he knew she hadn’t.
“I know.”
“Sorry,” he said.
“It’s fine. I need to remember that you aren’t really here to stay,” she said, shaking her head. “I think we’ve both been deluding ourselves that we were exploring options but really we’ve been playing house. And that’s not all that different from what we did in Vegas.”
“You’re right. Here’s not the time or place,” he said.
“Agreed. I think Staci’s just arrived and I’d like to have one day where I can pretend I’m like every other woman my age,” she said.
“What do you mean?”
“You know, that I have a boyfriend and my family and friends are with me,” she said before striding away.
He wasn’t sure how he’d done it but he knew he’d just hurt Alysse again.
* * *
ALYSSE WANTED TO IGNORE Jay but that was exactly what she suspected he wanted her to do. He needed the silence and liked his solitary life. Why was she trying so hard to make him into something he wasn’t?
And she was trying. She could have just stuck to her original plan and had sex with him every night until he went back to the Marines, but no, she had to have dreams and want more from him.
She was coming to believe that there was no way to cure herself of Jay and find another man, because, in reality, she only wanted him. That fact made her want to cry or scream or maybe punch Jay really hard.
But it was hardly his fault that he couldn’t be what she needed him to be. If she’d been a different kind of woman she could have taken him as he was and been content, but she wasn’t.
She wanted him to blend with her family and to fit in with her friends. Instead, he sat in a lawn chair drinking a beer, watching the game. She was mad at herself because all the growth she’d thought she’d achieved during the last four years was really nothing at all. She’d been fooling herself.
“Why are you glaring at the potato salad?” Staci asked coming up behind her. “I’ve tasted it and it’s good.”
She gave her friend a half smile. “No reason. Just not sure if I should put an ice pack underneath it.”
Liar, she thought. Why didn’t she ever really talk to her friends about her problems? She was just like Jay in that—she had to sort it out herself. Maybe that was part of the reason she was so attracted to him.
“Well, considering you’ve already got two under there I’d say no,” Staci said. Her friend took her arm and turned her toward her. “What’s up?”
Alysse shrugged and fiddled with her sunglasses. She’d been pretending that she and Jay could have a normal life together but this afternoon was just showing her how wrong she’d been. They were different. Not just in little ways but in huge ones. And... “I guess I’m just facing reality.”
“Ha. You are the most grounded person I know,” Staci said, tapping her on the forehead. “You overthink everything. Is that what you’re doing now?”
“Not really. I’m still clinging to a few girlish fantasies that I should have gotten rid of a long time ago,” Alysse said. She didn’t want to admit that she’d been hoping that Jay would completely change and become the kind of man that would suit her life the way it was. That wasn’t Jay. He did his own thing. He had his own strengths and those were what had drawn her to him. But those strengths were also his weaknesses.
“I’m guessing this has something to do with your Marine,” Staci said in her wry tone.
“It has everything to do with him,” Alysse said, wishing that for once her romantic life would be easy. But it never had been. Even in high school she had struggled with dating. Her mom had said that once Alysse was an adult she’d understand what she really wanted from a man but she still hadn’t. “I can’t figure him out.”
Staci threw her head back and laughed. “You are kidding me, right? Men are from another planet. You will never be able to understand why he does whatever it is that is upsetting you.”
Alysse smiled, then felt just a tad melancholy thinking about Staci being up in Los Angeles while she was in San Diego. It was only about a three-hour drive but it would seem a world apart.