Avoiding Commitment (Avoiding 1)

He breathed out a few times into his hands. He obviously thought they were cold even though Lexi disagreed. She waited not wanting to be the first to speak. She wasn't even sure what he was going to say. She was a little scared about what she might find out.

"So," he began averting his gaze to the sleek marble floor.

"So," she agreed not letting her eyes drift from his face.

He cleared his throat uncomfortably. She held his gaze, waiting.

"Lex, I…" he glanced up into her brown eyes and then quickly back down at the floor.

"Yes?" she prodded.

"I'm sorry about last night," he mumbled, but something about the way he said it didn't sound sincere.

"Jack, why don't you cut the bullshit, and tell me what you're actually thinking?" she asked him easily annoyed.

"Ok ok. I never could get anything past you, could I?"

Lexi shook her head not wanting to take that comment head-on. She could remember a time when he was able to hide many things from her.

He slumped into himself at her reaction. She waited, allowing him to collect his thoughts before speaking again. He straightened up taller than before and met her gaze. "You're right. I'm not sorry for last night. I meant everything I said, and I don't know if you are with someone or not, but I guess…I still wanted you to know."

Lexi blushed at his words. She had been piecing the previous night together in her mind, and could vaguely remember what had happened before she had blacked out. Jack had been there, waiting for her. She remembered his lips against her skin and his voice whispering in her ear. Her heart sped up at the recollection of those three small words they had uttered to each other, and a smile crept to her face.

"You love me," she whispered. She felt something wet on her cheek. When she reached up to brush it off, she was surprised to see that it was her own tears. She chuckled to herself at the absurdity of what was happening. Jack was here, in New York with her.

"You're crying!" he exclaimed his face showing blatant shock. "Did I do something?"

"Yes," she said laughing a little harder.

"Something wrong?"

She shook her head no and threw her arms around him and he seemed to relax. "Well yes," she amended pulling back to look at him, "you left without saying good-bye and left me a note apologizing."

"I thought it was in your best interest."

She adjusted her body so that she could get a better look at him. "Did you honestly think I'd ignore your cryptic message?"

He smiled despite himself. "A part of me hoped you wouldn't."

"A part of you knew I wouldn't."

He nodded agreeing with her. "Well then I'm sorry for the message, but I did have to leave and you were still passed out. How much had you had to drink?"

She looked down at her hands twisting in her lap sheepishly.

"That's what I thought," he said running his fingers through his perfectly kept hair. Lexi watched as the pieces fell back into place neatly, only a few stray strands obscured the view of his eyes.

"So are you…are you with someone?" he asked taking her hands into his own, his voice ringing with a note of hope.

Lexi hesitated watching his concerned face before answering him. "No there's no one."

He breathed out the breath he'd been holding and smiled up at her in relief. "That's good." He paused nibbling on his bottom lip as if deliberating his next move. "I never asked over the summer while we were still talking, but what happened with Clark?"

She cursed under her breath extracting her hands from his. She pushed her hair behind her ears several times anxiously. This had been the question she had been avoiding from the time he had begun to talk to her again. He could tell she was nervous and didn't want to answer the question, but he didn't stray from the subject. He waited giving her time to decide how she wanted to answer.

"Do we have to talk about Clark?" she whispered.

"We don't have to, but you know my end of the story. You were the only one I saw when I closed my eyes," he said bringing his hand up to her chin and tilting her head up to look into his crystal clear blue eyes.

"Then why wasn't I enough when they were open?" she asked another tear welling in her eyes.

"Please don't cry," he muttered wiping away the tear that had fallen down her cheek. "I know I screwed up. We both screwed up, but I'm here now."

As if that solved everything.

She sat up straighter not wanting to let her emotions take over. She had been down that road before and it was a slippery slope. "Clark and I broke up the day you told me you loved me."

"What?" Jack cried a little too loud for their environment. He drew eyes from the surrounding pedestrians congregated in the hallway to escape the cold. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Jack, lower your voice," she demanded glancing around at the nosey onlookers.

"No, Lexi explain," he yelled out his eyes blazing.

Deep down she wished she could have lied to him right then and there. What made him special anyway? She lied to everyone else. She wished that she didn't have to explain why she had done what she did. She had been avoiding the truth for so long. She didn't feel prepared to divulge her actions, but she couldn't lie to Jack. They had decided a long time ago never to do that to each other. Her heart told her that the truth would only hurt him further. That he should leave after everything they had been through. That she should run tail-end in the opposite direction, but she couldn't and he obviously wasn't going to either.

"I couldn't tell you, but I couldn't be with him either."

"Why didn't you come to me?" he pleaded with her trying to comprehend what she had done.

"He made me…hurt you Jack," she finally stammered out. "What I felt for Clark…what Clark thought he felt for me would never be the same after all that. I'd gone ahead with his plan out of fear. And for what?" she muttered angrily. "For what? Fear of losing him? No, I'd never feared that, but I didn't see that until it was too late. I was afraid of losing you. For what I had with you was more than anything Clark gave me."

"Then why didn't you come to me?" he repeated interrupting her stream of conscious. "Why didn't you tell me?"