Promise Me This (Between Breaths 4)

“Nate, stop it. I know you worry but I’m fine right where I am,” she said, sounding stubborn as always. “You do what you need to do. And I’ll do the same. Just . . . finish college, find a job, and be happy.”

“Do you know how hard it is to feel any joy when deep down I know you’re not happy?” I growled into the phone while I paced around my apartment. “God, Mom, this is killing me.”

She gasped and sputtered and then finally seemed to find her voice. “Nate, honey, listen. I love you, you’re a wonderful son. But I’ve lived with your father a long time. I chose to be here with him in this marriage, in this house.”

I knew that would be her response but even still it infuriated me. Besides, I could read between the lines. She never once in her response told me that she was in fact happy. She never does.

“Fine. I can’t force you to face up to anything,” I said through gritted teeth. “But I swear to God if he touches you again, he’ll have to deal with me.”

“Honey, no,” she whispered. My heart was in my throat.

I could only change myself. Dr. Drake had said as much today. But it sure fucking felt like I was leaving her to the wolves. Or just one wolf.

“Do me a favor, would you?” I said, sinking back into the chair. “Call Aunt Johanna, Uncle Jack. Just reach out and let people in. Start doing things again, things you enjoy. Can you do that for me?”

There was a long pause. “Ye . . . Yes, of course.”

“I’m going to text you some numbers right after I get off the phone. He doesn’t have to know what they are,” I said. “They’re for support. Please don’t delete them.”

Chapter Twenty-six

Nate

I pulled up to Rachel and Ella’s apartment building. Kai was up this weekend for Quinn’s party. We had an appointment at my uncle’s track to do some bracket racing.

We were meeting my brother Luke at the track as well and I was surprised he was even interested in the invite at all since he had passed the last few times.

Ever since the concert I attended with Kai last summer, he and I had gotten closer, hung out often, and talked a whole lot more. It was cool because even though our mothers were sisters, my family had been isolated from our other relatives for practically my entire life.

We’d see each other at holiday time, sure, but I suspected that because of what was happening behind closed doors, my mother had shut herself off from her family, fearful of what they might find out. My father had kept her on a tight leash, but he was away so much now that she probably could’ve broken free ages ago.

If only I understood what was holding her back. Lack of confidence? Guilt? The threat of his wrath?

“How you doin’, man?” Kai said, opening the door and getting settled in the car.

“Pretty good,” I said, steering back onto the road. “Psyched about logging some time. It’s been a while.”

“Same here,” he said, shoving his hands through his shoulder-length hair. If I let my hair grow out like he had, I’d look ridiculous, but Kai was the epitome of cool and wore it well.

“Rachel good?” I asked as we pulled off the next freeway exit.

He grinned in a way that told me he got something good last night and maybe again this morning. “She’s great.”

We parked, exited the car, and were greeted by my uncle Jack. “Nice to see you boys together again.”

As we further entered the building he said, “Where’s your brother?”

I looked toward the window. “Luke should be on his way.”

Not a moment later, Luke heaved open the door looking wild eyed and pumped up. He wore a scowl on his face that suggested he’d been rushing to make it on time or had just gotten in an argument with his girlfriend.

As usual, his mood permeated the room. Everyone seemed to tiptoe around him when he got like this and even my uncle approached him cautiously by clapping him gently on the shoulder.

Then he led us to a back room where we slipped into our Nomex driving suits. They were used as a precaution, for crashes and fire safety. Though if we even thought about getting stupid out there and jeopardizing anything, my uncle would unquestionably ban us from his racetrack.

Today was the day I’d be allowed to drive my favorite ride, a red number 89. It was a souped-up stock car with a 1,300 horsepower and could hug the curves at 315 miles per hour—not that my uncle would ever permit that.

Before I followed my uncle and Kai down to the pit, I grabbed hold of my brother’s arm at the top of the stairs.

“What the fuck, dude?” I growled close to his ear. “What are you all jacked up about?”

“Fuck you,” he said, trying to loosen out of my grasp. “None of your damn business.”

“Man, I’m just concerned,” I said. “You’re always in a bad mood lately and you probably don’t even realize it.”

When he just stared at me, I got fed up and the words flew out of my mouth. “You’ve got some anger management issues, man. Just like Dad.”

“You’re an asshole,” he said, but I refused to let him free.

“Listen, we went through a lot with him as kids,” I said. “I just don’t want you to show that same kind of rage.”

“He was just trying to keep us in line,” he said, not meeting my eyes.

“Is that the lie you tell yourself?” I said, jostling him a bit. “Remember you and me? We’d hide out in each other’s rooms and listen as he beat her down.”