Shame Me Not

There was no other way. Knowing it was going to hurt her, I reached for the belt buckle and pulled it tighter, blocking out the way her chest vibrated with a pained groan. The silver latch pulled a little further and I watched, waiting for it to slip free. Blood dripped from where it pinched her skin. Finally, it released and I loosened the belt, pulling it completely off and tossing it aside.

Ana collapsed to the floor, clutching at her throat and taking in as many deep breaths as she could. Hunching over her, I wrapped her in my arms, holding her to me, letting my hands roam her body to remind myself she was okay. I held her so tightly, I could feel the beat of her heart against my chest.

This. This was why I had never wanted to be the way I was. This was my worst nightmare playing out before my eyes, and if I ever thought I’d felt shame and self-loathing before, it was nothing compared to the flood of grief that filled me then. I buried my head into her shoulder and sobbed like a baby. Like I was the one that had been suffocating a moment ago.

But I might as well have been. Ana was my life, and I hated myself for what had happened.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Ana.” Over and over again I said the words, until the feel of her hand rubbing up and down my back and moving through my hair registered. Until, I finally heard the quiet, “Shh-shh,” coming from my best friend. Until, I realized she was rocking me, holding me in her arms rather than me comforting her.

“Shh-shh. It’s okay Kevin. It was an accident. It’s okay. I’m okay.” For every apology that spilled from my lips, she told me it was okay. It felt anything from okay, as I sat there in the middle of my room naked and crying in the arms of the girl I’d truly hurt.

“I’m sorry, Ana,” I said again as I pulled myself together. She shifted back and held my cheeks in her hands, wiping away the tears with her thumbs. She placed gentle kisses all over my face, calming me incrementally with each tender touch.

“Stop apologizing. I’m okay. It was an accident. We’re learning and accidents will happen. We’ll grow from them.”

Pulling back, I scanned her neck and cringed at the red marks and cuts where her skin had been pinched, and the blood that had trickled onto her collarbone. “You’re not okay.”

“I am,” she said fiercely, staring me down, demanding I believe her. “I. Am. Okay. It was only a few seconds, and while I admit it was scary, I always had faith in you helping me. I trust you, Kevin.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t.” I pulled out of her hold, but she was not to be put off. She moved until she straddled my lap and could hold me in place again.

“I will always trust you because I know you. Don’t let this ruin today.” She shifted, lining her core up against my soft penis.

“Ana . . . maybe we shouldn’t . . . shouldn’t do this.” It hurt to say it, but I’d lost any desire I’d had earlier. Whatever power that had urged me on had vanished, and I was left tired and weak.

She ignored me and pressed her lips to mine, sliding herself up and down my shaft, pressing her breasts into my chest. Despite the horrible actions that had just played out, I could feel my blood pumping back into my groin. I pulled back, trying to resist, but Ana just tilted her head and leaned in to nip at my mouth with her teeth.

She was challenging me and I never turned down a challenge from Ana. With a growl, I gripped her ass and stood us both up. Instead of tossing her down on the bed like I usually would, I placed a knee on my mattress and slowly laid her out, gently. She may not have needed to go slow, but I did. I needed to coddle her and show her I could be soft and take care of her.

I needed to show myself.

So, I set to work starting at dragging my hands down her thighs and spreading her open to me. My mouth kissed and nibbled its way to her core where I leisurely swirled my tongue through her slit. Watching her squirm got me just as hard as if I’d had her fighting me off. I was still in control of her pleasure. I could’ve dragged it out or made her explode at any moment.

With one last flick of my tongue to her clit, I moved myself up her body to the bottom curve of her breast where I sucked, hard, intending to leave a mark as my fingers pinched her light pink nipples to a ruby red. Pulling back, I admired my work and assumed that mark would be there for the rest of the week. No one would know but us. Every time she took off her clothes she would have a reminder of how I’d had my mouth all over her.