“She’s a great worker,” I remind myself quietly. “I should be grateful that she wanted to keep working for me…”
But I can’t only feel that. I’m stuck in a place where I want everything from her. I have never had a connection with anyone like I did with Serena and it’s too hard to let go of. Without her, I feel more acutely lonely than I have ever been before. Even when me and Molly ended and she walked out on me, I didn’t feel this bad which is insane because me and Molly shared many years and I have only known Serena for a few short days. I have lost my mind. It kills me to be this close yet so epically far away from her. It’s painful for me not to be able to hold her any longer.
“Boss, is there anything that I can do to help you?” Alisha asks me through gritted teeth. “Since you have been here in our department so often the past few days, I can’t help but wonder why. If there is something wrong in this department, I would rather have a meeting with you and let me know because some of the staff members are beginning to worry…”
“Oh no, sorry.” I shake my head, trying to rid my brain of the potential love that I lost. “I’m just checking everyone out in general. With all the recent expansion, I just need to keep on top of things. You know how it is.”
Alisha follows my eyeline and she clocks at Serena. Without even meaning to, I have accidently blown out my relationship with her. I avert my eyes rapidly and stare at the floor instead before I start walking rapidly away.
“Nothing to worry about, Alisha,” I call behind me. “Everything looks good here. I won’t trouble you again.”
God, I’m becoming the sort of man that I never thought I would. Practically a stalker. Now, there isn’t even anything between Serena and myself and I have started rumors to begin. If I’m not careful then I will drive Serena out of the office and lose her forever. And, I won’t really be able to withstand that. Even having her from a distance where I can’t even really speak to her is better than nothing. At least I can see that she is doing fine.
At least I can get a break from all of this later on. It’s Friday and the weekend is up on me which means I will be leaving everything behind for a few days. I will be in my mansion, away from the apartment block, away from the office. A separation from Serena and this mess is actually what I need right now. I’m hoping that I will come back with a refreshed brain and a new attitude towards everything. I might even be okay with how things are. That’s a long shot, but it has to be better than being near her all the time without holding her in my arms.
It’s a trip that I should be looking forward to, and in a way, I am. I can’t wait for the space between us, but I also don’t want the distance. I feel awkward about being away from her, it doesn’t feel good. It’s not something I should do…my gut is telling me that sticking around would be much wiser, even if it won’t clear my head.
Urgh, I don’t know what will be best choice. I can’t decide. I shouldn’t be thinking about it at work anyway. I have other things that need my attention. My email inbox is full and I need to sort that out…
“This is right,” I tell myself as I pack up my bag to go. “I need the space. I need the mansion. My house needs me anyway. I can’t just neglect it, can I? I have to go back because…well, it’s my rest place.”
I have been trying to tell myself that work life balance is important to me, more urgent than ever before, but it isn’t sinking in. The words aren’t getting to me as they normally should. My gut instinct to keep myself as close to Serena as possible is almost tearing me apart from the inside out. It’s trying to kill me…
“Nothing more to do,” I declare with a sigh, checking around just in case there is anything else that can hold me back. I normally pack in the morning, but I didn’t bother today. “It’s time to get going. Time to go home.”
I step out of the apartment door with a heavy weariness resting on my shoulders. This week has been such a roller coaster. I have been through the sort of soaring highs that have improved my life tenfold, but now I’m in the middle of a crushing low that wants to destroy me. An emotional distance is exactly what I need to have…