“So I made a plan. I had a date, a date when I was going to finally put myself out of my misery and put my family out of it too. Yeah they would grieve, but at least they wouldn’t have to watch me rot from the inside out. They wouldn’t have to experience me fading away, worry about me all the time. The date came closer and adrenaline started running through my veins, I got a bit perkier, knowing the end was near. Not happy. I would never be happy.” I felt a lump start in my throat, but I had to keep going, Bull had to hear this.
“It was a Monday and I didn’t want anyone to find me, find my body. I didn’t want to do that to the people I loved. So when everyone was at work, I was going to call the ambulance, once I knew it was too late. I was just about to swallow a whole bottle of sleeping pills when my friend turned up. Lucky for me I had a friend who had been watching me, knew the signs. He had a gut instinct he said.” I looked Bull in the eyes, put my hand over his, he flinched but didn’t pull away.
“He saved my life,” I whispered. “I wasn’t grateful at the time, I was angry, so angry. Why couldn’t he let me make my choice, have control, get peace? Why couldn’t I have some power when everything else was taken away from me?” I gazed back into the fire.
“Didn’t get it then, I didn’t think life was worth living. I didn’t understand how cruel that choice would have been on the people who cared. I didn’t understand how much they cared; I had been too wrapped up in my own sorrow. I started to realize though, I saw the love I had around me, I started to see again.” I regarded him fiercely. “I know the look Bull, know the dead behind someone’s eyes when they have given up, planning something, going to check out.”
He narrowed his eyes.
“I know it cos I used to see it in the mirror every day.” My eyes glistened. “I can’t even imagine your pain. To feel what you carry around, what you’ve lost. But I know what she felt.” Bull’s grip on my hand tightened. “I know what she went through. I went through the same, but the man I loved was the one killing me, beating me. She knew the man she loved would be doing everything in his power to get her back.” Bull flinched.
“She would have died feeling that love Bull. My heart weeps for you, truly.” I stared into his lifeless eyes. “Don’t give up, don’t let those fuckers take two lives instead of one. You got love around you, I haven’t been here long but I can see it. Don’t give up.” I gave his hand a squeeze and stood. “If you’re going through hell, just keep on going. You’ll make it out eventually,” I whispered, leaning in and kissing his cheek, before I walked back to the party.
I’d said my piece, whether it was my place or not. I felt a hand grab my arm roughly. I panicked for a second before my gaze locked with Cade’s.
“What the fuck babe? I’ve been searching for you everywhere and you’re off in some dark corner will Bull?” he hissed, eyes dark with rage.
I smelled alcohol on his breath and wondered if he was drunk. Did he and Ginger share a bottle of Jack?
I ignored his hurtful words. “Don’t let him out of your or the boys’ sight,” I ordered sharply. Cade’s eyes snapped to attention.
“Why?” he barked.
“Just don’t. And make sure he isn’t armed,” I continued and understanding flickered in Cade’s eyes.
“Fuck!” he bit out, completely sober.
I nodded in the direction of the fire. “Go sort out your brother, I’ll go home with one of the girls.”
“No, you’ll stay here, in my room, I’ll show you there now. Wait for me,” he ordered. “Can’t be without you tonight baby.”
I smiled a sad smile and began to nod, that was until I saw lipstick on the side of his neck. As mentioned before, I wasn’t wearing lipstick. I didn’t want to make a scene, distract him from helping his brother but I sure as shit wasn’t sleeping in the bed he most likely fucked Ginger in either. I’d probably catch Chlamydia.
I pulled on his arm. “Just have to say a quick goodbye to the girls, won’t be a sec.” I quickly pecked his cheek and scampered off, knowing he was hot on my heels. I reached the table where Amy was currently chatting up Dwayne.
“Well, there you are! Cade’s been looking for you everywhere, he is not a happy chappy!” Amy chanted.
“You drive?” I asked quickly.
Amy caught my tone and nodded. “Couldn’t drive now though. I’m three sheets to the wind girlfriend,” she sang.
“Give me your keys,” I commanded holding out my hand.
She grabbed them out of her bag and threw them to me.
I saw Cade approaching out of the corner of my eye and I gave Amy a hug while whispering in her ear, “I’m taking your car, don’t say anything in front of Cade, just goodbye, text me if you need to be picked up.”
She frowned at me as I released her, but she nodded.
“See you girl,” I said loudly, then turned to the rest who were looking well and truly hammered, I blew them kisses. “Bye ladies!”
“Bye Gwen!” they all yelled over my shoulder as Cade dragged me into the clubhouse.
We marched into the entryway then through into a huge bar/living room where more partygoers were drinking and getting a bit friendly on the couches. I blushed a little and glanced away. I did catch a glimpse of double doors with ornate carvings on them and the word ‘Church’ above the doors. Cade’s rough hand around my waist directed me out of the room and into a long hallway with various doors off it, some very distinct moans coming from behind the closed doors. I screwed my nose up, thinking I was going to have to hear people going at it while planning my escape in Cade’s room. But we went up some stairs and the sounds quieted. He unlocked a door at the top of the stairs and led me into his room. It was more like a mini apartment. Again, like his house, it wasn’t tidy, an unmade bed lay before us. My stomach clenched at what probably went on between those sheets not long before. He expected me to sleep in those soiled sheets? Prick.