Nothing Left to Lose (Guarded Hearts 1)

He didn’t bolt though; instead, he put his forehead to my knees and sighed. “I knew that was it. I knew this was about Jack,” he mumbled, his voice muffled against my knees. “Anna, do you really think that because you don’t know what to say to me, that saying nothing is better?” he asked sadly, not raising his head.

I couldn’t stand the pain in his voice; I tangled one hand in his hair. “I’m sorry, but you didn’t say anything either,” I countered, trying to make him shoulder some of the blame that was clearly all mine.

He sighed. “I wanted to give you space, Baby Girl, I knew you needed space. I figured you’d come talk to me when you were ready, but I just can’t wait any longer.” He lifted his head from my knees and looked at me intently. “I really like you,” he whispered, trapping me in his eyes so I couldn’t look away.

My breath caught in my throat. I liked him too, but I just couldn’t let him in, I couldn’t. Even aside from the fact that I was still messed up over Jack, I couldn’t go through another heartbreak. Everything I touched turned to shit and left in the end, and I couldn’t stand for that to happen to him. Having him in my life as a friend, or even as an acquaintance, was much better than not having him at all.

“I like you too,” I muttered, “but I just want us to be friends. There’s something between us though, I don’t know if you feel it too, but it’s like a need, like something I long for, but I can’t have it. I can’t let you in, I’m sorry.” And I truly was sorry. Sorry for all the times I may have led him on and used him for a quick bit of self-pleasure, support and comfort. That wasn’t fair of me, I knew that. The words were painful to say; it felt like I was ripping my heart out, and the pain that I felt scared me even more. It was then that I realised that I’d already let him in to a certain extent.

“You can’t let me in, or you won’t?” he countered, not taking his eyes from mine.

“Both.” I was fighting the urge to cry, I could feel my eyes prickling with tears.

He sighed. “I don’t like hurting you. I think I should just request a reassignment so it’ll make things easier on you.”

Panic surged through me at the thought of being without him. I couldn’t do it. I needed him way too much for my own good. I threw myself at him, knocking him flat onto his back as I wrapped my arms around his neck tightly, afraid to let go. The emotions that were threatening to break free merely seconds before now hit me full force.

“No! Oh God, please don’t go. I’m so sorry. I won’t shut you out again, I won’t. Please don’t leave me,” I choked out between sobs, gripping fistfuls of his T-shirt.

He gasped, wrapping his arms around me tightly too, stroking the back of my head soothingly. “Anna, shush. It’s okay. I won’t leave if you don’t want me to. That was just a suggestion, that’s all. I just don’t like hurting you all the time. You’re killing me, I swear.”

I sniffed in a very unladylike fashion and pulled back so I could look at him. “I’m so sorry. I just need you around me. Please don’t leave,” I begged. “I just can’t be with you in that way. I can’t do that to you or Jack, please understand.”

He sighed, cupping my face in his hands. “I understand. Just don’t put me through this again, alright? I hate seeing you upset and knowing that I caused it.”

“You didn’t cause it. It was my fault. I’m so sorry. Please say you forgive me?” I begged. The emotional pain at the thought of him leaving me was crushing me inside.

He tilted my head down and kissed the tip of my nose tenderly. “There’s nothing to forgive, Baby Girl. I enjoyed last night as much as you did.” He wiped my tears off my cheeks using his thumbs. “Just promise me we’ll talk through stuff in the future. Don’t shut me out again, promise?”

I nodded quickly. “I promise.”

A gorgeously wicked smile crossed his face. “Good. Now, how about we skip the rest of the day and go catch a movie or something?”

I laughed, wiping away the last of my tears; he always did seem to know how to make me feel better. “You’re a bad influence on me, Agent Taylor,” I scolded, grinning now too.

“Yeah, but you love it,” he teased, rolling so that I was under him and then pushing himself up to his feet.

“Yeah, I do,” I admitted. I smiled and took the hand he offered, letting him pull me to my feet. We walked hand in hand to the car as he called Dean to tell him we were leaving. As we climbed into the car, I silently prayed I could always keep Ashton in my life somehow.

Chapter Twenty

~ Ashton ~

I woke in the morning with Anna nudging me gently in the ribs. I smiled and opened my eyes. She was wide awake, looking at me, grinning like the Cheshire cat. The same as every morning, her eyes were still droopy from sleep and her hair was messy and sticking out. Still, she took my breath away.

“Hi. What are you grinning at me like that for?” I asked, confused. Had I done something to make her happy? I thought back over the last few days but couldn’t think of anything specific, today was just a random Thursday, so nothing was going on that I could think of.

“Well, I’ve got you something for your birthday on Saturday, but I need to give it to you now.”

“What? How do you know it’s my birthday on Saturday?” I asked, rubbing my sleepy eyes and propping myself up on my elbow.