Before You

Billie Paige was exactly what I wanted in a woman—intelligent, independent, and gorgeous.

She just wasn’t a woman I could be with.

And I didn’t take that lightly.

My purpose was to help her reach the other side of this, to be the reason she was healed. I wasn’t here to fuck her and make her feel worse.

Still, I needed to keep reminding myself of that because it was so easy to get lost when I was with her.

The better job I did, the sooner this would happen.

And then I’d be gone.

That was what I told myself after every text I sent her. This was only a temporary arrangement, and that was the best thing for all of us.

It didn’t mean she left my mind. That when I stared into the lobby, I didn’t see myself carrying her through it, her legs wrapped around my waist, my mouth on hers, bringing her to a room where I could get her naked.

Goddamn it, I wanted that more than anything.

I just couldn’t have her.

I shook my head, running my hand over my beard, and I took a step back and then another, finally turning around to head home.

FORTY

HONEY

WINTER 1985

ONCE HONEY and Andrew had the discussion about having children, Honey immediately stopped taking her birth control. And every chance they could, they found themselves trying to get pregnant. It was as though this decision had tuned them into each other’s bodies in a way they hadn’t been before.

They simply couldn’t get enough of each other.

Honey would meet Andrew at the hospital during her lunch break to make love. They woke each other in the middle of the night and did it again in the shower the next morning. Even though there was a small window each month where she could get pregnant, she wasn’t focused on it. She was enjoying her husband, the intimacy, the connection they were building.

But still, every month, when it was time for Honey to get her period, she hoped it wouldn’t come.

And every month, it did.

After six months of trying, Honey began to panic.

She wasn’t even twenty-five years old, she had been off birth control for an acceptable amount of time, and she and her husband were both healthy.

So, she didn’t understand why she wasn’t pregnant yet.

Andrew never brought it up.

Then again, he didn’t have to. Honey would leave the small box of tampons on the back of the toilet as soon as she started. When the box went back under the sink, it was Honey’s way of telling him they could try again.

But as the months went on, Honey wasn’t stopping at the hospital during lunchtime, and they weren’t making love every morning and again before bed. When they reached the end of the ninth month, Honey knew she needed to have a conversation with Andrew. Since they had started trying, each of them had bought things for their unborn child.

Now, an entire nursery was filled.

Except … there was still no baby.

And every time Honey walked by it, she felt like her body was failing her.

On an evening she knew he was off, she went to their favorite restaurant and picked up food to go. When she got home, she placed it on two dishes and opened a bottle of wine. They sat across from each other at the kitchen table.

Honey stabbed the end of her lasagna with her fork. “I feel completely defeated.”

Andrew put his down and looked at her. “Why?”

Honey swallowed, feeling the wine burn the back of her throat. “Because I can’t give you a baby.” Her eyes filled with tears, and she was trying so hard to catch them before they fell.

His eyes softened. “Hey, that’s not true, and there’s no reason for you to get upset about this. Most women don’t get pregnant for a year, and we’re still months away from that.”

Honey listened to her husband. As a doctor, he would know better than anyone. But still, she couldn’t understand why the women in her life had gotten pregnant so much faster. Honey’s own mother had barely had to try with her. Several of her girlfriends had only taken a few months.

“You’re right,” she said, convincing herself she wouldn’t dwell on it. “It’s just going to take time, and I’m okay with that.” Her throat calmed, and her tears began to pull back.

“Come here, baby.”

She took a breath, clearing the final bit of emotion from her voice, and then she got up and went around to his side of the table, taking a seat on his lap.