Before You

It made perfect sense to me.

I was walking again, her eyes on me like I was slithering toward her, but I was returning to the couch. “Your pictures weren’t enough. I had to see your happiness with my own eyes. I had to know you were really living. I know how fucking selfish that sounds, but that’s why I did it, why I did the whole thing.”

Her lips quivered, and I was sure mine were doing the same.

“But, Jesus, Billie, it wasn’t supposed to go any further. The plane wasn’t supposed to go down. I wasn’t supposed to have to protect you. I wasn’t supposed to be tethered to you by another goddamn crash.”

While my chest panted, I thought of the details I had left out. The darkness, the sleepless nights. The way the accident had been tormenting me every day since it happened.

She didn’t need to hear any of that.

During the pause, I watched the emotion build across her face, the tears dripping faster than before.

I was doing everything I could to stop myself from going to her, which was why when she asked, “Why did you let us happen, Jared?” I wasn’t ready for it.

I cleared my throat, trying to push the burning away, trying to clear my voice so she could really understand me. “I fought for as long as I could; you need to know that. That’s why I left the night of the gala and why it took that long for anything to happen between us.” I rubbed my palms across my eyes, feeling how fucking wet they were. “I didn’t plan this, Billie. I certainly didn’t plan on falling in love with you.”

“Oh my God … I can’t.” She pushed away from the wall and went to the other side of the living room where she paced the small space.

When she finally looked up, I saw all the different paths the tears had taken when they dripped down her cheeks.

“Were you ever going to tell me?” She sucked in a breath, and my throat clenched. “Or were you just going to promise me forever, knowing damn well that was a lie?”

I tightened my hands together, and I tried to inhale. And at the same time, I tried to stop the feelings that were pelting against the inside of my chest. “I knew once you found out, I would lose you.”

She paused long enough for her eyes to narrow and said, “This is fucked!” She took a few more paces. “So fucked!”

I ran my hand over my beard, feeling the wetness that had fallen in there.

I knew this made it all even worse, that I was even more of an asshole to say it, but I needed her to hear the last bit of truth. I took every emotion that was bursting through me, and I gave it to her, hoping it would help her forgive me. “Billie, in all these years, I’ve never loved anyone … before you.”

SEVENTY-ONE

BILLIE

“FUCK!” I shouted, walking away from the wall, staring at Jared by the couch.

He was telling me I was the first woman he ever loved in the same conversation that he admitted to lying, concealing his identity because he had known he would lose me.

And he was right.

“I hate you for putting us here.” I squeezed the messy bun on top of my head, trying to make sense of my thoughts. “For making me face this situation and for being so goddamn selfish.” I stared at him, every inch of me screaming, all for different reasons. “For making me fall in love with you.” I balled my fingers into fists, my tears dripping onto my shirt. “For destroying my entire family.”

I took several more steps and then moved back to the windows, retracing the same route again. The pacing eased nothing. My emotions were building even stronger instead. And when I finally turned to him, I saw how red and watery his eyes were. Part of me was pleased, and the other part wanted to wipe them. It was the biggest mindfuck.

“You lied to me,” I whispered, keeping my hands where they belonged.

“I had to.”

“That’s bullshit.” My fingers moved to my heart. It was beating so fast, aching like it had been punched. “I had every right to know who you really were, and you had no right to keep that from me.”

My palm flattened, my fingertips spreading to my throat. It was getting harder to swallow, and I was hoping like hell the pressure would help it.