Before You

“I agree, Billie. But I just wanted to protect you.”

“Jared, I wasn’t yours to protect.” There was so much emotion in my throat; even my voice was quivering. “Isn’t it ironic how the person I really needed to be guarded from this entire time was you? You destroy everything you come into contact with.”

I opened my mouth, and when I tried to take in air, I yelped. My hand went over my lips, and I could barely grip my face, as it was so wet from the tears.

“It was an accident,” he said, making sure I heard him. “I was only seventeen years old. I didn’t drink or do drugs. I fell asleep at the wheel, and it turned out to be the biggest mistake of my life.” His voice softened. “I live with that guilt every second of the day.”

With my hand still over my mouth, my nose flaring as I tried to fill my lungs, my heart broke all over again. Because in that moment, I knew it was over between us.

I’d known before he even walked in the door, but it was clearer now that I saw the guilt on his face, and I finally knew the reason for it.

It would never go away. Never dim. It would be there every time he looked at me.

For the rest of our lives.

His wounds were just too thick.

Like mine.

Jared couldn’t be the hero who had protected me from the crash and the man who had killed half of my family.

It was either one or the other.

I had to make a choice.

“I know it was an accident, but I …” My lips trembled as my chest heaved, the pain there becoming excruciating. “I can’t forgive what you did to my mother and brother.” It felt like my jaw was locking together, and I had to unglue it. “I can’t see you anymore. I can’t have you in my life. I can’t … I fucking can’t.” I hiccuped, air coming in far too fast now. I shook my head, trying to calm myself down. “It’s over, Jared. You have to get out of my apartment.”

“Billie … I’m sorry.”

“It doesn’t matter. Go.”

“I’m so fucking sorry.” He stood, his hands grinding into his temples, his eyes pleading with mine. “If I could take that night back, I would. It’s haunted me since the moment it happened.” He swallowed, and I saw a tremble in his throat. “And I feel it every single time I look at you.”

“You lied to me,” I reminded him, making sure he didn’t expect any sympathy. “And now, you’re going to lose me.” When my belly began to churn, I put one arm around it and used the other to point at the door. “It’s time for you to go.”

“Billie, please.”

“You didn’t give me a choice when you put us on that plane together.” I didn’t know if it was anger or sadness coming through, but I felt so much of both. “Give me one now and respect what I’m asking.”

His mouth closed, and his hands stayed planted on his head.

He stared at me for several seconds, and it was the longest pause of my entire life. I felt every beat, every emotion. I was still fighting with myself—half of me wanting to tell him to run, the other half wanting to tell him to hold me because I ached so badly that I thought I was going to collapse.

“Get the hell out, Jared!”

He came closer, and my entire body tensed. My arm tightened around my stomach. I shook from trying to hold in my sobs. When I went to tell him to stop right where he was, he halted just feet away.

And then he whispered, “Good-bye, Billie.”

This was the strongest I’d felt his presence all night. The first time I was able to smell him. Where I could extend my arm forward without even bending my body and touch his chest.

And with this distance came a whole new set of emotions.

Ones I had absolutely no idea what to do with.

But the closeness only lasted a second, giving me a tiny taste of what it felt like to be near Jared Morgan. Then, he walked to my front door, and I heard it shut, the automatic lock clicking into place.

Now that I knew he was really gone, I inhaled, and I felt a mix of so many sensations I’d never experienced before. My hands covered my face. My body contracted. My breath shuddered as the cries worked through me.

It hurt.

My God, did it hurt, and I crawled to the couch and wrapped a blanket over me. I didn’t know how long I stayed there and shook or the amount of time it took for my breath to return. But when I finally had it under control, I took my phone out of my back pocket, and I called Ally.