He nodded. “But when I’m with you guys…I feel happy. Even when you say I can’t have pizza or we can’t go to the ice cream parlor, I’m happy.”
I released the painful breath I’d been holding.
He shrugged. “Mom and I don’t really do anything together. She tells me to stay in my room and do my homework, and she watches TV or does these weird things on a pink mat.” He grabbed his fork again. “I want to stay with you, Dad. You’re way better than Mom.”
Normally, I would tell him not to say anything like that, but I couldn’t find the energy. Maybe Tucker was right. Maybe Cleo was right. Derek didn’t need both of us to be happy. Maybe this was for the best. Without Valerie’s bad energy and her selfishness, we could have a quiet life, a drama-free life. And Cleo could give him everything he couldn’t get from me, a woman’s touch. “I’m really happy you’re going to be here with us, Derek.” My hand moved to his shoulder, my fingers giving him a gentle squeeze. “You’re the most important thing in the world to me.” My hand went to the back of his head, cupping his small neck.
“I know, Dad.”
“I love you…so much.” I leaned over the table and pressed a kiss to his forehead, feeling my eyes water. He was the only person in the world who could make me weak like this, make me express emotion through tears. I loved Cleo with all my heart, but it still didn’t compare to what I felt for him. He was the reason I was human, the reason I had a heart, the reason I was capable of love at all. If I’d never had him, I probably wouldn’t ever have been able to feel anything for Cleo.
Derek watched me. “I know you do, Dad.”
I tucked Derek into bed and sat at the edge, my hand resting on his heart, feeling it beat gently.
Derek looked up at me, wearing his space pajamas, so small and innocent.
I would get to do this for as long as he would allow me. He would change, turn into a teenager, and we would probably butt heads. Then he would turn into an adult, be anxious for independence, and run out the door to college.
But at least I got to experience that.
Why wouldn’t Valerie want to?
I’d have to talk to him about sex, make sure he knew how to be gentle, understood consent, to always wear a condom. There would probably be times when he would hate me for whatever reason, and I would have to deal with it.
Raising him was still a privilege.
I was grateful I got to have it.
With Valerie’s absence, it would just be us, but I knew I could be what he needed. I could love him enough to make up for his mother’s indifference. I could be a mother and a father. I could fill the void his mother’s absence might cause. I was up for the challenge.
“Why are you sad?” he whispered.
My eyes shifted to his, impressed he could read people’s moods so well. I was getting better at it, but I was still pretty terrible. “I’m not. I’m just…really grateful that I get to see you every day…and watch you grow up.” When I’d moved to New York, I was so devastated to leave my son behind. It was like a bullet hole that wouldn’t close. “You’re my best friend.”
“I am?” he whispered.
I nodded.
“Can you have more than one best friend?” he asked.
“Yeah, I think so.”
“Good. Because Tommy…I think he’s my best friend.”
I smiled. “I’m okay with sharing you.”
“Good. And isn’t Cleo your best friend?”
I nodded. “Yeah…she is.”
“I really like Cleo.”
“Yeah, I really like her too.”
“Are you guys gonna get married?”
This was why I loved him. We could have conversations despite his young age. He didn’t quite grasp adulthood, but he was mature enough to understand some of it. “Yes. Someday.”
“Why don’t you ask her now? She lives with us.”
“You think I should?” I asked with a smile.
“Yeah. She already lives with us, and she’s really pretty.”
I chuckled. “She is pretty, huh?”
“She looks like a Disney princess.”
I chuckled again. “She does.”
“You want me to ask her for you?” Derek asked. “Are you too scared?”
That was when I was reminded he was just a young boy. His intellect was caged by his age. “I’m not scared, Derek. But thank you for the offer.”
“Tommy likes this girl in our class. He was too scared to talk to her, so he asked me to do it for him. So, I’ve done this before.”
I laughed. “I didn’t realize you had so much experience with this.”
“Yeah. I’m pretty good.”
“Okay, I’ll keep that in mind.” I patted his chest. “Good night, little man.” I leaned over him and kissed him on the forehead. “Love you.”