Lila didn’t laugh as much as I expected her to. “I’m sad for you and Ronin. I feel responsible.”
“No.” I shook my head a half dozen times. “You didn’t know you were going to fall off the side of a mountain. It’s a miracle you lived. We don’t regret miracles. And Ronin is a paramedic. He’s wanted to save lives since he was a little boy. Even after his accident and his experience … he chose to save lives. Some firefighters never make it out of a burning building. Some soldiers come home with permanent wounds. People who do extraordinary, brave things do it knowing it could kill them or change them forever. They don’t want our sympathy; they want to know that the people they protect and save don’t waste their second chance at life. If you want to thank Ronin, be happy. Okay?”
Lila dabbed the corners of her eyes and bit her lips together as she nodded. I kept my own emotions in check, just barely. Even with all the anger I felt sometimes toward Ronin, those words flowed effortlessly from my mouth. I loved him for a million reasons, saving my best friend was just one. However, loving him wasn’t the problem.
“I’m trying. This past year has been unimaginable. But Graham took me to dinner last night. Then we walked down the street to that ice cream place that has the mango-lime gelato. He held my hand like we were just a couple in love strolling under the evening lights. I didn’t think of the security tailing us or the occasional photo snapping. He didn’t look at his phone. Not once. Then he ordered rocky road and told me how his grandma introduced him to rocky road. He told me about the first pet he owned—a rabbit. It’s crazy how long we’ve known each other and I never knew he had a pet rabbit. Did you?”
I smiled. “No.” Graham told her something he never told me. That didn’t erase his indiscretions, but it was a step in the right direction to redeem the man I’d come to think of as unredeemable.
“He also had a stuffed dog named Moolah because his dad complained about all the things a real dog would destroy and how much money it would cost to replace them.” Lila grinned. “Why did he wait so long to tell me these things? To open up to me? Why did he wait so long to be the man I thought I was marrying?”
“Better late than never?” I wrinkled my nose.
Her gaze rested on the tiered trays. “I’m not sure. Do you ever …” She trailed off a million miles away.
“Do I ever what?” I leaned forward, refilling my cup of tea.
“Do you ever wonder if Graham is truly …” When her gaze lifted to mine, it filled with a dark emotion.
Pain?
Regret?
Fear?
“Truly what?”
“Trustworthy.”
No. He was not to be trusted. The voice in my head screamed, “RUN!” Then another voice started listing the things he’d done for me and my family.
That Porter-Taylor scoreboard flashed in neon.
His whispered threats.
My pregnant sister.
My father with a kidney that would not last forever.
The Clean Art building.
“What don’t you trust about him?”
“He’s just different. I mean, we’re all different. Older. Married. Kids. Different jobs. Responsibilities get in the way. We don’t shut down the bars anymore. I don’t get to Aspen as often to make soap with you. You don’t watch games with Graham anymore. But you’re still you. And on good days…” Lila gave me a half smile “…I’m still me.”
“You don’t think Graham’s still Graham?”
He wasn’t. I questioned not only his loyalty to his wife and friend, I questioned his sanity. But while my best friend remained married to him, those words sat nervously idle in my gut. Approaching the “your husband may be a psychopath” subject required absolute proof. Loving me, desiring me, didn’t necessarily make him a psychopath, just a terrible husband. Sniffing me … that rode the line, but it also fit into the pervert category. Not all perverts were psychopaths. The worst part? I would have told Lila about his inappropriate behavior had it not been with me. As ridiculous as it sounded, I felt like I could rehabilitate him, steer him back on course. Avert an affair that would have happened had it been anyone else but me whom he pursued.
“Sometimes he’s Graham. Sometimes he’s unrecognizable. One moment he’s kind and his amazing self, but other times I feel like he wishes he hadn’t marry me. And please, please don’t tell him I said that. I know you’ve always felt responsible for our happiness together, but you’re not. And after last night, I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize his generous mood. I’m just expressing my thoughts … my fear that it won’t last.”
I nodded slowly. “W-what has he done to make you question if he really wanted to marry you?”