Lila shook her head. “It’s nothing. Silly actually.”
“It’s not silly. Just tell me.”
Her nose wrinkled as her gaze met mine and several pregnant seconds passed. “Occasionally, I think he wishes he would have married you instead of me.”
Those words evoked strong nausea. Had she seen something? In the Hamptons, did she see one of the multiple occasions that Graham crossed that line by the length of an ocean? “Me?” I laughed a little, as much as I could with my scone churning in my stomach, pushing bile up my throat. “He’s made it his life’s goal to remind me how imperfect I am compared to you. He encouraged me to pursue Ronin. He knows our drunken mistake in college proved we would never work well as anything more than friends—”
“But what if …” Her nose remained wrinkled.
I couldn’t blame her. Graham’s feelings toward me fell into the cringe-worthy category. My grimace tried to claw its way to the surface as well. I held it back.
“What if you thought it was a mistake, but he didn’t? I know … I know it sounds crazy, but what if he’s secretly been pining for you all these years? And what if his insults were high school antics, reverse psychology to get you to like him … to encourage you to prove him wrong by getting him to like the very things he said he didn’t like about you?”
My jaw dropped, feigning shock. How could I expect anything less from my best friend? She noticed guys eyeing me before I spotted them in a room. Her intuition was right nine out of ten times. Lila graduated with honors, navigated the world by herself for years, started her own company that she later sold to be the governor’s wife. Beyond her endearing traits of kindness and loyalty, my friend possessed a wicked intelligence and razor-sharp intuition. When Lila seemed blind to something, it wasn’t because she didn’t see it; it was simply because she purposely turned a blind eye to it.
“I don’t know what to say, except, if there’s any truth to your theory, if Graham had feelings for me beyond friendship, he knows I’m happily married. In the pining scenario, he has no chance of being with me in that way. So it makes no sense to ruin his marriage for … misplaced feelings from the past.”
No lie.
It didn’t make sense to risk his marriage for a fantasy. Graham had no chance of ever being with me.
“I know. Trust me, I know it’s ridiculous. But sometimes the ridiculous is real. Have you ever sensed it? Even a little bit?”
Yes. When he rubbed his erection against me, sniffed my crotch, and announced that I was his endgame or challenge in life, I sensed a bit of pining.
“You know I’m oblivious to little signs, subtle gestures. So, if there’s any truth to it, then I don’t know what to say. If it were the case, I’d feel terrible. Devastated even.”
I did. I felt terrible. And the times he crossed that line, I felt complete devastation.
“And if you knew it for sure or could prove it, what would you do? I mean … what do you do if your husband longs for something he can never have? Clearly, he won’t ever cheat on you with me. But you also have to know that I support you and your happiness without preexisting conditions. I told you to love you first. And that hasn’t changed. We are forever, even if you and Graham are not.”
She scraped her teeth along her lower lip several times, pointing her gaze to her teacup. “I’m not leaving him. And if you ever told him about this conversation, he would never forgive me.”
“Lila, I will never say a word to him.”
“I just need …” When she glanced up, tears filled her eyes.
“Your friend,” I whispered.
She nodded.
I set my tea on the table and moved to her side, giving her a gentle hug and a kiss on the cheek. “It killed me to keep the truth about Ronin from you for so long. I needed to tell my friend, but it’s hard to tell your friend if that friend is then put in the position to feel responsible. I get it, Lila. I understand completely. But we have to always remember that this is more than friendship. We are family.” I released her hand and knelt on the floor beside her chair, resting a comforting hand on her leg.
Lila relinquished a sad smile. “I know. But sometimes family hides the truth to protect the ones they love for as long as they can.”
I wanted to say, “Not us.” I wanted us to swear we would never keep anything from each other, but I couldn’t. And Lila didn’t suggest a complete honesty pact either, which meant I wasn’t the only one holding back a piece of the truth.