Sometimes we loved with lies and protected with sins.
“Yes.” I returned a single slow nod. “Sometimes we start wars and throw ourselves into the line of fire to protect the ones we love. But let’s try to avoid starting a war and stay out of the line of fire.”
Lila rested her good hand on mine and squeezed it. “Agreed.”
On my way back to Aspen, I called my mom.
You’ve reached Corey and Madeline. We’re too lazy to answer your call. Please leave a message.
I redialed three times and ended the call before it gave me the chance to leave a message. Her voice. It was all I had left of her. When I heard it, the reality of her death didn’t seem possible. I mean … she was right there on the other end of the line.
Happy.
Healthy.
Alive.
After the fourth time calling her, I left a message. “Hi, Mom. Are you tired of my crazy messages? I hope not. Maybe you should be glad that you’re not here to deal with my life right now. It’s so weird … having everything yet feeling like every day is a struggle. I don’t know how to put the pieces of my life together. So I try to focus on the kids. I know that’s what you would have done. It’s what you did. Even when you were sick, you focused on me and Katie. Franz and Anya. Sometimes the only truth I can still feel is that you raised me to be a good mom. I wish I could be to Ronin what I am to the kids. He’s in so much pain. I see it even when he tries to hide it. Maybe it’s Lila, but I don’t see the same pain on her face. Maybe it’s something more … something beyond our control. But I feel like …”
I wiped a few tears. “I feel like I’m losing him a little every day. So I hug my babies, and I tell myself over and over that they are enough. It pains me to imagine a life without Ronin, but I feel so helpless. And if I’m honest, I’m just tired. I’m tired of not knowing what version of my husband will walk through the door. Not knowing where he is or who he’s with. I’m tired of feeling responsible for Graham and Lila. I just … some days I just want to pack up the kids and leave. Maybe go stay with Dad or find a beach where I can cast away my pain into the vast ocean. I don’t know …” I sighed. “Franz is out of school. I’ll figure this out. But I appreciate you being here for me. I feel you. Your smile. Your arms around me. Your voice reminding me to take it one day at a time. I love you, Mom. And I miss you beyond words.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Ronin
Lila had cancer.
I had lies. The healthy man’s cancer.
Something had to give. I just feared it would be Evelyn … giving up on me. She gave me my space. Too much space. We worked. Played with the kids. Cooked and cleaned. And at night we crawled into the same bed, but it felt empty. I hoped in a parallel universe we were making love and living our intended life of bliss. Maybe in that other universe I didn’t feel Lila. God … I hoped so.
In spite of her telling me that Lila seemed better when she last saw her, I knew the truth. I felt the truth. Nearly a month had passed since I’d been with Lila, and it showed in my level of enthusiasm for life. I called her twice, but she wasn’t available to see me. Starting her own engineering firm consumed her time. That and trips for treatment. I didn’t know how she did it or why Graham encouraged her when she clearly had no business doing anything but focusing on beating cancer.
“I think I’m taking the kids to California for Thanksgiving. I want to see Katie and my dad.” Evelyn packed Franz’s lunch as I packed my own lunch while Anya slept and Franz brushed his teeth.
“How long are you thinking? I’m not sure how much time I can get off.”
She shrugged without looking up from the two slices of bread on the counter. “I’m not sure. I might let Franz miss a little school so we can stay out there for maybe … two weeks. I’m interviewing someone today to help Sophie at the store, so I should have plenty of coverage.”
“There’s no way I can take two weeks off around Thanksgiving, especially if we get the amount of snow they’re predicting.”
“That’s fine.”
I slid my sandwich and salad into my thermal bag and leaned my hip against the counter. Evie calmly spread peanut butter onto the bread.