This Regret

He rubs his hands together before placing his hand on the small of my back and walking me to it. “Hell yeah, it is. You know how I always wanted a lifted truck.” He opens the truck door and before I can say anything, he has his hand on my ass, boosting me up and into the truck. “Watch your head, sweet tits,” he teases.

I slap his arm and surprisingly it hurts my hand. “What the hell are you packing under there?”

He glances down to the natural bulge in his jeans and smiles mischievously. “It’s a secret,” he whispers. “A huge one. So big that I can never tell you. It’s mind blowing and orgasmic.” He lifts an eyebrow and closes the door to his truck.

“Ha! Very funny, smart ass.” I lean my head against the cold, leather seat and squirm from his words. That’s a secret I would kill to know. Even though it’s kind of disturbing, I find myself wondering if it’s bigger than Kade’s. I’m dirtier than I thought I was.

I try not to look at him as he gets in and shuts the door behind him. “You’re still a smart ass I see, so maybe you haven’t changed much over the years.”

His hand grips the steering wheel and tightens as he puts the key into the ignition and turns. “I don’t know about that, Phoenix. It’s a little too soon to judge, don’t you think.”

Exhaling, I turn the other way to face the window. There are so many things I want to say and so many questions to ask, but I can’t. Not just yet, at least. As much as I know I should stay away, I can’t deny the fact he makes me want to do exactly the opposite.

We’re driving for a good ten minutes before finally, I realize we’re nowhere near where my car is parked. “Umm, where are we going? My car is at the park, remember?”

He looks distressed and his hands are shaking on the steering wheel. That’s when I take a closer look and see we are outside the woods of our secret hangout.

He parks the truck and turns off the ignition. I try to speak, but I can’t. This place brings nothing but heartache for me. I can’t be here right now. I can’t. The bad memories of that day will forever overpower the good ones.

“I had to come here.” He swallows hard and stares out into the blackness of the night. “Just one last time, at least. I’ve missed this place and everything that’s happened here.”

Panic sets in and my breathing is almost uncontrollable. All I can picture is me, sitting alone in the woods, staring off like a zombie with tear streaked eyes. The feeling numbs me, taking over my body and my mind, causing my throat to close and my chest to tighten.

“What’s wrong?” Kellan leans over and quickly unbuckles my seat belt. “Are you having some kind of panic attack? Breathe.” I feel his arms wrap around my waist before I am pulled out of my seat and into the comfort of his lap, his eyes searching mine. “Can you breathe?”

No, especially not now. Thanks a lot.

I just stare at him as he places his hands on either side of my face before running his hand down my neck, gently brushing over my bare skin and placing it over my heart. Boths of our breath quickens as he brings his eyes up to meet mine and keeps them there for what seems like an eternity.

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize that being here would have such an effect on you. I figured you’ve been coming here over the years. It’s always been your favorite place.”

I pull my eyes away and take a deep breath through my nose and exhale. He pulls his hand away from my heart when he notices my breathing beginning to slow down. “I’m such a jerk, Phoenix. I should have asked you first. I just had to see it and I didn’t want to come alone. It wouldn’t feel right.”

Squeezing my eyes shut, I lower my head and place it in my hands. “No. No, you’re not a jerk,” I manage to breathe. “You couldn’t have known. How could you?” You’ve only been gone for eight years without even a single phone call to check on us. “It’s okay.”

I shift in his lap, taking notice of his crotch digging into my backside. It’s not hard, but for some odd reason just the feel of it makes me hot and I start to sweat. All I can think about is pulling it out and wrapping my lips around it, stroking my hand up and down the length of his shaft. Obviously, my thoughts are out of control when I’m around him. “I just . . .” I shift a little more feeling uncomfortable.

He stops me from squirming, wraps his arms around me and pulls my head down to his shoulder. I take a deep breath, breathing him in and savoring this moment that I may never get again. Somehow being in his arms gives me a feeling of safety that I never thought I’d feel again.

“You don’t need to explain. You don’t owe me any explanations. We’ll leave and I’ll take you to your car.”

After seeing it again for the first time in eight years, a small part of me almost wants to stay. As much as it hurts, I’m drawn to it. That seems to be a problem for me these days.

“No.”

Kellan looks down at me and rubs his thumb over my cheek, causing my legs to tremble. “Are you sure? You’re shaking. We can leave right now. I don’t need to come back. It’s part of the past now, an old memory.”

I place my hand behind him, trailing it up his neck, before playing with the back of his hair. Oh, how I love his hair. “We can sit here for a few minutes.” I force a smile, feeling somewhat better. “I just can’t go in. Can you understand that?” My eyes search his, pleading for him to not ask any more questions. I just want to enjoy this moment, as if nothing else matters.

“Of course. We don’t have to go inside.”

I get ready to push my way out of his lap, but he wraps his arm tighter around me and pulls me against the firmness of his chest. His lips brush the top of my hair before stopping next to my ear and he whispers, “Just stay here, close to me. I want to feel like I’m protecting you. That was always my job.”

My heartbeat quickens and I start shaking once again, causing Kellan’s arm to tighten protectively around me. “I’m sorry, Kellan.”

He brushes my hair behind my ear and leans his head over my shoulder, his lips against my cheek. “For what? You haven’t done anything wrong.”

Yeah, I did. I’m keeping him from the one place he has probably wanted to see for years. The same place I have been avoiding. “I didn’t mean to ruin your night.”