This Regret

The peacefulness doesn’t last long though, before my mom is poking her head into my bedroom door. Her face looks paler than the usual and her eyes appear to be red and puffy. My guess is when she left this morning, she went to go see my father. I don’t see why she won’t just give herself time. Why hurt herself even more knowing the wounds are so fresh?

She smiles weakly before opening the door and stepping inside. She looks around as if she doesn’t know what to say or why she’s even in here to begin with. I suppose she could even be checking out my mess. Who knows? “Hey,” she says, finally finding her words. “Is something wrong?”

I sit up and swing my legs over the edge of the bed, motioning for her to take a seat. As crappy as I feel, at the moment, her problems are far greater than mine and I want to be stronger for her than she was for me. “Hey,” I reply with a nod. “Everything’s fine. I just had a little fight with my wardrobe.” I force a smile in an attempt to lighten the mood, but it does nothing to break through her pain. She takes a seat next to me, but sits stiffly while looking up toward the ceiling. “So . . . is Zoe over her little tantrum now? It will probably take her a few days to get over it, but you know she doesn’t really blame you for his mistakes, right? She’s just young and doesn’t think before she speaks.”

My mom nods her head and takes a deep breath before bringing her eyes down to meet mine. “I know. All kids go through this stage.”

Shifting to get comfortable, I raise my eyebrow in curiosity. “What stage?”

She smiles sadly and places her hand on her chin, before cupping it over her mouth. “Hating me. Adric’s was when he was nine. I told him he was too young to shave and that he didn’t have any hair to shave yet. He didn’t talk to me for two whole months because he said I didn’t understand his needs as a boy.” She laughs weakly at the memory. “Don’t ask. He was quite advanced for a nine year old. Yours was when you were fifteen. I was too worried about working things out to keep your father around instead of comforting you and Zoe. You wouldn’t even look at me for weeks and-“

“I didn’t hate you,” I breathe, cutting her off. I didn’t hate her. I hated myself and blamed myself for going to the fireworks with my parents instead of staying behind and waiting on him. “I was going through a hard time and I just wanted to be left alone. Even if you had tried, I probably would’ve pushed you away anyways. With Adric and Kellan both being gone . . .” I stand up and start pacing around the room. I hate this subject and try to avoid it at all cost. “I didn’t want anyone else, okay.”

It’s silent for a moment before either of us attempt to speak again and when my mother finally says, “That broke my world apart. It killed me, but I never showed it.” It breaks my world apart and all I want to do is get out of here. To run off like I did as a teenager, but I don’t because, I’m not a teenager anymore and someday I need to stop running.

I turn away from her and wipe a hand over my forehead, wiping away the sweat that is starting to form. I never know the right thing to say. All I can do is apologize for hurting her, but I can’t take back the truth I felt in my heart. “I’m sorry. I was young and those boys were always there for me. I was attached to their hips and everyone in town knew it, even them and they didn’t care because that was where they wanted me and now Kellan is back,” I squeak before covering my mouth and turning to face the wall. “Just never mind. You get it.”

My mom walks over, grips my shoulder and spins me around to face her. “What did you just say?” Her eyes widen as she waits for a response. She’s always felt that Kellan knows something about Adric that we don’t. That maybe he was somehow involved in Adric’s death. That to me, is just ridiculous. “He’s back? Have you talked to him? Does he know anything? Not that he would say if he did. We all know that he was a lying, deceiving-“

“Don’t you speak of him that way.” I yank my shoulder away from her and look her in the eye, breathing heavily. Maybe my instinct to protect him is just as strong as his is to protect me. I don’t know, but suddenly, I feel as if I could tear these walls down and set fire to the world. Her words sting like hell and shatter my heart. She didn’t know him. She doesn’t know him. “You don’t know shit about him. All you know are the lies. The ones he made up to protect Adric.” I take a step closer, looking directly at her to be sure she understands my words. “You didn’t know that, did you? About ninety percent of the time that Kellan was in trouble for something, it was because he stood up for Adric and took the blame. He was a good friend and a hell of a good person.”

She looks at me as if I’m some kind of alien and I speak a different language. “What makes you so sure of that?” Her bottom lip shakes in anger, not wanting to believe me. She would never believe that Adric could do any wrong. To her, he was an angel and I hate to be doing this right now. I’m not even sure why I am.

“I was there. In case you forgot, I was always there. Now please excuse me while I get ready for this party.” I point at my bedroom door and exhale, feeling like total crap for snapping out on her. “Please, just go. I need to calm down and get ready and I can’t with you insulting someone so important to me. It’s not right and I won’t stand for it. Please just go.”

“You want me to leave?” She questions me, looking a bit shook up. Her eyes soften and suddenly I feel like total crap for saying anything at all.

I nod and fidget with my skirt. “Just my room. You’re welcome here as long as you want and you know that. That’s what family is for. I just need to be alone right now.”

“Okay, I can respect that.” She turns to leave, but then stops. “By the way. I heard your phone ringing from inside the oven. I’m not too sure, but you might want it back before Zoe gets home and starts baking the casserole.”

I laugh, feeling ridiculous for putting it there in the first place. “Thanks. I kind of needed to get away from that for a while as well. It’s been a tough week.” I smile weakly as she nods her head and sucks in her bottom lip, trying not to smile.

“Understandable. I’m going to grab a few things from the house and I’ll be back later.”

“Okay.” I walk over and place my hand on the door. “Just do yourself a favor and don’t go by dad's when he is home. Not now at least.”