This Regret

He narrows his eyes at me and tilts his head. “Any day now would be nice, smart ass.”

He spreads my legs so his butt is situated between my legs now. Then he pulls me toward him so our faces are close to touching. “You have my full attention.”

Looking in his eyes, I almost forget what I was going to say for a moment. “Um . . . I saw.” I stop to swallow when his eyes focus on my lips. I need to get it together. “Remember that time when your parents were out of town and you had the whole house to yourself because Kade was staying at a friend’s?”

He nods, turning red now. He must know where this story is leading. He has to. “Adric drove me to the Ranch and asked me to go in and check on you because you weren’t answering the phone. The door was unlocked and I knew how much you loved relaxing in the pool and hot tub, so I walked through the house and poked my head through the pool room door. I found you naked, floating in the pool on a raft, with a beer in the cup holder. I think you were sleeping because your chin looked wet as if you were drooling.”

He snickers and picks his ass up, placing it in the grass. His legs are still on top of mine, but I’m free to move as I please now. “That was you?” He laughs as if he finds it just as funny as I did. “You should be the one embarrassed. I remember hearing little footsteps running through the house as if someone was about to get murdered. You ran off like a maniac. I woke up laughing, finding it funny that my nakedness made such an impact on an innocent bystander.” He picks a piece of grass and flicks it at my nose. “For the record, I still do that. All of it except now, it’s Jack instead of beer.”

I feel my face flush at the thought and suddenly, I am embarrassed as shit. “Okay.” I push him before lying on my back, lacing my fingers on the back of my head, and looking up at the clouds. “Now tell me the story about Adric. I want to know more.”

He sucks in his lip ring before lying down beside me and placing his hands beneath his head, mirroring me. “There was this time that we went to Riley’s house looking for him. His mom told us he would be home any minute.” He stops when he notices me smiling.

“You mean, horny Mrs. Sexton?”

“Hey, do you want the story or not?” he asks with a playful grin.

I cover my mouth and laugh. “I’m sorry. Please continue.”

He looks over toward Adric’s grave. “I love you man. Sorry for this.” He puts his fist in the air as if giving Adric a fist pound. That was always their thing in the past. Every time they greeted or departed, it was always with a fist pound. My eyes water as he turns his head up to the sky.

“Well anyways. We went inside with the false pretense that Riley would be home soon. She kept serving us snacks and sips of wine, until finally she started hitting on Adric. He just sat there, red faced and stunned as she started giving him a lap dance, shredding her clothes. I had to save him from her when she started stripping his damn clothes off. We had to run out the door with his pants half up and half down. He had nightmares for days.”

I roll over in a fetal position and laugh harder than I’ve laughed in years, tears streaming down my face. I had no idea that Adric was a victim of Mrs. Sexton's cradle robbing sex games. Riley stopped taking his friends home when they hit puberty. Everyone knows her and everyone stays away from her. She is built like a beast just ready to tear some innocent man apart and sink her teeth into him. I don’t even remember the last time she’s been on a date. She’s pretty intimidating.

“Holy crap! That’s why he woke up screaming ‘someone tame the wild beast’. I always wondered about that.”

We both just lay there sharing stories and laughing until it starts getting dark. I have no idea how long we have been here, but it has to be well past seven by now.

I sit up and scoot towards the head stone of Adric’s grave. I place my hand on the music note and lay my head down on the grass, approximately where his head and chest lies six feet under. I know it sounds crazy, but I used to lay my head on his chest at night listening to him tell stories when mom and dad were fighting. “Adi, what I wouldn’t give to have you here with me. To see your smile and hear your laugh. I miss listening to you play the guitar while I fall asleep. You will always be the biggest part of me because you helped me grow and turn into the person that I am today. You helped me through the roughest of times and even put my happiness before yours. I remember you staying home from parties to take me trick or treating or when I got a bit older, dragging me along to them and telling everyone that if they served me alcohol that you would hurt them. You sacrificed so much for me and I would sacrifice my world just to have you back. You never did have much of a childhood and I know that now. Take care up there. I love you.”

I stand up and look beside me at Kellan. He looks a little shaken up and his eyes are wet. He leans in and runs his finger under my eye, wiping away the fallen tear. “It’s okay to cry and it’s okay to miss him. I miss him every single day and not a day goes by that I don’t wish I could change the past. There are a lot of things I would do differently. Trust me, you have no idea. All we can do is keep the good memories alive. Like we did today. As long as his memories are alive, then he’s still here with us. It’s when we stop remembering that he’s gone. Let’s not let that happen.”

I nod my head and bury my face in the comfort of his chest. That’s when I let it go. Everything that I have been holding in for years. The pain, the hurt and the guilt that I have forced upon myself. I cry so hard that my body is convulsing and I can barely stand on my feet, but Kellan just grips me tighter and presses his lips into my hair.

“It’s okay, baby girl. It’s okay to let it out.” I feel a tear fall on the top of my head and that’s when I know that I’m not alone. Kellan has just as much love for Adric that I do. The feeling makes me happy. So happy that I find myself smiling through the tears.

I pull away from his chest and I can see that I managed to leave mascara marks on the top of his chest. I can imagine it’s all over his shirt as well, but can’t tell because of the dark color. I must look like a total mess. “Are you ready? We should go.” I wipe at my eyes and he gives me a small smile.

“Yeah, sure. Can I take you one more place? I have something I want to share with you tonight, but you have to trust me.”