This Regret

“Wait a minute,” I try verbally stopping her, but fail.

She starts to walk away, but then stops to look over at the stage. When Kellan looks her way, she raises her head, smiles and grips her purse tighter before quickly walking out the door.

Kellan watches with flared nostrils, looking broken and pained before his eyes meet mine and then the ground.

Who was that girl? She was obviously friends with Adric and knew Kellan. Could someone else really still be this torn over Adric's death as Kellan and I are after eight years?

When I look behind me, Kade is leaning against the bar staring off into nowhere. He has a glass in his hand he just keeps wiping down with a towel even though it’s already dry. He sees me watching him from the corner of his eye so he sets the glass down behind him. “I guess someone’s been doing a little practicing.”

I look up at Kellan and notice he’s watching us. His eyes are intense as he sings the last note, causing my stomach to twist into knots. Knots I’m not so sure I can undo later. “Yeah, so it appears.”

Everyone in the bar starts clapping, screaming and whistling as Kellan sets his guitar down and stands up. Even with all the attention on him, his attention seems to be on me as he jumps off the stage and heads over toward the bar.

Kade and I both just stand there and watch, stunned speechless from the pained expression on Kellan’s face. He looks as if his best friend has just died. It may not be fresh, but the pain clearly still is, like when someone rips open an old wound.

“Kellan, that was amazing,” I say, swallowing back my wild emotions. “I had no idea you could sing like that.”

“Yeah, that wasn’t total shit, I guess,” Kade mumbles. “It still wasn’t as good as Adric, but it’s a shit ton better than that howling you used to do when we were kids.”

I expect Kellan to flip out and give Kade a piece of his mind, but instead, he smiles and takes a seat at the bar. “Oh, I still howl. My howling’s just gotten better.” He looks up at Kade with a look of confidence. “Most women don’t complain.”

I swallow the lump in my throat and start wiping down the bar to keep busy. The last thing I want to think about is him with other women.

* * *

Come closing time, Kellan sticks around to help, even though Kade is trying everything he can to get rid of him. Finally, Kade just gives up and decides to keep his distance on the other side of the bar. Kellan is a hard one to get rid of if he doesn’t want to leave. He’s always been that way.

Just when we’re about to turn off the lights and lock up, Kade tosses his phone down in front of him and runs his tongue over his teeth. “Well, I’m sure you two can manage to finish up here. You don’t need me. I have to get going.” He gives Kellan a stone cold look as if he doesn’t trust him being here, before swiping up his phone, glancing over at me and heading out the door without another word.

I look over at Kellan briefly before making my way over to turn off the lights. “Thanks for sticking around.” I switch off the last light and lean against the wall. “And thanks for playing on stage for us. It was . . .”

He slowly walks toward me, his eyes watching my lips. “What?” he whispers. “What was it? Tell me.”

I look into his eyes as he stops right in front of me and grabs my hips, running his hands up my body. Why can’t I seem to breathe when he touches me? I’m going to pass out like a damned teenage girl. “It was beautiful, powerful and absolutely stunning. It was all of those things and more.”

He smiles, flashing me those sexy dimples before spreading my legs with his knee and pressing his thigh between my legs. Then he presses his body against mine and runs his hands up my arms before cupping my face in his hands. “So are you.” He sucks my bottom lip into his mouth and then releases it. “I haven’t stopped thinking about touching you. You’re doing something to me that I don’t understand. I think I want you.” He pauses to run his tongue up my lips. “But I feel like I can’t have you. Like I shouldn’t have you.”

“Why can’t you,” I ask in a whisper. “Why shouldn’t you?” I want answers. I need answers.

He runs his finger over my lips, breathing heavily before both of his hands slam into the wall so his arms are on either sides of my waist. His breath is on my lips, teasing me. His stiffness is pressed against my belly and all I want do is scream for him to take me again, here and now. Please take me!

He speaks against my lips, giving me goose bumps. “Because of mistakes I’ve made. Because of who I am now. The worst part of it is . . . I don’t want anyone else to have you but me.” He bites his bottom lip before sucking the ring into his mouth. He looks torn, as if he has much more to say but knows he shouldn’t. “Let me walk you to your car. I have somewhere important to go. Is that okay, Phoenix?”

Catching my breath, I nod my head and let him lead me outside and to my car. He places his hand on the small of my back and opens the door for me to get in. “Remember, if you need anything,” his eyes wander over every inch of my face as if he’s trying to memorize it, “Call me, okay? Goodnight.”

I nod my head. “Yeah, Kellan. I will.” I smile as he backs up and closes the door for me. “Goodnight,” I whisper.

I sit in the parking lot for a good ten minutes after Kellan’s truck is gone. I finally find the courage to head to my next destination. It’s technically not Adric’s birthday anymore, but we always celebrated it on the sixth because six was Adric’s favorite number. He was weird like that, but I loved him for it.

I make my way through the dark and over to his headstone. Before I even get there, I can already see the flowers that my mother and Zoe must have brought earlier in the day. They are beautiful and almost make me want to cry. The truth is, Adric never wanted anything for his birthday. Every time I would ask him what to get him, he would say, “Just get me some new pencils for my drawings. Those damn things always break on me,” and I would laugh and pull a pencil from out of my back pocket because I already knew without asking, what he would say.

I kneel down in front of his headstone and place one hand on the ground between my knees and the other against the marble. “Happy birthday. Well, sort of. I miss you even though I just talked to you the other day.” A tear runs down my cheek and I wipe at it with my free hand. “Strange, huh? I guess you already heard, but Kellan told me some pretty funny stuff the last time I was here. I haven’t laughed like that in years. Not since . . . you left me. I miss those days. Isn't it funny how we take advantage of it until we no longer have the option to have it anymore?”