This Regret

It takes a few seconds to regain control, but when I do, I get it. I get what he's saying. It wasn't an accident. “So you're saying you knew Adric was going to overdose?" I grip the sheet tighter, not believing what I'm hearing. "He did it on purpose." It's more of a statement than a question and it scares the hell out of me. "Why! Why would he do that? Why didn't I know something was wrong? I don't understand. I need to understand! "

Pushing away from the dresser, Kellan stares at me with hurt eyes. He looks as if he wants to come to me, but stops before shoving the dresser over, smashing it into the wall. He drops down in a crouching position with his head in his hands, defeated. "I f**king hate myself every day for not being there. It's my fault because I knew he had a problem and I'll never forgive myself. I should have told someone, but I promised him it was our secret. He didn't want you to have to deal with anything and that's what would happen if anyone knew. He said you were just a kid and needed to do the shit normal kids do. Don't you worry, though. It's buried so far into my brain, it's suffocating me."

Tears stream down his face as he grips his hair and spreads his knees apart, holding his arms bent at the elbow, between them. "It's my f**king fault! He depended on me to keep his sanity and I let him down. I failed him and in turn his family. My family." His shoulders slump as his body jerks with sobs. He's not just crying now, he's bawling and my heart aches to take away those tears. "I'm sorry. I'm so f**king sorry. I would take his place if I could. I would save you from all this hurt you've gone through over the last eight years. He was a better person that me. He deserves to be here. Not me."

I find myself crying with him. Not just for Adric but for him as well. I can't stand to see him beat himself up. I want answers, but not like this. Not if it causes him this much pain. I run over to him and grip his face in my hands, pulling him up to his feet. He grips my arms and looks at me through wet eyelashes. "Stop it, Kellan. I can't take seeing you this way. I love you too much. I love you. Please stop," I plead. "Please."

His eyes close and he tilts his head back as more tears fall down his face. His eyes are red and his skin splotchy. I watch him, not moving a muscle. When he opens his eyes, he reaches out and wipes away my tears. "I'll tell you what I can. You deserve to know the truth." He picks me up and carries me to the bed, setting me down on the edge beside him. "This is going to hurt, but it's the truth. Adric had a lot of demons. He hid them the best he knew how and I did my best to protect him. If you hate me after this, then I'll just have to live with it."

I place my hand on his knee and squeeze to show him I'm ready.

"I was helping a friend move when I got a call from Adric. He was hysterical. He was screaming and crying. I tried to calm him down." He takes a deep breath before continuing. "He said he couldn't take it anymore and the baggy full of pills in front of him was getting smaller by the minute. He said he couldn't stop. That they were taking away the pain. He kept repeating it over and over as if he didn't think I got the point. That's how I knew he was already high off the pills.”

“I jumped in my car and took off, driving a hell of a lot faster than I should have. I was a good fifteen minutes away, so I tried keeping him on the phone for as long as I could. He announced every pill as he popped another into his mouth. He just kept on going and going and I just kept on pleading with him to stop. He just ignored my pleas and kept rambling. Stuff about how everyone was better off without him and that he would never amount to anything. He said the pain finally consumed him and he couldn't house it anymore. That he just needed to be free, to be relieved from the pain. When I got just a few blocks away from your house, the last thing I heard was 'tell them I love them, I love you bro' and then I heard the phone drop to the ground. I panicked and I stomped on the gas losing control. My car hit a tree and I blacked out for a few minutes. As soon as I woke up, I jumped out of the car and ran to the house as fast as I could. That's how I got this scar." He touches his eyebrow and closes his eye. It's a line that begins at his forehead and runs through his eyebrow, stopping above his eye socket.

I reach out and trace my fingers over it, both of us gripping onto each other. It hurts so much and I don't want to see him hurt, but I want to hear more. I need to hear more as much as it hurts. I squeeze his leg again and tell him to continue. "Go on," I choke out.

He leans his head back, running his hands down his face. "I burst through the door and ran up to the attic, but it was too late. He was on the ground with the phone lying on the ground beside him. I dropped down to my knees and placed my ear to his chest, only to realize it was silent. There was no heartbeat. His body was already starting to look . . . dead. He didn't look like the Adric I knew. I started balling like a f**kin' baby, shaking him, in denial. He couldn't be gone. I called 911 and held him in my arms, trying to wake him up. When I realized there wasn't a pulse returning to his lifeless body, I freaked out. I knew I had lost him and it killed me. He finally did it, went through with it. He finally took the permanent escape. The pills no longer satisfied and numbed the pain. Then the anger took over and I trashed his room. I was so mad. Mad at him. Mad at myself. Mad at the world. I was furious. I couldn't believe he could do that.”

“He must have been working on those pills all day for them to take him that fast and I had no idea what he was even doing. I was f**king oblivious that he spent the whole damn night suffering. I wanted answers. Before I left, I grabbed the most important things to him to keep them safe. He told me if anything ever happened to him to keep his family, his drawings and his guitar safe. I didn't understand at the time what he meant by if something happened to him, but right then it all made sense. He had been thinking about it for a while. The Harley was already over at a friend’s house where we were working on it, so I took that when I left as well."

I place both of my hands to my face and sob. I can't imagine what Adric went through his last moments of life. He was alone. No one was there to hold him. I wish I would have stayed home. I should have refused to go without the boys. Especially knowing now that he did it knowingly. He wanted to die and I never saw the signs. He was so good at hiding them. I didn't realize his life was so hard. Sure, my dad was always gone and my mom emotionally checked out, leaving mine and Zoe's well-being in his hands, but I thought he knew that one day he'd be free. He had dreams. Dreams bigger than anyone else I knew.