This Regret

I run up the steps, open the door to the porch and shove the key into the lock. I turn it slowly, not wanting to alert Rayne and have her think someone's trying to break in. The last thing I need is to have her take a chunk out of my butt on the way to find Kellan; although, maybe the pain would be enough to overpower this emotional torture. If not, then I don't know what is.

I slowly open the door and say Kellan's name, to give quick warning before entering. When there's no answer, I shut the door behind me and call his name again; still no answer and no sign of Rayne. The house is a total wreck with things broken all around, even the TV.

My heart starts pounding as I walk through every room in the house, expecting to see Kellan pop up out of nowhere, telling me this is some kind of joke. After searching every room but his, I take a long deep breath before entering his bedroom.

That too, is empty. Leaning against the door, I let it close behind me as I start to cry. He's gone. He's really gone. Why was I so stupid? Why didn’t I just stay like he asked when I had the chance? Grabbing the closest thing to me, I throw it across the room, choking back a sob. After panting for a moment, I grab some kind of candle or something and toss that too, along with a few other items.

Through blurred vision, I can hardly see, but my hand stops frozen on a picture frame as I grip it in my hands. There's no glass in it, as if it's already been broken once and the glass never replaced. I wipe at my eyes frantically while trying to focus my attention on the two boys in front of me. It's a picture of Kellan and Adric by the pool. Kellan has Adric in a headlock, Adric struggling to look at the camera and they both appear to be laughing.

The tears come even harder now as I take in their beautiful smiles. They looked so happy. Why couldn't things stay that way? Nothing will ever be the same. Now, I've lost them both, again.

After staring at the picture for a while, I pull myself together enough to look in the closest for Adric's old guitar. I find it hiding in the back, behind some unpacked boxes that Kellan must have not needed enough to unpack. As I pick it up, and pull it to me, I hear what sounds like something rattling inside of it. Taking a deep breath and holding it, I reach inside the guitar and pull out a piece of paper. I hold it up with trembling hands and read it, my heart racing with adrenaline.

I had to leave, but know I would stay with you forever if I had a choice. I didn't, so I'm gone. I’m sorry we had to say goodbye the way we did. It wasn’t the way I had intended. None of this was. Just know that I have done some things I’m not proud of and in turn can’t be with you. It's in your best interest, trust me. I want you to take the key Tyler gave you and stay at my place as long as you want; it's yours. Sorry it's a mess. I let my anger get the best of me. You, your mom and Zoe can live here. It's already paid for. One thing you have to know is, letting you walk out that door was the hardest thing, besides losing Adric, I've ever had to deal with. Losing Adric was my biggest regret and losing you is my second. Don't live your life in regret. You're the greatest thing that's ever happened to Adric, Zoe and myself. Stay strong and keep Adric's things safe. I’m giving them to you. What I'm about to say is the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do aside from leaving you. Forget about me and move on. Don't waste your time on something I could have never given you in the first place. You deserve the world and I could never give that to you as much as I wish I could. It’s time to face my demons now. Goodbye.

xx Kellan Haze xx

I drop the letter and fall to my knees, with my hand pressed to my mouth. The sobs choke out of me as I grip the carpet, fighting to catch my breath. He's never coming back. I ran him off, just like I knew would happen. I did this. I f**king did this!

Somehow feeling as if to call him will bring him back, I fish my phone out of my pocket and scroll through my contacts, stopping on his name. I tap the screen and place the phone to my ear, but it doesn't ring. The number has been disconnected. My one and only hope in ever talking to Kellan again is gone, with something as simple as a damn disconnected number, just as the time before when he left. The familiar feeling leaves me feeling sick and helpless.

I need to get out of here. I need to breathe. I'm not even sure of where I'm going until I pull up behind the tattoo shop, shutting off my car.

Numbly, I climb out of my car. I have Adric’s guitar strapped around my neck, hanging down my back as I walk over to the rusted up ladder that Kellan had taken me up before. I stare at it, my vision blurring as I take a step forward and grip the bar with one hand. It feels rough against my skin, reminding me that I'm alone with no one to catch me. My whole body shakes and I look up the ladder that seems so high from where I stand. My eyes blur as I step onto the first rung.

Without letting my fear become too strong and break me, I climb up as steady as I can. I can’t see with all the tears blurring my vision and halfway up the ladder my foot slips. I begin to panic and cry harder as I hold on by only my two hands. I’m scared. Trying not to look down, I finally get my foot back on the rung of the ladder and continue upward until I get close to the top of the building before climbing over the top. Breathing heavily with watery eyes, I let the tears fall at the realization I could have fallen. It’s not so simple without Kellan here guiding me. My heart is racing so fast, it feels as if I've just run a marathon. A flood of relief runs through me and I’m thankful that I made it to the top without plummeting to my death. That would be a horrible way to go. I had to come here. There was no other option. This is all of Kellan I have left. Our spot.

Looking around, I notice the blanket sitting off toward the back in the same spot it had been before. My heart stops and my breath catches in my throat as the overwhelming feeling of the memories on that blanket come to mind. That was the first night I felt as if Kellan saw me as a woman and not just as Adric's sister. The moment I thought we could be something more. I couldn't have been more wrong.

I walk over to it and sit with the guitar in my lap.

I sit there for hours, leaning against the wall crying, my tears soaking the top of my shirt, numb to the world. An empty shell of myself longing for the one thing I'll never have as mine. The one and only thing I've wanted since the first day I laid eyes on Kellan: his love.

I hear my phone go off a few times, but I silence it not wanting to talk to anyone. I can't. I can barely even breathe right now. In this moment, I just want to remember being here with Kellan. This was the first place of his he brought me to and I'll never forget the way my heart rattled in my chest as he helped me up to the top. I was terrified, yet felt so safe having him next to me.