This Regret

There's hesitation before she says, "I hate to ask you this right now, but where is Kellan?" I hear a smile in her voice and a little hope. "I have something to show him."

She pulls away waiting for an answer, but I don't want to give one. Just the sound of his name is enough to make me want to puke. It feels as if I've just been punched in the stomach and I can't catch my breath. This is exactly why I've been avoiding people. So I can avoid the mention of his name around town. I don’t want to have to answer questions. It’s like ripping open an old wound. The scar is still there and will always be, but you don’t want to have to tell the story of how it got there over and over.

"He's gone," I whisper, my face moist with fresh tears, I can't seem to stop.

Standing up, Zoe grabs her notebook and clutches it to her chest. She looks worried and she should be. "What do you mean, he's gone?"

I bring my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around them, squeezing. I stare down at the bed to avoid her questioning gaze. "He's never coming back, Zoe. He took off again."

I peek up at her and she quickly turns away as if she's just figured out why I'm such a mess. She looks almost angry . . . disappointed. "Yeah, well you better get yourself out of bed and get back to the real world. Don't be like mother. People are always going to disappoint you, Phoenix. You only give them the power if you let it change your life." She stomps toward the door and tosses her notebook in the trash before giving me a saddened look. "You're not the only that needed him, you know."

The door slams closed behind her and I just sit there, staring at it as if I expect her to come back in and tell me what she meant. She doesn't, of course.

Needing something to get me out of this slump, I walk over to the trash and dig out her notebook. I know what she and Kellan were working on and I'm curious to see just how far she's taken it. What I find in it, surprises me. There is not only one, but four poems written out.

I find myself flipping to the front and reading the beauty of her words, them making me teary-eyed. It doesn't take long before I smile a real smile for the first time since losing Kellan and finding myself in that old man's yard. Maybe I'm not as lost as I thought. I can't go on this way anymore. There are people that need me. Zoe needs me.

Lifting Kellan’s shirt, I run my fingers over the beautiful peacock and feel happiness mixed with sadness. Happiness knowing I have a piece of Adric with me and sadness, knowing I also have a piece of Kellan. The only piece left of them both. I need to be strong, not only for Zoe, but for Adric.

* * *

It's now been twelve days since Kellan left town and I've been finding myself more active with the outside world. Just the other day, I took my mom and Zoe out to dinner and then we stopped by Adric's grave. It was the first time that we've all gone together. I've never seen my mom cry or laugh so much. We sat around for hours sharing stories with Zoe and she was surprised to see how much her and Adric were alike. Being there with them made me happy and made me realize just how much I'd been missing over the years by going by myself. We felt like a family for the first time in forever.

Then, just yesterday, Jen invited me over to have dinner with her, Jax and Tyler. I have to admit, it was cute seeing them together. If I didn't know any better, I would think Tyler was Jax's dad. He is so good with him. They are so natural together and I can tell Jax loves him. I know Jen and Tyler have a thing for each other, but neither of them seem to want to tell the other. The way Tyler looked at Jen made even my heart skip a beat. That boy has it bad, but I have a feeling he's trying to be as respectful as possible, knowing what Jen's been through over the years. I don't blame him. He's smart for taking it slow and I hope they end up together.

I've been hearing from Kade more and more as the days go on, him wanting me to come to his apartment or meet him at the bar, but I can't. I just don't feel right, knowing what Kade wants from me, so I'm trying to keep my distance and things completely platonic. Even though he says he's happy Kellan finally left, I can see a sadness in his eyes when he thinks I'm not paying attention. I haven't seen or spoken to Nancy since Kellan left, but Kade said she's devastated. I think she keeps to herself a lot. Her son has left again; I can only imagine it hurts for her a hell of a lot more than it does for me. I want to talk to Nancy about it, but I have no idea what to say. No one but Kellan knows that I've told him I love him. Kade and Jen only know so much. I'm not ready to tell anyone else yet. It's something I'll just keep to myself for now.

* * *

Today makes two weeks exactly since Kellan has left. It's taken me a while to make this decision, but as I weave my way through the path of trees, I find myself getting nervous as I get closer and closer to the secret spot that we played at as children. Eight years is long enough. It's time I stop pushing my feelings deep in the banks of my memory and remember the good times just like Kellan said. Adric needs to be remembered instead of shunned away no matter how much it hurts. Maybe the pain would heal if I would let it go instead of harboring it deep inside.

The smell of fresh summer air, leaves and grass hit me hard, making my eyes water. I used to love the smell and I would hang out here for hours just breathing it all in. After the day Kade found me here, I promised myself I'd never come back. I told myself this was our place and if we couldn't all be here to share it, then I didn't want to be a part of it anymore. I was weak. I don't want to be weak anymore. I need to stand on my own.

As soon as the yellow tree house comes into view, a pain aches in my chest. I grab it, taking a deep breath. A mixture of emotions flood through me: sadness, happiness, anxiousness. I don't know how I feel, honestly. I almost feel like running, but my feet feel heavy as if they're stuck in wet cement. I need to do this. It's been long enough.

The old worn out rope ladder that dangles at the front, swings side by side catching my attention as I keep walking, getting closer. There's no wind. It's a calm day and I can't help but to think someone has been here recently. I let hope overpower any rational thoughts, thinking maybe Kellan has been here. Maybe just maybe . . . he didn't leave after all. I haven't been back to his house because I've been too chicken shit to face it. Is it possible he's been home the whole time? I never did get the chance to apologize. That could explain him being here without calling me.