Fall by Winter

“I don’t want to rush anything, but yes. That’s what I ultimately want.”

I drummed my fingers across my lips, silencing a dormant part of me that screamed in her best love-sick, fangirl voice. At the same time…the fatigue grew heavier. There was a sliver of hopelessness too, and it made me misty-eyed because I didn’t want to feel that way.

“I joke sometimes,” I murmured, clearing my throat, “that I gave William my best years. But it’s sort of true. Even though I’m happier than I’ve been in over a decade, I’m so freaking tired. I’m wrung out mentally.”

Mason gathered my hand in his and brought it to his lap. “I talked to him about your marriage when I came up in September. Something had been bothering me since I heard you were getting divorced, and I figured it was best to just confront him.”

I knitted my brows. “What—”

“That he cheated on you right before you separated,” he stated.

I withdrew my hand and instantly became guarded. “Mason, he did everything he could. He was depressed for years—he absolutely hated himself. Because he felt he was failing us. Because he felt he couldn’t be what we needed, what the kids and I needed.” I took a breath and let the memories wash over me. “You weren’t there. You didn’t see him. He walked around like a zombie. He once—” Fuck. That one sliced right through me. “I caught him once. He was holding a gun—and I could see… He was really thinking about it. He was contemplating putting that gun to his head and pulling the trigger.”

Mason winced and averted his gaze.

“These bouts came and went over several years,” I went on. “He wasn’t at a low point to the same degree before we separated, but he was heading that way. And that was when Kelly moved back to Camassia—when William was beyond weak and desperate. Now, I’m not excusing his behavior. He shouldn’t have fallen into Kelly’s arms or whatever—but I am accepting that life sometimes fucks us over and deals us a hand we can’t play fairly. He came clean to me right after, and he said we were getting divorced.”

Mason nodded with a dip of his chin and absently cracked his knuckles. “I know all this, Lis. But he didn’t wrap things up quite so nicely—in his favor.”

“I’m not surprised. He’s been blaming himself for everything. But the truth is, he and I had been over for a long time already. I did everything for him. I made sure he ate, I made sure he got dressed in the morning, I reminded him to brush his teeth and take his medication. Kelly returning to William’s life was just the final nail in the coffin.” I swallowed and twisted my hands in my lap. “Luckily, it wasn’t a real coffin. I’m so incredibly relieved—and happy—that he’s gotten a new forever with Kelly. Because I can still have my friend, and the kids have their father back. I don’t want to think what would’ve happened if we hadn’t ended our marriage when we did.”

I remembered a few weeks ago, William had called to tell me he was now on his lowest dose of antidepressants in seven years. Had we stayed together, maybe there wouldn’t have been a call at all.

“I’m not saying I handled everything with grace two years ago,” I added. “I was angry with him on and off for months. I was bitter and hurt, and I said some vicious things to him.” I paused. “I never told you he cheated, though. Did he tell you that himself?”

Mason shook his head, eyes on his hands. He was tracing his thumb over the faint line where he’d once had his wedding ring.

“Didn’t take a genius to figure out.” He cleared his throat. “I knew he was ill, and then, out of the blue, you two were getting divorced because he’d met someone new.”

I nodded slowly. It made sense.

“I’ve missed him a lot over the years,” he continued. “At the same time, I couldn’t be too close. I knew from the moment you and I met that if I didn’t keep my distance, there’d be problems.”

I sat up straighter, realizing he was finally going to talk. He wasn’t going to wait until we had dinner together.

“Do you remember the day we met?” he asked me.

I bit my lip, thinking back. I couldn’t say the memory was very clear. We’d come home from school in Chicago to visit their parents, back when they still lived here. Mason had flown in to visit too, and he’d brought his wife and Tristan.

“Was it for Thanksgiving?” I wondered.

He inclined his head. “You’d just gotten out of the car. Pop had picked you two up at the airport, and you threw a snowball at Will.”

I chuckled. I didn’t remember that part. “I can’t imagine him reacting well to that. He’s never been the playful type.”