Fall by Winter

“That’s the thing. He’s not. But you are,” he said. “That entire weekend, I tried to figure you two out. I wondered what the fuck my mellow kid brother was doing with a wild soul like you.” It wasn’t the first time he’d indicated I was wild, something that felt strange. I wasn’t wild. “There had to be something, though. He was over the moon, and you only had eyes for him.”

I smiled slightly, a bit sheepish. “He grounded me. I was a mess in high school. Got into heaps of trouble.”

He nodded. “See, that one makes sense. I buy that. But it still came as a surprise the following year when I got a wedding invitation in the mail. I didn’t think you’d make it that far.”

In retrospect, I could see it. Our love had been real, but not permanent. “We were what we needed at the time, Mason. I think that’s why. I needed someone to calm me down, and he needed someone who stole his attention from his demons. You have to remember, he was going through rough times even back then. Your parents…”

Mason nodded grimly. “If I’d known they’d made him feel like shit for being into guys too, I would’ve said something.”

“Same here. I didn’t know either. He buried all that.” I shrugged. “But you see? I became the playful girl he fell for, albeit temporarily. He went all in. He worked so hard to create our family, with me at the center. He took the initiative on everything. Marriage, first kid, house, second kid…”

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, then eyed me with doubt clouding his gaze. “And you think you gave him your best years?”

“In terms of energy,” I clarified. “I could take more hits back then. I could take care of the kids, including William, and still want to go out on Saturday. I was stronger and more confident. Now…” I blew out a breath and tried to sort through my thoughts. “I don’t know. I feel a little like damaged goods, to be honest.” I smirked in an attempt to lighten the tension, but I wasn’t sure Mason bought it. “William was never the love of my life. I never had that feeling about him, that…certainty. But I loved him very much, and I gave him all I had. And in return…” I gestured vaguely around me, indicating where all that love had brought me. To here.

The reality of things hit me a little too hard right then and there, and I averted my gaze to my lap. I felt like an idiot. I was lonely, yet too tired to fight for something where I might end up feeling the opposite of lonely.

“I’m sorry, Mason.” Oh God, I could sense the floodgates opening any minute, and I didn’t want him here for that. There was a pressure on my chest, my throat felt like it was about to close up, and the stinging had started in my eyes. “I can’t go through all that again. Fuck.” There I went. I covered my face with my hands and screwed my eyes shut. “Can I please have a moment?”

“Ah, no. I don’t think so, darlin’.” He shifted closer and wrapped his arms around me, and that did it. I couldn’t hold back anymore. The first sob racked my body. “You’ve been put through the wringer, haven’t you?”

I couldn’t respond. I felt utterly weak, and all the barriers just fucking broke. I managed to keep from snot-sobbing all over him, but I still cried. I cried for the loss of myself.

“I reckon my conflicted days aren’t over yet,” he murmured. “I told Will at the church on the day you two got married that if he ever broke your heart, I’d make sure he knew what a fucking idiot he was.”

“Wh-what—”

“I also told him someone better might take his place.”

I sniffled and whimpered and wiped fruitlessly at my cheeks. “Did you really?”

“I know that was over the line, but I wasn’t always this smart.” He tested a little smirk and wiped a tear from my cheek. “You have to feel this between us, baby. You said you’d heard those warning bells, right?”

I nodded and hiccupped around a low sob.

“Because, I think…” He sighed quietly and pressed a kiss to the top of my hand. “I think I was always on my way to you. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew I just had to wait until we were both ready—”

“Oh my God, you have to stop talking,” I cried. “You’re saying all the right things, and you’re making it fucking impossible to stop weeping.” I couldn’t explain what was going through my mind—or happening to my body. “I’m not usually like this.” Usually I waited until I was alone before I cried. Mason was fucking with my head. It scared the life out of me. My chest felt tight, yet my heart pounded on a wave of hope and longing and joy—joy I hadn’t experienced in…well, this type of joy… Ever. Ever.