Wrong For Me

I squeeze my eyes shut and then spin, quickly dipping to grip Marissa by the backs of her legs so that I can lift her.

She stares a moment, but when she feels my hard-on against her, she smirks and sinks her hands into my hair.

She doesn’t need to know she didn’t put it there.

“Stop talking, Marissa.”

“With pleasure, baby.”Chapter Twenty-TwoOakleyI hang up, blinking quickly to hide my frustration—or maybe it’s disappointment. I can’t seem to tell the two apart anymore.

Aside from Rowan, Havannah has been my best friend for years, yet she couldn’t even make it out for the memorial. She said her school wouldn’t give her a pass since he wasn’t family, so she couldn’t come, but the Havannah I knew would have come, no matter what.

When she video called me just now, I almost didn’t answer, but I needed to see her even if only through a screen. She looked as shitty as I probably did.

She was detached and short. She hardly looked me in the eyes—probably because she knew she should have been here and wasn’t. That, and guilt from letting two weeks pass after my dad’s death before picking up the phone to call me. Her text doesn’t count, not when I’m used to talking to her every day.

Rowan said I should have waited until my dad’s ashes were ready to have a ceremony, but I couldn’t. Waiting for a piece of him felt like waiting for him, and I needed reality to set in faster. This seemed like the way to go.

It was quiet and simple with a small prayer given by Hillock beside the river he used to take me fishing at as a kid. I kept it small, choosing not to announce it to the outside world but keeping it within his Blaze family.

It was exactly what he’d have wanted, only an easy fifty years too soon.

Tears hit my eyes again, and I toss my phone to the grass, dropping my head against the old tree I’ve climbed at least a hundred times.

“Everyone’s gone home.”

When I don’t respond, he lightly pushes my phone with his shoe.

“Was that Havannah?”

I nod, closing my eyes.

His shoulder hits mine as he plants himself beside me. He doesn’t say anything, knowing I can’t take much more talking today.

The wind blows then, and the smell of the bonfire we built in my dad’s name hits my nostrils. My body starts to shake.

Rowan shifts me, so I’m cradled against him, and I tuck into his chest.

“It hurts, Rowan. I can’t do this.”

He slowly rubs my back, a deep exhale leaving him. “Yeah, you can, Oaks. You might not think so, but I know it. You’re strong.”

“But why do I always have to be?” I ask myself more than him.

It’s not that I want to be weak, but I want someone else to be strong for me every now and again. Someone to help carry my burdens.

Someone bold and built of resilience.

Someone who belongs to someone else.

I shift, dropping my forehead to his. “I feel like I’m losing. Every day, I feel … emptier. More out of place, like a fraud in my own skin. It’s not fair.”

Rowan’s hands find my cheeks then, and he holds me there, his eyes on mine. “It’s going to be hard sometimes, days like today more than others, but you will be okay. You’ll get past this. And, you’re right; it’s not fair, but sometimes, it’s not supposed to be,” he whispers. “Sometimes, our biggest challenges are our strongest moments of growth; it’s when our true person shows, and the world gets to see what we’re made of.”

I pull back a little so I can see him better, and he smiles softly.

“Show the world who you are, Oakley. Strong, brave …” He trails off as he tucks my hair behind my ear, his eyes sliding back to mine when he whispers, “Beautiful. Hold on to those things.”

“What if I can’t?” I whisper, moisture building in my eyes. “What if it’s all too much to take on my own?”

“You’re not on your own.” He runs his knuckles across my cheek, and I reach up to grip his wrist, holding him there. “I’m here.”

“You’re here, Row, but …”

He tips his chin, letting me know it’s okay. “But it’s not the same?”

I shake my head.

Rowan takes a deep breath, his voice hardly a heard whisper. “If I ask you something, will you tell me the truth?”

I swallow, nodding.

“If I loved you the way you deserved, when you wanted me to, before he came, would you still have fallen for him?”

The muscles around my heart tighten as I replay his words in my mind.

If Rowan had given himself to me like I wanted, without a doubt, everything I had would have been his to take. But would Alec have stolen the pieces of me right out from under him?