“So, you’re just going to quit before you even give me a chance? Before you even give yourself a chance?”
“You make it sound so bad.”
“Because it is!”
I shake my head again. I have to look away because if I keep looking at Raiden and keep seeing all the wounded pain on his face, I’m going to cave. I’m going to give in, and in the end, it’s just going to hurt both of us. I have to be tough now in order to save a lot of trouble for my future self.
Stay strong, Zoe. Don’t give in. Don’t get back in that bed like you want to. Life is too short to keep getting hurt over and over again.
“There are other things I want to do. I’ve never even told anyone about wanting to be a vet-tech before today, but I really do want to do it. If I’m talking about signs, I might as well use this whole thing as one. I kept putting more schooling off because I didn’t have the money and felt like I didn’t have the time, but I’ll find it. I’ll get loans, and I’ll make time because I’m giving my notice. And no, I’m not going to work for your competition. I was never really serious about that anyway. You know me. I couldn’t do evil things even if I tried.”
“I don’t know. This is pretty bad.”
I grind my teeth and curl my hands so that my nails dig into my palms. Raiden makes me sound a little bit like a monster, and I don’t like sounding like a monster. I don’t want to be a monster. I just know how this is going to end up, and of all the people in the world, I don’t want to hurt Raiden. The R he tattooed into my hip so long ago is practically throbbing. It was a promise—a promise that we’d stand by each other, but not like this. Neither of us could ever have foreseen this.
This just sucks.
“I know. I’m sorry. I should never have started this. I should never have let myself…uh…I’m just sorry. I’m really, really sorry. I can’t help that the universe hates me. Out of all the people in the world, I just can’t be with you and watch it go to shit and have us end up hating each other. I’d rather stop now while we still can because who knows? The signs might be real. Don’t mess around with nature. Nature is a cold, hard biotch.”
“One day,” Raiden sighs, “you’re going to have to learn how to use real swears.”
He used to say that when we were kids. He’s always said it. That’s part of the problem. This new adult Raiden is all tied up with the old one. The one who used to be my best friend. I don’t know how to explain it, even to myself. I just can’t take risks that would obliterate all those past, happy memories because they mean too much to me. I’ve already been through enough shit and been used so many times that I know nothing good can come from having a ton of money. It ruins people. Not that it’s ruined Raiden, but I think it might ruin us if we were together. He could literally have anyone and anything he wanted. I’m pretty sure he’d get bored with me, and I’m just so tired of being the one left behind.
“I don’t want to go fishing tomorrow,” I say softly, dropping my eyes to the floor. “I’m giving my notice. I just want to go home, for real. Right now.”
“Alright.”
“Alright?” My head jerks up.
“Yes. I’ll get you a ticket, and I’ll book it for tomorrow. Or tonight, if you want.”
“Are you serious?”
“Of course.” Raiden’s face looks so peaceful that it amazes me.
How can he look like that when I’m standing here and basically being a massive poopy pants? He’s way too nice, and he’s taking this far too well. I’d say it means he doesn’t care if I didn’t know better. And I do know better. Just because all the pain was replaced with something blank and kind of serene doesn’t mean he’s not hurting on the inside, where he doesn’t want me to see it.
“I’m not going to keep you here against your will,” Raiden says softly. “If you want to go home, I can’t stop you. I don’t want you to go, and I wish you’d give this a shot. I’d really like you to give it a shot. To give me a chance. Because I think I deserve one. I think we could be great like we used to be and then some. I think our parents would eventually come around. Everyone would because we’d rock as a couple. I just have this gut feeling, and I’ve trusted my gut over the years. It hasn’t steered me wrong yet. Okay, maybe a couple of times, but those were flukes, and I’ve learned from them. I also know what it’s like to be the one who gets left behind. I know what it’s like to get used. It sucks, big fucking time. I know where you’re coming from. I also know I can’t talk you into anything or change your mind. You’d have to do that for yourself. So, I’ll book you a ticket. But, if you do change your mind, you know where to find me.”