My mouth falls open so hard that my jaw creaks in protest.
“Are you for real?”
“Definitely. Why would I say I think we could be great if I’m not willing to give it a real shot? Sometimes, that means waiting, and sometimes it means hoping the universe will give a certain someone some opposite, positive signs.”
“You won’t wait. You have too much money and too much opportunity. There are too many other fishes in the sea.”
“People aren’t fish. And as for the money and opportunity, that’s true, but I’d rather share and do it with you. Then again, that’s me. You know how I feel. I’m not going to change my mind. I’ve already waited a lifetime for you, Zoe. There will never be anyone else like you. I was too young and dumb to realize it the first time around, but I’m not going to make the same mistake again. Now, I know I’m yours, and I know this is the real deal.”
“Please don’t say that. Don’t wait around until you’re old and ancient and then blame me for ruining your life.”
Raiden chuckles softly. It’s amazing he can do that at all because I feel like I’m about to shatter into a piss pile of tiny pieces.
“I won’t. By now, I’ve realized that sometimes, just being by yourself and waiting until you’re ready for the right person to come into your life is the best thing you can do. My life will have plenty of meaning if you don’t decide to change your mind. Sure, I’ll always wish you did, but it won’t stop me from living the best life I possibly can, even without you. Even with a broken heart.”
“Stop!”
Raiden grins at me, but I can tell it’s a little bit forced. He’s making an effort to try and make this easier for me, even if I don’t deserve it. I feel like I’ve been all over the place on this. I can’t just want someone and act this way and then panic and tell them I’m jumping ship. It’s seriously not cool. I don’t do this, I don’t act like this, and I certainly don’t let myself get carried away like this. I don’t let my passions or fears rule my life.
So why am I doing it now? The fallout feels heart-wrenchingly terrible.
Maybe I just need time. I’m not going to tell Raiden that, though, because giving him false hope would be worse than anything I’ve done so far, and I can’t do that to him. Not after everything else I’ve put him through.
“Would you really book me that ticket?”
“Yes. I’ll have it emailed to you in a few minutes.”
All I can do is stand there, hoping he can see this hurts me, too and that I really am grateful to him right now. I don’t deserve his kindness, and I kind of want to kick my own ass right now for my appalling lack of self-control and for being so thoughtless. That’s right. I can admit I suck, and maybe I can even do something to change that. Maybe. But I can’t make any promises because promises are even worse. They usually just get broken. Raiden and I already walked out of each other’s lives once. It could easily happen again, and this time, it wouldn’t be our parents driving us apart with their divorce. It would be our own fault, which would be so much worse.
I can’t stand here and sort through my deep-seated fears at the moment. I can’t sort through anything going on in my brain or even start to unpack the baggage, anger, pain, resentment, and bitterness I didn’t even know I had.
I don’t have anything else to say, so I just give Raiden a small, sad nod. “Thank you.” I do manage to get that out, at least.
He nods back.
I know. I’m a real winner. Some people aren’t the hero of their own stories. Some people are real, and real people have pasts. They have fears, feelings, and doubts, and they also have memories and crap that makes them who they are. Right, I should become a psychiatrist because I’m clearly good at examining my feelings. Or at shoving them down and pretending that they don’t exist. I’ve done that before too.
There isn’t anything more to do at the moment, so I turn and leave Raiden standing there with a pink floral sheet wrapped around his waist as he tries to fight off a sad expression, his eyes glistening with both hope and pain.
If I just broke him, I broke myself too, which isn’t any consolation. It’s just a fact that I can’t change.CHAPTER 18RaidenI know Zoe didn’t want me to do it. She would never have asked me for it, and she probably thinks it’s just another piss poor sign from the universe or whatever. My head told me I shouldn’t send her a cheque, but I went with my gut.