Not Meant To Be Broken

I wrapped my arms around myself. I wanted that, too.

I fought back the tears threatening to fall, and taking a deep breath I opened the door and left the car. I pressed my cat a bit tighter against my chest as I approached Brian and Dad. They were talking to another guy. He was even taller than Brian, who was already 6’1, and even more muscled. His dark hair was cut really short and he was wearing a BU sweatshirt. He must be Zachary, Brian's best friend.

A new wave of panic rushed over me but I forced my face into a neutral mask. They were watching me as if they expected me to have a hysteric break down any minute. At least, that’s what Dad’s and Brian’s expressions told me.

I wouldn't prove them right. I'd be strong for their sake, and maybe I'd even manage to pretend I was happy. It couldn't be that difficult.

I'd seen other people being happy. I could copy them. Dad kept telling me that I needed to be happy again or they would win. Deep down I knew that they had already won. They'd wanted to break me, and they'd broken me. They’d won, and that thought made living so much more unbearable. They’d won, and there was nothing I could do about it.

They had won.

Sighing quietly to myself, I took the last few steps toward Dad, Brian and Zachary.

CHAPTER TWO

Zachary

Brian and I had been waiting on the sidewalk for more than thirty minutes. Brian wanted to be there when his father and sister arrived. I didn’t get it. We would have seen them pull up from our kitchen window.

Brian rubbed his palms against his thighs, eyes glued to the street. It was no fucking wonder that he was cold in that ridiculous checkered button down shirt. My sweatshirt did a better job of keeping the cold at bay. He looked like he was going for the mother-in-law’s delight-look.

Brian cleared his throat. “Remember not to touch her and better don't go too close to her and--”

“And don't be alone in a room with her, I know, Brian. The words are practically burned into my ears,“ I said calmly. “I’ll be on my best behavior.” I patted his shoulder, feeling how tense he actually was.

His expression made it clear that my best behavior might not be enough. I'd never seen him so tense or anxious before. He was definitely more uptight than me, especially since we started law school a few weeks ago, but this was extreme. We’d been friends since our first year in college four years ago and we'd spent a shitload of time together. He was pretty much the only reason why I hadn’t dropped out of college in my first year to spite my father, or why I actually started law school. He worried more than I did but I'd never seen him like this.

Brian hadn’t told me all that much about his sister; he hardly ever spoke of her at all. It had taken more than a year of sharing an apartment until he’d finally told me that she’d experienced hell when she was only sixteen. Brian didn’t like to speak about what happened and he hadn't mentioned the word rape once.

After Brian’s constant words of warning, I was a bit worried about our new living arrangements, but not nearly as much as Brian. Of course we'd have to stop having parties in our apartment, at least the ones with girls and booze. We'd just have to hold them at Kevin’s and Bill’s place instead.

The sound of a car pulling into the street caught my attention; a black Jeep came to a halt about thirty feet from us and a man in his late forties got out. He walked toward Brian and pulled him into an embrace but that wasn’t what had my attention.

Brian’s sister pushed open the door and climbed out of the car, a black cat pressed to her chest. After hearing Brian talk about her, I’d expected her to be a shell, a shadow – someone your eyes passed over. I hadn't imagined her to be so beautiful. She had long wavy, caramel brown hair and pale skin, and was probably a head smaller than me. Her body was covered in an oversized hoodie and bootcut jeans. The most startling thing about her were her eyes. Huge, brown eyes. She looked like a deer, fearful, jumpy, ready to run at the slightest sign of danger.

I couldn't quite explain it, but I felt an overwhelming sense of protectiveness then. I wanted to keep her safe.

Amber

I stopped a few feet from Dad, Brian and Zachary, not sure what to say or do to make this less awkward. Dad shifted nervously, running his hand over his bald head, his eyes flitting between Brian and me. I met Brian's gaze and forced a smile. Maybe it would have been a real one of he and Dad weren’t watching me as if I was going to collapse at their feet any moment. After several heartbeats, Brian finally gave me a small smile but he didn’t try to move closer or even hug me. And his smile wasn’t the smile I remembered from when I was little or even from four years ago. He always seemed on the brink of a frown with me.

It had been two months since I’d last seen him. He’d cut his visit during the summer short and had instead spent three weeks in Mexico with a couple of friends. His friend Zachary had been one of them. I risked a quick glance at him. He hovered behind my dad and Brian, but regarded me over their heads. He was missing the caution and worry I usually saw reflected on the faces of people around me. He smiled in response to my scrutiny and I quickly looked away. Embarrassment crawled under my skin at my inability to do something as simple as meet his eyes. The awkwardness turned up another notch and I tightened my hold on my cat in search of comfort.

“It’s good to see you again Brian,” I said eventually, then cringed at how formal that sounded. As if we were distant acquaintances and not siblings. His expression almost brought tears to my eyes. He looked hurt and disappointed. Maybe he’d hoped that I'd changed in those last couple of months, that we could finally be close again.

“Yeah, it’s good to see you too, Am,” he murmured, staring at anything but at my face.

It hurt to see him, to see his disappointment, hurt more than I thought it would. Maybe coming here had been a mistake. I could still turn around, get back into the car and ask Dad to take me back home with him. I could keep hiding, could keep hating every breath I took, could live in my tiny lonely shell of a life until it crushed me.

A feeling of dread settled in my chest, threatening to choke me. All eyes were on me, watching, waiting, worrying. I couldn’t leave now. I couldn’t do that to Brian and Dad.

“So,” Dad interrupted my thoughts and the uncomfortable silence, scratching the back of his head nervously. He’d started shaving his hair off only a few weeks ago because his bald spot had reached the size of a saucer and he hadn’t gotten used to it yet. “Maybe we should go inside.”

“Yes, right. That's a good idea,” Brian agreed eagerly. I couldn't blame him for wanting to escape the situation. My eyes returned to Zachary. What must he be thinking about us, about me, watching this? He hadn’t said anything yet but his blue eyes were attentive, taking it all in. He was even taller up close, definitely 6’3. He didn’t avoid my gaze like my father and brother did, and I felt uncomfortable under his gaze. But that wasn’t unusual. I always felt that way when people stared at me. It made me feel as if they were judging me, but Zachary seemed only curious.

Brian cleared his throat nervously, his gaze shifting between me and his best friend. “That's Zachary,” he said slowly, then he shot Zachary a badly disguised warning glance. “Zachary, that's my sister Amber.”

“Hi Amber,” Zachary said with a grin that lit up his entire face. He had a strong prominent jaw and his face was all angles and sharpness but his eyes and grin took away some of the hardness. “You can call me Zach.”

“Zach,” I confirmed in a bare whisper. He didn’t try to shake my hand or get closer. If I wasn’t mistaken, he hadn’t as much as twitched since I’d reached t

hem. Brian had done his job. He’d probably warned all of his friends and the entire neighborhood of my impending arrival. I scanned the surrounding houses, even the windows, but nobody was trying to risk a peek at the freakshow that was me. I wasn't sure how I felt about Zach and possibly other people knowing what was wrong with me. This was supposed to be a new start, but how was that even possible if everyone knew I was broken? A brief flash of anger at Brian hit me, then it faded. It wasn’t as if Zach wouldn’t have realized that I wasn’t quite right on his own.

“I'll get your belongings,” Dad said, then hesitated. “Okay?”

Warmth spread in my cheeks. If he was worried about leaving me alone with Brian and Zach for a couple of minutes, how was I supposed to survive sharing an apartment with them?

“It’s fine, Dad.” He practically rushed toward the jeep. Zach followed after him at a much slower pace, leaving me alone with Brian. Hesitantly, I tilted my head and looked at my brother, catching him watching me with wistful eyes. I willed the corners of my lips up to wipe that look off his face.

His eyes lit up the slightest bit. “I'm glad you're here,” he said quietly. I wanted to believe him and I knew that he wouldn't deliberately lie to me, but he couldn’t possibly want me in his life, not like this. I was going to mess everything up for him, and for Zach, who was getting in the line of fire without any fault of his own.

“I'm glad, too,” I lied without hesitation. The way Brian looked at me made it clear that he knew I didn't tell the truth. Maybe I wasn’t as good a liar as I thought, or maybe I'd just done it too often. I averted my gaze, unable to bear Brian’s scrutiny, and turned toward Zach and Dad who were heading our way, carrying my two suitcases. If I couldn’t even stand Brian’s closeness for ten minutes, taking that much luggage with me might have been a bit optimistic.

Dad’s eyes found me as he and Zach passed by, for once not concerned. They were talking about college football and Brian joined in on their conversation eagerly. I didn’t mind. It made me happy to see him and Dad so animated and relaxed. It wasn’t something I saw often when they were around me.