Not Meant To Be Broken

I followed them at a safe distance, stroking Pumpkin’s soft fur all the while. It always managed to calm me. I slipped past Dad who held the door open for me, careful not to touch him. The hall of the building was narrow and dark, but at least it looked clean. The floor was dark brown wood with scratches all over it, and the bricked walls were painted in a sterile white.

“Our apartment is on the fourth floor, so we should take the elevator,” Brian said, heading for metal doors at the end of the corridor. A beeping noise announced the arrival of the elevator and a moment later the doors slid open, revealing a small space with barely enough room for six people – or four people with two suitcases. Zach, Brian and Dad stepped into the elevator without hesitation. It looked so easy: set one foot in front of the other. But my throat was closing up at the sight of the crammed space. I hadn’t used an elevator since my hospital stay three years ago. It would be close to impossible not to touch someone. I tightened my hold on Pumpkin, causing my cat to let out a noise of protest.

My feet seemed glued to the floor. Move, Amber. Move. I tried to force my body to move forward, to step into the elevator but my muscles refused to bulge. Until about two seconds ago, Brian, Dad and Zach had been too absorbed in their conversation to notice my hesitation, but now their attention shifted to me. The happiness on Dad's face evaporated and an expression of sadness took its place. I caught the look of hurt on Brian's face before he averted his gaze and stared at the ground.

Zach was watching me with a deep frown; now he probably regretted having ever agreed to let me live in their apartment. And why wouldn’t he? I was a mess. I couldn’t believe I’d actually hoped this was the beginning of a new life. Tears welled up in my eyes but I forced them back. Guilt was a vice around my heart. I was a horrible person for hurting my father and brother like this. But I couldn't step into that elevator.

I hated myself for my next words. “You can go ahead without me. There’s not enough room for all of us. I'll take the next elevator.” I stared at a spot on the wall. I could imagine the pained expression on Dad's face and the despair on Brian’s; I didn’t want to actually see them.

Dad reached for the button to send the elevator up. A couple of years ago, he might have protested. The front door swung open and a few young men entered the hall and headed in my direction.

I quickly stepped into the elevator, careful not to touch Dad, Brian or Zach, who stood immediately to my right. Zach shifted a few inches to give me more room but there were still only two inches between my shoulder and his arm. Dad jabbed the button with more force than necessary. The doors closed smoothly behind me and I pressed my back against them. The sense of being trapped washed over me. I focused with all my might on the pink suitcase in front of me, but Brian’s brown leather oxfords were in my peripheral vision. No matter where I looked there were shoes or legs or hands.

I closed my eyes for an instant and buried my face in Pumpkin's soft fur, breathing in his familiar scent. The elevator began to move, too slowly.

Too slow.

Too slow.

Too slow.

My throat tightened, my heart pounding in my ears. The silence pressed in on me. How much longer? I couldn’t do this, couldn’t, couldn’t. I was startled out of my rising panic attack when Zach cleared his throat. My eyes peeled open and I peered up at him before settling for the safer sight of my suitcase again.

“Your room has a clear view of the small park behind the house. You'll like it. If you’re lucky, you might even get to watch squirrels scurrying after joggers for food,” he said, his face lit up by a small smile. The dimples around his mouth gave him a boyish appearance and made me forget his intimidating frame for a moment. “I bet your cat will love the squirrels.”

Pumpkin’s ears perked up as if he realized Zach was talking about him. I opened my mouth to say something when I noticed Dad and Brian watching me in worry as if they expected me to break down crying because Zach had spoken to me. My lips snapped shut. Instead of voicing my reply, I nodded and gave Zach what I hoped was a grateful look. The elevator halted; before the door had slid open completely, I squeezed through and stumbled into the hallway, sucking in a deep breath, relief surging through me at being free.

There were four wooden doors on this floor, two on either side of the elevator. Brian walked past me, startling me. I managed to suppress the gasp rising into my mouth. I held myself close to the right side to give Zach and Dad room to pass me on the left side. Zach’s shoulders brushed the wall across from me as he passed by, carrying one of my suitcases as if it weighed nothing, and headed for Brian who had stopped in front of the last door; Zach was obviously trying to give me as much space as possible. Brian had definitely schooled him well. Heat rose into my head.

How much had he told him?

Brian unlocked the door and they entered the apartment. Dad turned his head, waiting in the doorway, and gave me an encouraging look before disappearing inside. Hesitantly, I walked into my new home. I stood in a spacious living room with two narrow but high windows. There was a huge flat-screen TV on one wall, surrounded by hundreds of DVDs and Playstation games. Bang & Olufsen loud speakers were attached to every corner of the room. There were two round beige love seats and a long black sofa facing the TV. A sleek glass table was positioned in front of the sofa. There was even a liquor cabinet with more bottles of whiskey, scotch, tequila and all other kinds of alcohol than I’d ever seen. The expensive furniture and the new wooden floor weren’t something I’d expected. How was Brian able to afford such a luxurious home? The walls were brick but painted in the same warm beige as the loveseats. Through the open door to my left I could see the kitchen; a corridor branched off the living room and led to more rooms.

“Do you like it?” Zach asked as he set my suitcase down beside the sofa.

Pumpkin wriggled in my arms. I finally shut the apartment door before I put him down. He strode around the room as if he owned the place, rubbing his chin against the edge of every piece of furniture in his reach.

I gave Zach and Brian an apologizing look but they seemed more amused than angry about Pumpkin getting fur all over their sofa.

“It's really nice,” I said.

Zach grinned and gave Brian an I-told-you-so-look.

“Do you want to see your room?” my brother asked, smiling hopefully.

“That would be great.” I followed him into the long corridor. At the end of it was a window that filled the place with daylight. Five doors lined the walls.

“This door leads to my room and that's Zach's room. In between is our shared bathroom,” Brian explained, pointing at the three doors on my left side. I tried not to show my worry at the thought of sharing a bathroom with them.

“This is your room.” He pointed at the door across the corridor from his room.

Brian pushed open the door and took a few steps back to give me enough space to enter the room without touching him. A smile spread on my face as I stepped into the room. A huge window flooded everything with light and a king-sized bed was pressed against the wall below it. A wide wardrobe took up most of the left side. There was a desk beside the bed and a sofa on the remaining wall. The walls were beige and the bed-linen was purple. Brian must have bought it for me. Something warm spread in my body at the thought. I walked toward the window and chanced a look at the park below. “It's beautiful,” I said, tilting my head slightly to give Brian a grateful smile.

He shifted uncomfortably, still not moving from his spot in the doorway, my suitcases positioned next to his legs. Was he worried to scare me if he entered the room? “Can you put the suitcases on my bed?”

Brian hesitated but then he reached down and dragged my suitcases toward the bed before positioning them on top. We stood so close to each other that he could have touched me if he'd reached out. I lifted my head and met his eyes. Eyes so full of worry. I drew in a shaky breath and reached out, touching his upper arm for only a second. “Thank you,” I said before pulling my arm back.

From the corner of my eye I saw Zach moving away from the doorway and out of view to give us privacy.

Brian’s eyes widened in surprise and his face lit up with joy, more joy than such a simple touch should cause in anybody. It was my fault. I averted my gaze and stared out of the window.

“Amber, Brian? I need to get back to Peterborough,” Dad shouted.

I followed Brian back to the living room where Dad was waiting for us. Zach was nowhere to be seen. He probably thought we needed a family moment. If only he knew that we hadn't had a true family moment for three years. Now everything was just complicated and awkward. My fault, a small voice in my head taunted me.

Dad took a step toward me, his arms lifting ever so slightly as if he was going to hug me before they dropped back to his sides. “Take good care of her, Brian,” Dad said in a strained voice.

I swallowed.

“Don't worry, Dad.” Brian pulled him into a tight embrace. I moved closer to them and accompanied Dad to the entrance door.

“I’ll give you a moment to say goodbye,” Brian said, then he left in the direction of the kitchen. Pumpkin perched on the backrest of the loveseat, keen eye watching me.

“I will be alright, Dad,” I told him, and like moments before with Brian, I reached out and touched Dad's arm ever so lightly. Again a smile and so much joy.

It was killing me to know that I could bring them so much joy with such a simple gesture. With a last glance back at me, Dad disappeared in the elevator at the end of the hallway. I closed the door and turned around. I took a moment to let it sink in that I was really doing this, starting a new life, living in an apartment with Brian and his friend. Voices drifted over to me from the kitchen.

For a moment I considered joining them but it would have been too much, too soon. I picked up Pumpkin, made my way back to my room and closed the door behind me, locking it.

I imagined Brian's reaction to my caution and grimaced, but I felt safer that way. I plopped down on my bed as I watched Pumpkin discovering his surroundings. This was my new life.