“Ellie, no.” I almost moan the words, unable to process everything she’s saying to me. She starts crumbling in front of me. I can see it, but I’m frozen where I am. I know she’s getting ready to rip my heart out. I’m not stupid. There’s a reason our intel was so good and then when I took off to Virginia to find Vicki, she just disappeared. She was like a ghost, which wasn’t her style at all. I know what’s coming next. I know. But, I need to hear it. “What did you do, Ellie?”
“Liam,” she sobs.
“Tell me!” I yell. “What did you do!?!?!”
“She called the club to demand that Diesel bring her son to her. She was high, I could tell even through the phone. I told her she needed to get help. I warned her that if she didn’t get clean, she didn’t have a chance of ever getting her son.”
“No, Ellie, don’t tell me you…God, no, Ice.” I’m begging her, even though I know it’s useless.
“I told her you were coming, Liam. I told her she needed to get in a re-hab and disappear if she ever hoped to see her son again.”
My eyes close. It feels as if my heart has been ripped out of my chest.
“You’re the reason she went into hiding. You’re the reason Diesel almost died…”
“Liam, if you just let me explain…” she says hopelessly, her body is heaving with the force of her sobs.
She reaches out to touch me and I recoil from her. I can’t stop it. I walk out, leaving her alone and wondering if I ever really knew her at all.EllieI didn’t realize a person could cry as hard as I did for that long a period of time. My eyes are red and they’re burning. My head hurts, a migraine forming, but it’s nothing like the pain in my heart, but my vision is blurry with it. I ignore it. I don’t have a choice.
I knew once Liam found out the truth that he’d be angry. I thought maybe we could survive, but after seeing Liam’s reaction and having him walk out on me, I know that we can’t. I waited and waited for him, but it became clear he wasn’t coming back. Now, it’s the following day, the sun is just starting to come out and with no word from Liam… I know that I can’t stay here. I take the letter I wrote him and fold it, putting it on our bed. Tears leak from my eyes again, but I wipe them away. I told Liam that I’d keep my cell with me. I begged him to forgive me and apologized again. It sucks, but I know that’s all I can do. I hurt him. I betrayed him and I have to live with that. I knew better. As an old lady in the club, some things are sacred. It doesn’t matter that I was upset and grieving, nor that I was sick of seeing Vicki throw away the child that I wanted so badly. Liam and I had been trying for over a year and it just never happened. I have endometriosis and we were told that getting pregnant would be a challenge. Getting that negative result after having my hopes up, nearly destroyed me. It’s not an excuse, but my mind truly wasn’t clear. If I had it to do over, I would. I wish like hell that I could.
But I can’t.
There’s nothing I can do but leave. Before I do that, there is one thing that I need to do. I leave my suitcase by the door as a wave of dizziness hits me. This headache is going to be my worst one yet. It’s already amplified. It kind of feels like a sledgehammer is pounding against the back of my head.
I walk slowly to Diesel’s door. There’s a chance he and Rory are already moving around for the day, but I’ve noticed since I came back that Diesel spends time with Rory in their room early, and then goes to work with his brothers. I noticed it because I was happy for him. Before when I was here, I don’t think he slept much at all. There were times when I doubted he ever used his bedroom. He’d fall asleep in his office most nights, or in Ryan’s room on the floor.
I’m so upset that I actually pass up his door and knock on the wrong one at first. I’m not sure I would have realized it, if it hadn’t been cracked and I looked inside, only to realize it was the laundry area.
I’ve got to get a grip. I just need to hold it together to talk to Diesel. After that, I can find a hotel and spend the day crying in bed—much like yesterday. When I finally make it to the right door. I knock, swallowing and trying to ignore the nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach.