“Your failure?”
“You said I let you down, Gorgeous. You admitted to it. The other night when you were drinking. I told you I was sorry that I let you down and you said you were too. You can’t go back and pretend those words weren’t said now. I apologized and I know that doesn’t make it all better, I’m not stupid. But, will you ever be able to look at me and not hate me? Will we ever be able to get past the fact that I’m the reason we lost our child?” he asks, his voice tortured, his face a mixture of pain and misery.
“Will we ever be able to get past the fact that I’m the reason we lost our child?”
Is that really what he believes? Is that what he thinks I feel?
“Noah,” I whisper. I walk to him slowly, hating the misery I see on him—and probably because it reflects what’s inside of me. “Sweetheart, I don’t blame you for the loss of our child,” I add gently, sliding my hand under the fall of his hair and holding the side of his face.
“You agreed I let you down, Rory, and I did. I let everyone down,” he says, his voice agonized.
“Not about me losing the baby, Noah. You let me down by not believing me when I told you I was pregnant, but I’m past that now. I told you after talking with Dani, I could understand that your reactions are your own—colored by the experiences you’ve been through. Just like mine are now. Things change us, we can’t help that,” I stress to him.
I thought my words would help. I thought that maybe they’d make him feel better. One look at the pain on his face and the tears that are unshed, but glowing in his eyes proves that I am wrong.
How do I fix this?
“It’s fine, Rory. It’s okay,” he says, but he’s wrong, nothing is okay.
“Noah, you have to listen to me,” I plead, needing to erase the pain on his face. It hurts to see it.
“Just go, Rory,” he says turning away from me to look out the window. “I know what I did. I know nothing can change it. If it wasn’t for me we’d be welcoming our child into the world like Torrent and Devil. It’s all my fault. I was stupid to think you could let that go.”
“It wasn’t you, Noah!” I tell him, hating that he feels this way. I hate that he’s making me relive it all too, but I push through it. I push through it because at least one of us should have that weight lifted away.
“There’s no one else to blame, Rory,” he says quietly.
“There is! There’s King! It’s not your fault our child isn’t here anymore, Noah. It’s his!”
“If that’s true, then why the condoms, Rory? Why? Why can’t you tell me you love me anymore if you don’t blame me?” he asks, turning to look at me, despair laced in every word… the same despair in mine.
We’re both so broken I don’t even know how to begin to fix either of us.53Diesel“Because I’m scared.”
The words hang between us. The words whispered out like a guilty secret and I watch as her face crumples.
“Gorgeous—”
“Don’t you see, Noah? It’s not your fault. It’s all mine,” she adds, and that’s when she starts crying. “I was the stupid one. I let my brother herd me right to Wyoming. I even moved into the home he wanted me to be in. I thought I was so smart, getting away. I thought using money that wasn’t attached to our father or mother wouldn’t be traceable. I thought I had outsmarted King all the way. But it was all a game to him. He knew you’d come to Montana with Ryan eventually. I don’t know how he knew, but he knew and he wanted me there… and I just played into his plans.”
I think over her words. There’s a chance he knew about Montana. Violet knew, and that would stand to reason that Vicki and King did too. I guess even when I thought I was doing the best I could for my son, I was making the wrong fucking decisions.
“If you played into his hands, so did I, Rory,” I tell her. “They may not have known I’d take Ryan there, but when I began making moves and taking money out of my accounts, it would have made them prepare. It would be the first place they suspected.”
“He left magazines, and even took out billboards he knew I’d see. All talking about how wonderful Montana was—Whitefish, Montana. He left breadcrumbs everywhere and like a fool I followed them, thinking I was breaking free. If anyone was to blame, it is me, Noah. I was so stupid.”
“Rory—”
“You should blame me, Noah. You should blame me for getting close to you. I led King right to you and I didn’t even know it.”