Lock Step - Love Under Lockdown

I wasn’t quite sure how to explain Ryan to my dad. Maybe I could just tell him I wanted to go to Alaska on a tour or something. I could make it part of a college class. I didn’t mean to look too far down stream, but if I were to move there for Ryan, I’d have to visit a few times to understand what it was like, right?

Then again, I was really nervous about the whole bears thing. I didn’t know if I could get used to that. I’d have to look out every window to make sure there wasn’t a bear.

And what if Ryan went out first and got attacked, what would I do? Call the police? It would probably take them hours to find me.

I’d have to go out bravely in the snow and fight the bear for my man!

Guns! I’d have to learn how to shoot, right? Ryan probably had plenty of guns. I mean, if he lived in the wilderness and was constantly under the threat of attack by bears and wolves, he needed a gun, right?

That sounded kind of scary, but I guess I could get used to it. He could take me to the range.

I’d have to ask him if he had one, next time I talked to him.

In my head, I saw a handsome hunter in camo gear showing me the ropes on a rifle or a machine gun or whatever. I’d fire the first shot and squeal in surprise, and we’d laugh.

In no time, I’d be handy with a gun. Then when Dad and Daphne came to visit it, they’d be shocked that I was so handy and confident.

I wouldn’t be like Daphne at all. Poor thing. I think she’d wither and die without my dad around. Maybe it was this whole crisis that was causing her to break down. No wonder she and Dad spent so much time together. He was probably spending the whole time building her self-esteem back up.

I got out my phone to text Ryan and hesitated. Was this long-distance “relationship” healthy? Was it a relationship at all?

It was more of a friendship, just chatting, and I wasn’t really into him. I was into Phil, even though I didn’t want to have to admit it.

Maybe being cooped up for so long, I was building things up in my head that weren’t true. For all I knew, Ryan was a lonely old man who started texting me just for fun. I didn’t ask for a picture, but getting a fake one would be easy enough, so it’d probably be pointless to request one, anyway.

I’d heard there were a lot of scammers out there, too. Could Ryan be trying to con me all this time? That would be awful! Oh, I’d be so mad.

Gillian told me she knew a guy that got conned out of a lot of money through an online dating service. I could totally see that happening to guys. Some thirsty dude sees a pretty face and goes nuts, but wasn’t I just as vulnerable? Was I just as thirsty?

You already slept with your stepbrother, Tracianne. I think you know the answer.

But I had no money for Ryan to steal. I was just a college student, who stupidly hooked up with my stepbrother during a pandemic and needed to talk to someone, anyone, even a complete stranger, about it.

Jeez, looking back, I had to say I had no regrets. Despite all that had happened and Phil’s behavior, those was no denying that the sex was mind-blowing. He had definitely raised the bar and would make it hard to find someone in the future who could compare to him, but it had still been worth it.

Of course, I hadn’t been with a lot of guys. Was Phil special or just really great at sex? These were definitely things I wished I didn’t have to ask myself about my stepbrother.

I really wished I could find a guy who was as good at sex as Phil was, without it being my stepbrother. And personality wise, he could be more like Ryan. I mean, Phil could be funny, and fun. But he could also be an ass. And he had been so mopey lately.

Now that I knew the true Phil— the angry, distant Phil? No thanks. Or at least that was what I tried to tell myself, probably just to make it easier to get over him.

Although I guess, when you looked at it, it was all the anger and tension that made the sex so great. Damn, that was going to be hard to replicate, if that was true.

How could I love someone and be mad at them at the same time, to keep the sex good?

Life was so confusing! I’d had way too much time to think about all this.