So he couldn’t judge, could he? Because he was as damaged as she. She was right; he was selfish. He wanted his fun his own way. But she was wrong, too. His not wanting commitment wasn’t entirely a convenient excuse. It was grounded in fear. Because if he lost all his money, his status, even his damn fitness, would any woman still be interested? He doubted it. His own father hadn’t stayed interested even as his success was blossoming.
So he protected his heart by keeping things casual and always being the one to end it. He saw now that Lena had tried to do the same. She’d tried to protect herself from him. That was why she’d said no after their first one-night stand. She was more emotionally aware than he and had feared she was headed for trouble if she messed with him much more. That hunt for self-protection had been at the root of her ‘non-exclusive’ offer. It had stemmed from her insecurity. She really did believe she didn’t have enough to offer him.
So now? Where the hell did they go from here?
He smacked the bag, his fists sore, then raw, then heading to numb. He stewed over her past. But in the end all he could think was that people made mistakes. And he wanted to know how she’d come to make hers. He had to try to understand. She had to help him do that. Because as flawed and fickle as she might once have been, he loved her. He wanted to be with her. And he wanted to convince her he could love her the way she needed to be loved. He wanted to be enough for her.
But given how insecure she was, he knew she needed more than words. She needed incontrovertible proof. So for her, and only for her, he’d consider the marriage deal. If she wanted the public ceremony and the piece of paper, he’d give her that. Hell, he could give her a really public declaration—he could do a huge public proposal. Bare his soul in a stadium full of people.
That would be big. And public. And manipulative.
Would she be able to say no in that arena even if she wanted to? Actually, knowing Lena she probably could. But he didn’t want to do it to her anyway, didn’t want to set her up so she felt pressured by an audience to answer a certain way. He wanted her to be completely free to make whatever decision was in her heart.
But before he could go forward with her, there was the past to resolve. As much as he didn’t want to, he had to cut them free from her baggage—and his own.
Seth stopped punching. Yeah, there was that whole deal. The kid his father had chosen to be with. The one who had taken his place. Jason. Seth had been totally jealous of him. He’d met him a few times when his mother had made him visit his father in an attempt to maintain their father-son relationship. But his father had that new son—the screaming baby who’d grown into a cute toddler. The apple of his father’s eye.
But that wasn’t Jason’s fault. Seth might be many things, but he wasn’t a monster. He didn’t want the kid to suffer any more than he wanted any other kid to suffer. And he didn’t want Jason to be as lonely as he felt now. He stalked to the table and rummaged underneath for the wastepaper bin that was still overflowing from the other week. Kicked so far under the table he’d forgotten about it. And not emptied. The letter was on top.
He skimmed it. So he’d been wrong and she’d been right. Again. It wasn’t a request for money, but a request for him to get in touch with his brother. Rebecca knew Seth would never want to deal with her, but she was desperate for Jason. He’d been struggling since their father’s death. Seth sighed deeply, trying to release the clamped feeling in his chest. He had no other siblings. No real experience of dealing with them. So he really didn’t know how Lena coped with the whole competitive thing, but he knew she loved her siblings and supported them. He admired her for that. And there was more that he had to learn from her.
For the first time in his life he wanted a team-mate. Not just a support person, but someone fighting alongside him. He ached for her strength and loyalty and laughter. And her love.
But in love there were no guarantees. So he was going to have to man up to the most difficult challenge of his life.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
THE painkillers Gabe had given her weren’t working. Her whole body felt heavy and sore and for the next hour she simply sat in her chair, utterly ineffective.
‘I’m sending you home. I’ve called a car already.’
Lena jerked, her head pounded harder; she hadn’t realised Dion was standing in her doorway. She had no idea how long he’d been standing there. But she didn’t argue, for once recognising her own limitations and that she was right at the edge of them. Better for her to leave now rather than have a total meltdown at work. ‘Thanks.’
By the time she’d gathered her gear and got down the stairs the car was at the front entrance. A big black one. Her heart shrivelled—she couldn’t take this. But then the driver’s door opened and it was Mike, the pilot, who got out. There was no one else in the car.
‘What are you doing here?’ She was too sore to put the polite smile on.
‘Don’t worry, Lena,’ he said easily. ‘I’m just taking you home.’
She hesitated but knew she was too spent to argue. So she just got in. Her heart thudded painfully. She hoped Seth wouldn’t be there; she really didn’t have the strength to face him. Never would. Her eyes watered and she blinked hard to keep her emotions buried.
But he was there, leaning against the wall next to her front door, shaded from the blazing midafternoon sun. As she walked up the path she heard Mike drive away.
‘You know we have to talk,’ he said as she neared.
She didn’t unlock her door, couldn’t bear to bring him into her home again. Instead she stopped and sat on the concrete steps leading to her deck. A half second later he moved, and sat beside her.
She kept her head bent, but she saw the backs of his hands as he hunched and rested his arms on his thighs. The skin across his knuckles was swollen and red and purple and smote her heart.
‘Lena, I need you to tell me about it. I want to try to understand.’
The band of pain tightened round her head as she gingerly shook it.
‘Tell me what happened,’ he said softly, insistently. ‘I want to know.’
‘Why?’ What was the point in rehashing her past mistakes? It was hardly going to redeem her. Why couldn’t he just walk away and leave her to deal with it?
‘Do you believe in love at first sight?’ he asked.
She stared hard at the concrete but it went all blurry. Not only did she feel the pain pounding now, she heard it, too. ‘Do you?’
‘I didn’t used to believe in love at all.’
Her head hurt. Her heart hurt. Everything hurt.
‘It’s been an adjustment.’
She didn’t respond to that low drawl. Couldn’t, daren’t hope. Suddenly it was easier to think on her painful past than her possible future now.
‘His name was Cam,’ her voice rasped. ‘He was my boss.’
Everything she’d said the other night had been true, but there had been things she hadn’t said. Now her words dropped like stones, smashing the silence and all the possibilities that hovered in it. She bent her head. She didn’t want to see his face. ‘I’m so ashamed I did that to another woman.’ The harshness dropped from her voice and she whispered instead. ‘I was so naïve.’
She’d wanted to be loved so much. That desire had blinded her to the reality of the situation. Just for once she’d wanted to be treasured, made to feel special. She hadn’t ever been special. She’d never shone at anything. And he’d made her feel as if she did.
‘He chased me so hard,’ she said sadly. ‘He was older and in a senior position and I was flattered. He showered me with gifts. Everything a greeting-card lover should—flowers, chocolates, even jewellery. And attention. I fell for it. I’d get into work and there’d be an email waiting. The second I sat down the phone would go and it would be him on the end of the line—just to say hello. He’d come to my part of the office at any opportunity. I was so dazzled and young and stupid. And so lonely.’
And so used to being second
best. It had taken nothing to make her fall into his arms. He hadn’t even been that attractive, but he’d wanted her as no one else had ever wanted her. Chased as no one had ever chased. Paid her so much attention.
‘I didn’t know he was still with her, not when it started. He told me he was separated and filed for divorce.’ But ignorance was no excuse. She should have found out sooner. She should have known that he hadn’t left his wife as he’d said. She should never have believed a word of it.