Big Man For Christmas

“I asked why you didn’t talk to me. After that night.”

Carley blushes pink, and it’s so fucking tempting to be distracted by that color and wonder if the rest of her body flushes that shade when she’s aroused. Even when we were together that night, I never saw her naked. God, that’s something I crave. I want to know what she looks like. I want to explore every inch of her.

I yank that thought to a stop. No. I can’t think about her like that. But still, Carley doesn’t say anything. “You first,” she says softly.

“Because,” I say, taking a step closer to her, “after six months of you saying nothing to me, I didn’t know what I could say to you. I wanted to tell you to be happy. I wanted to ask you why. I wanted…It doesn’t matter. It was a long time ago.”

“Yeah.” Her voice is a little raw.

Taking another step closer, I look down at her. She’s so near that I could lean down and kiss her if I wanted to. As it is, I can see her breath as it puffs out from her, and I find myself wanting to steal that breath. “You have to tell me, Carley,” I say. “Please. It’s all I’ve wanted to know since that night. Did I hurt you? Did I…did I go too far?”

Her eyes go wide. “Oh my God, Casey, no. No, not at all. You were…amazing. That night was amazing. I don’t regret it at all.”

Cool relief pours over me, and I step away. I don’t think I even realized how much I cared about that answer—how much I wanted to not have caused her pain. “Good,” I say. “I’m glad. Thank you.”

We’re quiet for a moment, and the words form on my lips before I can stop them. “Then why?”

“Why what?”

I turn back to face her. “Why didn’t you talk to me again? Why did you suddenly start avoiding me like I was…contagious or something.”

This time she blushes a deeper shade of red. “I was terrified,” she whispers.

“Of what?”

Carley swallows. “Of getting pregnant. I saw the broken condom on the ground, and after that, it was all that I could think about. Jess had just found out that she was pregnant and married Rhett, and the only thing in my mind was that I would not, could not, do the same thing. I didn’t want to be trapped here. Or forced to get married because I made one mistake. I was terrified, and it was just easier to avoid you until I knew for sure. And after that, I was so embarrassed that I didn’t know how to face you again.”

She takes a half step toward me and stops. “I’m so sorry, Casey. It wasn’t fair to you. It was childish. And I shouldn’t have done that.”

I stare at her, trying to wrap my head around all of that information. All this time…Oh my God.

“Carley,” I say, scrubbing my hands over my face. “The condom didn’t break inside you.”

The words fall between us and shatter like ice on the ground. She stares at me like I just told her that Santa Clause is real, and that he’s going to come to the fireworks with all twelve reindeer. “What are you talking about?”

It’s my own embarrassment that I have to grapple with now. Amazing how nearly a decade later it can still feel as fresh as the day that it happened. “Do you remember where we were in the woods?”

Carley bites her lip, and fuck if that isn’t the sexiest thing that I’ve ever seen. “Kind of. Not exactly.”

“We were in that little clearing that’s surrounded by all those blackberry bushes. After we…finished…I was trying to get rid of it, and I wasn’t paying attention. I wanted to get back to you. It got caught on a thorn and ripped open. Everything got all over my hand.”

I watch her face as she realizes her mistake. And mine.

“I was too embarrassed to tell you. Don’t know why. Guess I didn’t want you to think I couldn’t take care of something as simple as a condom. So dropped it, and I hoped that you wouldn’t notice.”

Carley shakes her head, disbelief all over her face. “Really?”

“Really.”5Carley“Really?” I ask him.

“Really.”

For the second time in a week, I feel like my whole world has been flipped upside down. After I saw that broken condom I was in a state of near panic for weeks until I started my period again. It cast a giant shadow over the start of the new semester at school and my entire future. I thought I was watching all my plans completely evaporate, and I could barely function.

The only choice I felt I had was to avoid Casey entirely. Which wasn’t easy in a school of barely two hundred students. So much time and effort spent bending over backwards over…nothing.