Big Man For Christmas

After Christmas, I imagine he and his wife are going to have some hard discussions. But Jack is one of the best people I know, and he’d never expose Carley to gossip and humiliation intentionally. So he’ll stay quiet just like I will. Even if it kills me.

“Thank you, Mr. Farrell. That means a lot.”

Then, softly, he says, “I just want her to be happy.”

I don’t say anything back to that. Because the minute I do, I’m going to give away the depth of my feelings for her.

“And I hope that she is. But I can’t help but wish…never mind. You have a good night, Casey.” he says, heading back toward the house.

“You too.”

My own house seems painfully empty now, and the dinner I have is the remnants of last night’s meal that I somehow still managed to burn because I was distracted by the fact that Carley left.

Now that I’m alone, the anger and sadness are impossible to hide. I choke down the food as quickly as possible so that I don’t have to think about it. I’m exhausted from today’s work, but there’s still restless energy running under my skin.

Tonight is the last night before the actual fireworks, so the music will be at full volume tonight, for a little longer than normal just for one last night of acclimation. I put my ear plugs in and feed the cows while the music rumbles.

This has been touched too. I’m trying not to look at the hay loft and remember the exquisite sex and the way Carley looked when she was absolutely unleashed. Thankfully I only have to endure the music for one more night. Then I have nine months where I won’t have to be reminded of it.

I roll my eyes at myself. As if I won’t think about the way she felt every time I walk into the fucking barn.

There’s no way that I’ll just be able to go to sleep. I grab my axe and head outside to the wood pile. I need to split more wood for deliveries anyway. Might as well get a head start and take out some of my anger and frustration. Though as I start, I don’t know if even the entire pile of wood that towers over my head will be enough to erase the heartbreak.16CarleyEveryone sits down to dinner, and the atmosphere is one of excitement. Even I’m smiling. I can’t wait until tomorrow. I want to feel that magic again. And remember exactly what it feels like.

Of course I’m seated next to Tyler again. I haven’t had the chance to talk to him yet, but I will tonight. Later. The decision being made makes me feel lighter, and ready.

Earlier when he talked to Casey, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Partially because I’d realized that I was in love with Casey and being that close to him made me tongue tied. Partially because I was worried about what he would say to Tyler, and the reverse. They managed to keep it civil, but I could tell immediately that Tyler didn’t like him.

I am so pleasantly exhausted. That feeling of knowing that you accomplished something good. I will get a good night’s sleep tonight after our conversation, and tomorrow…tomorrow I will talk to Casey. I hope that he won’t be angry, and that he’ll maybe want a repeat of the Fireworks Night that we had all those years ago.

Dad comes in a little after everyone else, and he looks upset. It’s a rare thing for Dad to be upset. But the minute he sees me, he smiles and shakes his head. He’s fine. Don’t ask.

My mother is the happiest I’ve seen her since I’ve been here. More like what I remember as a kid, before I became a disappointment. Then again, Mom has always been hot and cold with me. Jessica is the favorite, and I’ve always either been the best child or the worst. It depends on the day, and it usually has a lot to do with how closely I follow whatever she wants me to do.

I freeze with a piece of cornbread halfway to my mouth. I am full of realizations today. Elgin wouldn’t be half so bad without my mother trying to control everything I do. Even now, she’s forcing me into a relationship I have no interest in because it is what she wants. That is a fucked-up way to treat your child.

And I don’t even know why. Why does she want me to be with Tyler so badly? I don’t understand. Maybe I will never understand. I haven’t pressed her because she’s my mom, and I love her. But I’m not going to bow to these whims anymore.

Unfortunately, that means I have to be prepared to accept her judgement. Even if that means that she doesn’t want to speak to me ever again.