Big Man For Christmas

Tyler clears his throat and stands. “Now that everyone is here, I wanted to say a few things.”

My family quiets down, looking at him expectantly. What the fuck?

“Thank you for welcoming me into your home at this festive time. It’s been wonderful to see some of your traditions, and I know Carley and I will be happy coming to visit from time to time.”

My heart stops in my chest. Where is he going with this? I want to talk to him privately and it sounds like he is about to bring all of our business into the open.

“Tyler,” I say quietly, “can I talk to you for a minute.”

He holds up a finger. “In a minute, I want to get this out. As all of you probably know by now, Carley and I had a rocky patch in our relationship. But I’ve come to realize how much she means to me, and how much I need her in my life.”

Mom and Jessica are practically swooning. My father is watching Tyler carefully, and Rhett and the boys just look confused. I don’t know that they were ever filled in on the ‘Tyler is a cheating bastard’ situation.

“That’s why I’m here, to win her back, and make sure that our love is stronger than ever. We’ve been engaged for a while, but that’s on me. There’s something I was waiting for, and now that it’s happening, I want us to set a date.”

“What happened?” My father’s voice. Flat.

“I just got the call this afternoon, that I’m being promoted to partner at the law firm.”

“Partner?” My mother nearly shrieks the word. She jumps up and hugs Tyler. “Oh my goodness, congratulations. That’s so exciting!”

“It’s something I’ve worked toward for a long time, and I can’t think of anyone I’d rather have by my side.”

He turns to me, and my stomach plummets into my toes. Please don’t do this. Please don’t do this. Please don’t do this.

But he does.

Tyler moves his chair to the side and sinks down on one knee in front of me. I’m having déjà vu from the first time he did this, and it couldn’t feel more different. Everyone in the room is holding their breath, and my mother is standing behind Tyler with the biggest smile I’ve ever seen on her face. I feel sick.

My ring is in his hand. The one that I threw back at him that day. “Carley Farrell, will you marry me? I thought we could get married here, next year, under the fireworks.”

“Oh my goodness that will be perfect!” Jessica says.

I’m just staring at Tyler, and he’s staring at me.

I remember the good times that we had. Occasional tender moments and the passion that we started with. I don’t regret some parts of it. But I lost myself entirely while I was with him. I let him erase me, and for the first time in years, my head feels clear enough to take myself back.

The part of me that wants people to be happy wishes he had just waited until I could talk to him. I also know that what I’m about to do is the equivalent of throwing a grenade in between me and my mother. But I can’t do it. The thought of going back to that life makes me feel more trapped than I’ve ever felt in Elgin.

“No.”

The whole room gasps.

“What?” Tyler asks at the same time that my mother says it.

“No,” I make my voice louder and firmer. “No I will not marry you. Not now, not next year, not under the fireworks, not ever.”

Tyler blinks. Just stares at me. Like he can’t process what I’m saying. “But…I love you.”

“Do you?” I ask. “Because I don’t think you do. I was going to speak to you about this privately, but you brought it up, so now we’re going to have it out.”

He opens his mouth and I hold up a hand. “No. My turn. You say you love me, and yet you still haven’t apologized for it. You’ve said you’re sorry that you hurt me, and that you’re sorry that you didn’t come to your senses sooner. But you’ve never apologized for cheating on me for four years.

“That’s because you’re not actually sorry. I saw the look on your face when I confronted you, Tyler. You didn’t care. It served you, so it was fine. The only reason that you even realized you wanted me back is because of what I do for you. Your bosses mentioned that you were getting married, so you want to make sure it happens. I clean the apartment and cook for you, and you want me to keep doing that for you.

“But when I asked you what kind of changes you were willing to make in our relationship, you didn’t have an answer. You. The man who has had his entire career mapped out for over a decade. So no, I’m not going to marry you because all I am to you is a tool. And yes, you love that I am useful to you, but you don’t love me. And I don’t love you.