Not What I Expected

* * *“Hi.” Perched on the bottom stair, I smiled at Bella the second she opened the front door.

She paused, eyeing me with an unreadable expression. Then she shut the door and pulled off her boots. “Did you have sex with him?” When she glanced up at me, unzipping her coat, her face wrinkled into pain or maybe it was disgust.

“Yes.”

She blew out a breath as if I’d punched her in the gut. “Oh my god, Mom. He’s young enough to be …”

I lifted an eyebrow.

“Twelve. He’s twelve years younger than you. That’s just …”

“He’s twelve years older than you. And at Thanksgiving, you seemed to think that was an acceptable age difference.”

“So you decided to sleep with him because of me? You decided to what? Steal him before I could graduate and have him?”

“You’re going to college. He’s not. I don’t think you were going to have a summer fling with him.”

“It …” She shook her head over and over again, stomping past the stairs, straight to the kitchen. “It’s not about me. It’s about Amber and Tillie. Oh my god, Mom … he kissed you right in front of her. How could you do that to her?” Bella jerked open the fridge door and grabbed a carton of yogurt.

“I had sex with him before he had dinner with Tillie.”

“Stop!” She grimaced, peeling open the yogurt. “Stop saying you had sex with him.”

“Okay … so let’s revisit the conversation we had awhile back. You were okay with me having sex with Mike or Brian as long as I gave you a heads-up. But you’re not okay with Kael? Is it because I didn’t give you proper notice or because he’s twelve years younger than me?”

She shoveled the yogurt into her mouth, stress eating like I used to do. “It’s everything. It’s that he’s no longer the hot new guy with the cool store. He’s now the weird new guy screwing my mom.”

“Screwing me makes him weird?”

“Stop! Don’t say that.” She flinched like my words jolted her.

“Say what?” I laughed.

“Screwing.”

“It was your word, not mine.”

Fucked. I liked the word fuck. However, I had a strong vibe that Bella didn’t want to hear me say that either.

“So what do you want me to do?”

“I … I don’t know. Tell me it’s over. Tell me it was a mistake. Tell me he’s going to be with Tillie or Amber. Tell me the rest of my senior year won’t be about you and your young boyfriend. Can you do that? Can you let something not be about your needs for a few more months while I finish school and get the hell out of here? I realize that’s hard for you. After all, you couldn’t hold your tongue last year just long enough to get through the holidays before asking Dad for a divorce.”

It was my turn to flinch. That hurt. Even if I deserved it. It still hurt.

Bella sighed, dropping her spoon in the sink and the yogurt carton into the trash. Then she rested her hands on the edge of the counter and hung her head. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I didn’t mean it.”

“It’s okay if you did.”

“No.” She turned, eyes red, regret bending her lips downward. “It’s not okay. And I didn’t mean it. I’m just …”

“Yes,” I whispered.

She lifted her gaze to meet mine. “Yes what?”

“Yes. I can stop letting things be about my needs. I never intended for my needs to overshadow yours, and it breaks my heart to know that’s what has happened. I’m … truly sorry, Bella.”

She forced a partial smile. It was sad. It was painful. I closed the distance between us and pressed my hands to her cheeks.

“It was just sex, right?” she asked. “You don’t love him. Right?”

I smiled. “I love you. And I love your brothers. And in spite of how things ended, I loved your dad. He was, for so many years, the love of my life. We did great things together.” I kissed her forehead so she would know without a doubt that she was one of those great things. “But sometimes we change, and sometimes the passion dies. This goes against everything I was raised to believe. But I’m not sure if humans are meant to mate for life.”

She pulled back and released a tiny giggle. “Mate for life?”

I shrugged. “The divorce rate isn’t exactly low. And it’s higher for people who get married when they’re young. Maybe it’s because they are young, or maybe it’s just a lot of time to spend with one person. I married your dad when I was twenty. And we stayed married for twenty-two years. Most of them were really good years. We weren’t a failure. Not in my eyes. And you’re proof of that. So are your brothers.”

She didn’t respond right away, but I waited for her to tell me what she needed. I focused on my world—my truest love.