A soft knock sounded. Too soft to be Matteo.
I steeled myself before I opened the door to Aria’s worried face. “Are you okay?”
“I’ve been feeling off these last few days. Maybe I’m coming down with something,” I lied.
“Do you want me to make you tea?”
I shook my head. “I’ll drink a few glasses of water to feel hydrated.”
The rest of the family had gathered on the terrace, chatting and drinking wine. Matteo’s gaze sought me at once, his eyes filled with concern. I gave him a firm smile and joined them outside. Luca held out a glass with white wine to me but I shook my head.
“Headache. I need to drink water first.”
Lily pointed at her glass. “Do you want some of my homemade iced tea. With Rooibos, not black tea though.”
“Sure,” I said and accepted a glass. We clinked glasses and I sipped at my iced tea. Only a few days until the appointment but I couldn’t bring myself to drink alcohol, as if it mattered what I did. Matteo snuck his arm around my waist, pulling me against him.
Luca and Aria occasionally threw us curious glances. They knew us too well. I talked to Aria about pretty much everything but this was a topic I couldn’t bring up with her, with my sister who loved her children more than life itself, whose motherly nature amazed me every day.
“I love that we’re doing this every year,” Lily said. We’d celebrated my birthday in the Hamptons every year in the last eight years because it was perfect out here in August.
“Next year, we’ll be one more!” Aria said with a huge smile.
One more. She was right. In one year, Lily would carry a newborn in her arms, looking exhausted but deliriously happy. And I? I’d be the same I had been the previous years, the cool aunt.
Even as I wished for that outcome, I knew I’d never be the version of me I’d been before. This pregnancy had already changed me.MatteoI tousled Amo’s hair. “Hey!” he shouted indignantly and dashed off. Not quite six and already a huge personality. That boy would be a strong Capo one day.
“He’s getting as vain as you are,” Luca muttered with a shake of his head.
I sank down on the sofa in the living room. The women and kids were outside at the pool, and Romero had a call with one of his soldiers.
Luca regarded me. “No annoying comeback?”
I propped my arms up on my thighs, fighting the emotion that kept tightening my chest. Ever since Romero and Liliana had announced their pregnancy the noose around my throat had tightened. Their happiness had been like a punch in the gut.
Luca frowned and sat in the armchair across from me. “Matteo, what’s wrong?”
“Don’t tell Aria,” I said.
Luca tensed. I knew he didn’t like to keep things from Aria, unless they served her protection. “All right.”
I wasn’t sure if he meant it, but I found that I didn’t care. I couldn’t carry this secret anymore. I needed to get it off my chest.
“Gianna is pregnant.”
Luca’s eyes widened. “I thought you don’t want children.”
“We don’t.”
Luca didn’t say anything, realization dawning on his face. “Okay,” he said simply. “So what’s the problem if you both don’t want kids?”
His voice was carefully blank, which meant he hid his true feelings on the matter.
“I… fuck.”
Luca stood and sat down beside me. “You want the child?”
I closed my eyes. “I don’t know. I do not not want it.”
“Have you told Gianna?”
“No. I know she doesn’t want to be a mother.”
Luca remained silent and his expression was tight. I knew he still wasn’t Gianna’s biggest fan. “It’s not just her decision.”
“She said the same but it’s her body, Luca. She should decide. We men can pretty much keep living our life while the women have to go through pregnancy, labor and later raising the kids. Let’s be honest, Aria’s doing most of the work.”
Luca frowned. “I’m trying to spend as much time with Amo and Marcella as possible.”
“Don’t get defensive. You’re a good father.”
“You’d be a good father as well.”
I rolled my eyes. “Come on, Luca. It’s a miracle that you manage to be a good father after what our father did, but maybe I won’t be as lucky.”
“You’re a good uncle. Amo and Marcella adore you.”
“And I adore them. I’d die for them.”
Luca squeezed my shoulder. “I know.”
I shook my head. “We have the appointment to get rid of the baby next week.”
“Maybe Gianna should talk to Aria or Lily. They are mothers, maybe they can help.”
“Luca, they are mothers. What do you think they will say? Do you really think Aria won’t try to talk Gianna into keeping the child? She’ll only make Gianna feel bad.”
“Of course, Aria won’t be in favor of abortion.”
I stood. “We are fucking killers, Luca, so don’t look so fucking high and mighty. We’ve killed more men than we can recall.”