Luca glared. “We are. But I would never kill my child.”
“Fuck you,” I growled and turned around.
Before I was out of the front door, Luca caught up with me and gripped my shoulder. “Matteo, I shouldn’t have said that. It’s your and Gianna’s decision, okay? I have absolutely no right to judge you.”
“But you do.”
Luca sighed. “Having kids changes things. When I imagine that Amo and Marcella wouldn’t be here…” He shrugged, but in his eyes, I could see the anguish only the thought caused him.
I nodded because I got it. Or at least I thought I did.
Luca had changed so much since he’d married Aria and again since they had kids, at least part of him had. His murderous, psychotic side was still intact but carefully separated from his life as a husband and father. It was something I admired greatly. My life hadn’t changed that much in the last decade, apart from having found happiness with Gianna and being monogamous, I still lived for the thrill but so did she. A child had never been part of the plan.
I wasn’t sure if it fit into our life, and even less sure if Gianna and I were capable of being parents, of pushing our own needs back at least for a while.
Maybe we could, and that small flicker of uncertainty was the worst torture when I thought about our appointment next week.GiannaI could feel Aria watching me as I prepared tea for myself. “No coffee this morning?” she asked curiously.
“I’m in the mood for tea and I still don’t feel all that well.” Usually the morning after my birthday began with several espressos to fight the hangover and wake my body after way too few hours of sleep. Yesterday I hadn’t drunk any alcohol and I’d been in bed before midnight…
“Usually you’re the three espresso kind of girl.”
I took a sip from my peppermint tea. I craved coffee. I always drank coffee in the morning. I loved it. My coffee obsession was actually one of the very few things I had in common with Luca. But somehow, I couldn’t bring myself to drink anything with caffeine. I knew too much of it wasn’t good in a pregnancy. But it wasn’t as if it mattered. I didn’t even want this pregnancy and soon I’d end it, so I could have had all the caffeine in the world.
Aria still watched me and that’s when I realized that she knew the truth. A truth I had barely accepted for myself. I regretted agreeing to come here despite my inner turmoil. Matteo and I should have stayed in our penthouse and gotten deliriously drunk… but even that wasn’t really an option anymore.
Sighing, I set the cup down and leaned against the counter. “Luca told you?” It could only be him. Matteo wouldn’t have gone directly to my sister. They weren’t that close. They were much closer than Luca and I but not spilling your guts about something like this close.
“Matteo talked to him and…”
“And of course, Luca talked to you. Did you tell anyone else? Lily?”
Aria shook her head. “No, of course not.” She took a hesitant step toward me. “Gianna.” She fell silent. I could tell that she wasn’t sure what to say, and I got it. She probably wanted to congratulate me, be happy for me like she had been happy for Lily yesterday, but she couldn’t because she knew I wasn’t happy.
I looked down at my hands, feeling bad even though Aria wasn’t even judging me, at least not openly. But of course, Matteo would have told Luca that we didn’t want the pregnancy, and he would have told Aria. I wondered what they’d said behind our backs. Aria and Luca were good parents, amazing parents. What did it say about me when a murderous guy like Luca managed to be a good parent, but I didn’t even want this pregnancy? I pushed the thought aside.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
I didn’t but at the same time I knew it was too much to deal with alone. I gave a sharp nod, hoping I wouldn’t come to regret this.
“Let me grab a tea as well and then we can settle on the sofa, all right?” Aria lightly touched my shoulder, waiting for me to say something. I nodded eventually. Grabbing my tea, I went ahead and sank down. Aria soon joined me with her own cup and made herself comfortable next to me. Maybe it was my imagination but it felt as if she was looking at me differently already. As if I wasn’t just Gianna anymore, but pregnant Gianna. Aria sipped at her tea. Maybe she hoped I’d bridge the topic but I wasn’t even sure where to begin.
“Is there anything you want to talk about? Any questions?”
I set my tea down on the table, biding my time. “It’s not that I don’t like kids,” I said. “I love your kids, you know that? And I love Lily’s kid. I just never wanted them myself.”