So I went tumbling too.Chapter SeventeenAnnaHe was on his ass in the mud alongside me, and I felt like such an idiot for even thinking I’d be up to this in stupid heels. But I was glad I was an idiot. I was glad we were there, wallowing in the puddles, because it was hilarious.
I couldn’t remember the last time I’d laughed as much as I was laughing there in the country winds with the fresh air filling my lungs. I reached out for him when I was finally breathing steady enough to attempt the rise, but he was still roaring and held me tight. Mud to mud through the coat that was stupidly big and the stupid skirt that was riding up my splattered thighs.
And then the dogs came bounding, just as muddy as we were, leaping all over us and barking loud. I held them just as tight as I was holding Lucas, my hands in their damp fur as they licked my face, and it was perfect.
I gave up on my feet and opted to crawl, and he came with me, on his knees like I was. He took my hand, slopping them joined together in the mud on every shunt forward, and slowly we made our way to the top. He pulled me to my feet when we got onto firmer turf, and then he hugged me tight. I hugged him tight right back and breathed deep and free.
I was free.
“Your shoes are fucked,” he said, laughing fresh while stating the obvious.
“I don’t give a shit,” I said. “It was worth it.”
We walked along the brow of the hill in the most stunning silence, and it was so rich with green, and rustling leaves and the dogs racing at full pelt. I’d never get enough of this and I knew it. I’d never get enough of him and I knew it.
I guess that’s when I decided the future was inevitable.
And if the future was inevitable then so was the past.
I was scared. Staring up at him and wondering how the hell we’d ever get beyond that pile of hurt he’d slammed into me, and how we’d ever get beyond the repercussions that had cost me so much.
But I was more scared of how anyone else would get past it, even if I did myself.
“What are you thinking?” he asked, but I didn’t tell him. Not there in that moment. I shrugged and smiled and pointed out another crazy big oak on the horizon and he told me how it was Millie’s favourite.
He looked at me for a few long seconds before he pulled his phone from his pocket and unlocked the screen.
He pulled up a video and handed it over, and there was his little girl running around that very tree with her palm flat to the bark. Her giggle was beautiful, her eyes sparkling and so much like his it knocked me sideways. Her hair was like his too, the exact same shade of dark, her colouring a perfect match as it blew behind her as she ran. I couldn’t speak. The pain was in my throat.
Because that should have been us.
She should have been mine.
“Let’s play tag, Daddy,” she giggled. “Bet you can’t catch me.”
“Smile for the camera and I’ll be right there.”
She poked her tongue out and did a dance, and the image shuddered as he laughed too loud to hold it steady.
“She’s beautiful,” I managed to say as the recording came to an end.
“She is,” he agreed. “Maybe one day you’ll meet her. She’ll love you.”
That brought the pain up fresh. I took his fingers in mine and kept on walking and kept on breathing, and he raised my damn hand to his mouth and kissed my knuckles, and I knew then I was doomed.
He whistled the dogs when we completed the circuit and got back to the truck. I was trying to wipe some of the splatted mud from my butt before I got in, but he told me not to bother and got right in himself.
We rumbled our way back to the house and my heart was thumping, knowing full well we had to confront the place I’d been avoiding.
He pulled onto the drive and I took the final steps on my trashed shoes, kicking them off by the door and stepping on inside the warm. I shrugged off his coat and he hung it up to dry off, and then we were back through into the kitchen, and he was starting up the kettle and asking me what I wanted.
I sipped on a fresh glass of juice and watched him making tea, and wondered if there was any way on earth we’d make it through this.
He laughed again as he scoped out my legs. “Let me run you a bath,” he said, and I nodded. But that’s when I opted for another round. I undid my blouse and dropped it to the floor, unclipped my bra and slid my filthy skirt down my thighs.