Hello Stranger

I didn’t know. Couldn’t think.

I couldn’t fathom anything other than Chloe would be in my team day after day, working on the same ward, walking the same corridors and sitting at the same bedsides.

“Are you ok, Dr Hall?” Wendy asked. “You look a little… unsteady.”

I summoned my most steady smile.

“Fine, Wendy. Thank you.”

But I wasn’t fine. I backed away from there feeling like the ward was spinning around me, and my breaths were tight in my chest. Fluffy bullshit fate had no place for me, so why was I flying and twisting inside, my belly lurching and wheeling like a fucking fool.

Chloe Sutton.

The girl from the train was a nurse. A trainee nurse.

Chloe Sutton.

A trainee nurse who was going to be on my ward.

Chloe Sutton.

A girl whose smile I’d be staring at every day, right through the day. The shift of those knees, and that flick of hair from her forehead…

Chloe Sutton.

I’d find out if she liked elephants.

Chloe Sutton.

I’d find out if she’d ever been to Pilsner.

Chloe Sutton.

I’d find out everything I wanted. Everything she was.

And I didn’t know if I could do it. I didn’t know if I could keep it sane.

I headed into Jim Harris, to talk about upping his medication, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t do it.

I felt sick.

Sick and dizzy, and fucked.

I felt fucked. Truly fucked.

Chloe Sutton.

I stumbled into the staff bathroom, stared at myself in the mirror and splashed water all over my face, and I made myself say it. Made myself pull myself together and just fucking handle it.

“Stop being a fucking idiot, man.”

I stamped it down – the shivers, and the excitement and the ridiculous fucking joy. Because what fucking joy was there to be had here? Because some random girl had a job on my ward?

No joy. Because there never fucking was any – only a pitiful little sliver of life amongst the death. Only a pitiful little sliver of life through the years of death, and the pain, and the loss, and everything else I was so fucking keen to save other people from, even when their days were fucking numbered.

The little boy down deep screamed and cried because he wanted to believe. He wanted to feel the light. But he was dead to me. He’d been dead for fucking years.

Chloe Sutton.

I wouldn’t react to her.

Not a jot.

I’d put a smile on my face and welcome her onto my team, but that would be all. The only thing I’d ever do.

I wiped my face dry and took a deep breath. I stared into that mirror and cursed the joy inside as nothing.

Nothing. It meant nothing.

I only wished I believed that as I straightened my tie and went the hell about my day.14ChloeMy God, universe, what the hell are you doing to me?

I was doomed.

My soul was singing to highs that were crazy, and my whole body was on fire, burning up bright. Because I adored that man. I adored that man I didn’t know. And it was stupid. STUPID. But I couldn’t stop.

My hands were shaking as I helped Vickie on reception in Kingsley. My voice felt thick in my throat.

“Never thought I’d see you late,” she laughed, still giggling about my clutter of limbs as I’d crashed on into the ward.

I wished I could talk to her. I wished I could blurt out how I was feeling and what the hell was going on, and how insane it was that I was already in love with the guy I’d be working with in a few days’ time, even though I knew it didn’t make any damn sense.

I couldn’t be though. I couldn’t be in love with him.

This was a crush. A stupid crush. It couldn’t be more than that.

So why did it feel like it meant so much?

My tummy was screaming, screaming. This pang of something was so much that I couldn’t sit still. A tickle and a rush, and a heart racing so fast I could feel it in my temples.

“You alright, Chloe?” Vickie asked. “You seem a bit… I dunno, weird today.”

I nodded. “I’m good, thanks.”

She shrugged it off. Gave it a “cool” and carried on with her work.

I stumbled through to my lunch break, smiling through every minute and giving as much as I could to our patients, but that tingle was crazy, right the way to my toes. I don’t know what ever possessed me, but I didn’t take a lunch break with Caroline, I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t take another second of this, not even one.

So I didn’t.

I don’t know just how I managed it, but I did. I found every scrap of do this, girl, I could in my heart and forced my feet one after the other along the corridors.

I don’t know how I made it. I don’t know how my legs kept on moving, but they did.